One step out of the comfort zone.

01:54PM

Today, I was oriented about my job - Publication Staff for a scientific journal. It doesn't seem too tough, although the task of constantly asking people to submit materials for the paper is not very much my forte. Aside from that, I have to do other activities in the office as well, such as managing our website, writing letters and minutes of meetings, and a little accounting too (numbers! aaaaaah!).

Whew. I hope I can do all these things. Of course. there is (and has always been) a faint voice in me that says I can't. The tasks, in a way, terrify me. But knowing myself, this has always been my pattern whenever I'm faced with something unfamiliar. And, unlike the past, coward me, I won't let these thoughts turn me down.

New things alienate me. No, they terrify me. Being outside my comfort zone is, well, uncomfortable. But I could never run away from change - it is constant, and sooner or later I'm gonna have to deal with it, no matter how much I resist. All I have to do is accept and embrace it. Because if I don't, will I ever grow?

Finally, an encouraging quote from my favorite Catholic apologist: "Only when we cease to rely on our own strength can we discover that God's strength is always with us." - Scott Hahn

Pre-birthday jitters. Just kidding, I have no jitters.

12/13/12 11:30pm

Thirty minutes from now, I am turning 22.

This year, I don't want to make my birthday a big deal. I have plans to go out - file a police clearance, photocopy some papers, jog for at least an hour, and have a little date with the Lord in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. If possible, I might attend a choral concert before the day ends.

I might even prefer quiet celebrations than loud surprise parties at this point; I think I may have outgrown these practices. Or maybe I'm just not in the mood. Of course, the surprises are sweet and thoughtful, but they're not a necessity. No cake will be fine, no spaghetti will be fine, no fancy gifts will be fine. In fact, I anticipate it - a quiet birthday for a wimpy kid who grew a year older and gained a few pounds.

But nonetheless, I couldn't thank enough the very sweet people who remember my birthday and make an effort to greet. Of course, those who prepare special stuff for me are the most appreciated (those would be my family, my best friends, my lisyu family and the good souls who pray for me).

My wish? Well... Earlier this week, God already granted it. so I guess there's nothing else to do but to thank Him.

I thank the Lord for 22 years of unfailing love. 

I thank Him for giving me blessings, despite knowing how ungrateful I have been.

I thank Him for not giving up on me, though I said many times this year "Ayoko na po. Di ko na kaya." (Turned out I was just freakishly scared).

I thank Him for taking this tiny speck of dust in the universe called Mich, and breathing life into it. I thank Him for loving this girl, so excessively that He willed to die for her.

I thank Him for Mama, my spiritual mother who continues to lead me to the path to her Son.

I couldn't thank Him enough, that if I were to offer all the days of my life and repeat my life to offer it to Him all over again, it still wouldn't be enough.

And my only wish is for Him to use my life to glorify Him.

Twenty two years. And still, God's love never waivered.

Miserere.

If the desert is dry and sad
And the heat is just too deadly
I look up for the oasis
That comforts the weak and thirsty.

But what I find is endless sand
And in my hand, an empty cup
The spring is now nowhere to find
Maybe somehow, it just dried up.

Where on earth is this wondrous spring
That has always restored my zeal?
Where else can I find the spirit
In life that the spring made me feel?

Maybe the spring did not exist
Or maybe I am just too blind
Is this beautiful spring over
Or am I just too tired to find?

Why meddling is important (and my real stand on the RH Bill).

The Church openly opposes RH Bill due to its teaching about the unitive and procreative role of sex in marriage. For Catholics, the conjugal act is a sacred act that it couldn't mean anything less than "procreation and union" (these two cannot be separated; sex would unite the two people and at the same time be open to a life that may form). RH Bill promotes contraceptives, a device that would split union apart from procreation (meaning, the purpose of the conjugal act would be only to unite but not to procreate). Contraceptives deny openness to life, as it blocks a life that is supposed to be formed by the conjugal act. It destroys God's original plan of the sacredness of sex.

One might argue that the Church keeps on infringing this belief on contraception when everyone may choose to just refuse to accept the contraceptives the government will fund.

But consider this scenario: I am a Catholic employer. RH Bill mandates me to provide reproductive health services to my employees, and that includes providing them contraceptives. As a faithful Catholic, I have a moral obligation to keep others away from sin, so I do not want to give away contraceptives as I find them immoral. If I give my employees contraceptives, I actually invite them to sin. However, RH Bill mandates me to do this; or else, I will be sued as violating the RH Bill. Isn't that infringement of my religious freedom? How do I exercise my rights as a Catholic here? Do I choose to break the law of the state or the law of the God I believe in?

Another scenario: I am a teacher opposed to contraceptives. I am teaching sex education to students, so I say "Class, do not engage in sex unless you're married... But if you really can't resist, here are the contraceptives you may choose from." I do not want to teach contraceptives to children because I believe it is my moral obligation to not teach them that. However, RH Bill mandates me to teach about it, no matter how my conscience objects. If I don't follow this, I could get arrested. Where is freedom of choice here?

It is for this reason that the bill is coercive; while it claims to be "pro-choice", it respects no religion and no standard of morality whatsoever. It may seem that the Church is forcing her beliefs on people regarding the immorality of RH Bill. But isn't it the other way around - the bill forcing its godless ways down our throats?

Another issue about the Law that the Church so passionately fights against is its leaning towards abortion. You might ask: how will the RH Bill lead to abortion? That horrible act is directly prohibited by the very same bill. I couldn't decipher it too before, until it has been pointed out to me.

Contraception varies from simple bought-over-the-counter condoms to complicated surgical IUDs and vasectomies. Much of these contraceptives are taken after the sexual act is done, such as morning-after pills and IUDs. The sperm and egg might have been united already (so life has already begun), but then blocked by the contraceptive. That, clearly, is abortion.

The Church is firm on her belief that all life is sacred, and even the little zygote that has been formed in the womb is sacred, regardless of its consciousness (a pro-RH Bill congressman argued otherwise). But the Church will never change her stand that life is sacred from the very moment of conception. For her, God breathes life to a human being the very moment it is conceived in the womb. Even if the zygote is not yet attached to the uterus, but once the sperm and egg has united, life has already begun (which other people argue otherwise); thus, the life, no matter how frail its state is, must be taken care of. In fact, all the more it must be taken care of.

In politics and other similar affairs, the Church (usually, but not always) doesn't have a say. However, if the sacredness of life itself is getting compromised, you can't expect the Church to just shut up. Issues regarding abortion and contraception are the ones that the Church will fight against until her very last breath. The Church will protect her people - those who are already born and those who are not yet. What an irresponsible Church it would have been otherwise! This is the reason that the clergy meddle so furiously and tactfully with RH Bill in the country.

These issues, among others, are the basis of Catholics in rejecting the RH Bill. The Church rejects it for other reasons, too (political, economical, etc.) but their statements are not infallible regarding these matters. In matters of politics, governance and other non-religious aspects, you are not supposed to regard the Church as infallible. However, in matters of faith and morality, the teachings of the Church are infallible.

The Church's teaching on the sacredness of sex is infallible. Her teaching on the immorality of abortion is infallible. Using sex apart from God's plan was, is and always will be a sin. Abortion was, is and always will be a sin. This is because Truth was, is, and always will be truth. When God says abortion is evil, there will be no time when it can be good. When He says contraception is contrary to His will, contraception was, is, and always will be evil, even if everybody else outside the Church believe otherwise.

It is for these reasons that I, together with the Catholic Church, reject this horrifying bill. I stand with the Catholic Church, the Bride of Christ, my religion and my spiritual family, whom I believe cannot err in matters of faith and morals. I firmly believe that she had been guided by Christ so as to assist me in these issues, and I entrust moral judgments, especially modern issues, in the Church's God-given charism of infallible discernment. I believe that Christ did not leave His flock lost and helpless; thus, He left us with a community, the Church, in whom He will be ever present and working. I stand with the Catholic Church. I REJECT RH BILL.


(A large chunk of the explanations here was taken from seminars in St. Therese of the Child Jesus Parish, Los Banos; and Defensores Fidei Foundation apologetics classes. I thank them so much for shedding light on the issue.)

Old songs (1)

Intro: G-D-G-D

(Verse: G-D-G-D)
Do you ever notice me
When I secretly stare at you, baby?
Or when I look into your eyes
Does my eyes reveal what's inside me?

(Refrain: Em-Am-Em-Am)
Don't turn your back on me now
'Coz I just wanna savor
The stolen moments the two of us share
I just want you to know (D)

(Chorus: G-D-G-D)
Guess I'm falling for you baby
Can't find the right words to say
Guess I'm needing you more each day
(Em-Am-Em)
It's all that I know
I want you to know
(D) I need you to know, I love you.

I have never been more sure
And I've never felt this way before
But my heart paints a picture of you
Deep inside I know it's true

Don't turn your back on me please
I can't stand to see you leaving
You know I want you
I'm longing to hold you
And I need you to know (Chorus)

(Bridge: G-D-G-D)
Please help me, it's all that I know
Please hold me, I want you to know
Please save me, I need you to know
Please help me...

(Coda: G-D-G-D)
Guess I'm falling for you
Guess I'm falling for you
Guess I'm falling for you...

(Em-Am-Em-D-G)

I love you.

______________________________


This was the first ever song I wrote. I was 15 and in fourth year high school. I was just beginning to learn how to play the guitar, so the chords were simple and the pattern was easy to figure out.

As I remember correctly, this song was for a huge crush who was a co-member of the choir. And mind you, I never got the chance to sing this song to him. I did not even get the opportunity to tell him how I felt (Funny. To think that this song is about telling that person!). Now, I don't know where on earth that guy is anymore. Rumor has it that he had a son/daughter when I went to college (Whew! Disaster averted).

In this blog and in the next two, I will (try to) recall the songs I wrote for various people during those humdrum days. This is to prove one thing: I was lame. So so so lame.

You see, each of our past selves has his or her own form of lameness. I am no exception; I know that I am awesome today but let's face it, this awesome was once lame.

(HAHA, just kidding! That last remark was Barney Stinson-inspired. But he's the awesome one; let's give the man the awesomeness he truly deserves.)

As I was saying, we could admit that in one way or another, we have done stupid mistakes. Or decisions that lacked second thought. Or actions that needed to be refined. All of us have those ugly ghosts, haunting us once in a while to a certain degree. Everyone; no exceptions. Well, maybe except Barney Stinson, the master of awesomeness.

AHHH! Barney get out of my blog!

Dear 15-year old girl who is reading my blog, you reading this blog is not an accident. As I've said once in one of my entries, God does not play dice with the universe; He doesn't play dice with me or my laptop. So He didn't play dice with yours, too.

Maybe you were searching for a poem or a love song. Maybe you were about to dedicate it to a guy you met. Be careful with your heart, my dear. I had my share of mistakes in that part; I thought it was 'love' but look at me now, single and unemployed, but nonetheless just fine.

By this time, these are the things you should be busy with: acads, books, reviewing for college entrance exams, and your extra-curricular activities. Okay, you may goof around with friends too, but make sure they're friends who are marching with you down the line when you graduate. If they are the friends who introduced you to drugs or encouraged you to cut class, then break off with them at this very moment, or else you're gonna have a bad time.

Don't haste to grow up. You know, as much as I want to go back to being fifteen, I cannot. So seize those days and make the most out of them. Carpe diem! Have fun, dear.

And as to that pathetic poem above, don't copy them anymore. I was wrong for thinking all of those blissful feelings were the 'L' word. It's much, much more than that, my dear. Don't haste to say the 'L' word; you've got all the rest of your life to do that. Don't commit the same mistakes I did back then. Be wise. You only live once. Don't screw it up. :)

No. No. And no.

Heart: Uhm, I think I want to...

Mind:

Heart: Ahw. But I was just thinking if I could feel some
Mind:

Heart: Will you ever allow me to be happy... just this one time?

Mind:

Heart:  

_________________________

Why is the mind such an ass?

If you mind is like this, always saying no, then it must be a sign of two things:
1. Your heart always desires disorderly things (things that are not right!). That's why your brain keeps saying no.
2. You are using your mind for what it's worth. And that's healthy.

When silence whispered.

Sept. 17, 2012
2:00am
Whitehouse Apartments, Los Baños, Laguna

I am surprised by the fact that I am writing now. So many thoughts are running inside my head - things I have not thought about in the LSS because maybe, I had so little quiet time back then. It's amazing how God speaks in silence - you cannot imagine the beauty of His words.

I attended the seminar with one big question in mind: what does God want me to do with my life? It's not easy to discern your purpose when you are laid down with so many choices - be a teacher, a writer, a speaker, an office worker, a broadcaster, and many more. I think people call this the quarter-life crisis - something quite normal for people of my age.

I left the seminar without a definite answer. He did not answer me instantly. Not in a supernatural way, to say the least. But after the seminar, my faith is renewed - I will not walk the earth with a doubtful heart, for my trust in the Lord is restored.

Somehow, I feel that God will answer me soon - no, I am certain, with fullness of faith, that God will lead me eventually to where He wants me to be. But, first things first.

I think and I feel that right now, God is counseling me to look not on the past but on the future. To do this, I must let go and detach myself with one season in life I enjoyed the most -            .

I have been attached to my                 so severely; I had a pretty good one. It was my purgatory; I was bombarded with trials here and there, yet I had the joy and resilience to make it through until the end.                                            .                                                                        . It was hard not to fall in love with         and especially with the                   .

But in order to move on to the future, I need to let go of the past. As much as I'd like to stay in this beloved sanctuary, I know time will come when I will have to cut my ties with it. Not that I will be gone forever and bury everything about it in my memory, but I ought to limit my presence in this community. I need to do so in order to serve God more fervently and with uninterrupted focus, in the place where He wills me to work.

This is very, very hard for me. If I were to follow what I want, I could have                                                                          .                                                          . However, I feel that God is prompting me to rest my mind in the present - where real-life problems exist. He is placing me in a different battlefield, away from my comfort zone so that I would be needing His help and seeking Him again, constantly. I need this for my own spiritual growth and that of others.

When I am stripped off of the things I want, I will recognize my nakedness and necessity of God. The questions remains - am I ready to break off with my comfortable battlefield so that He could send me to another uncomfortable but sanctifying one?

I wanted to build a tent for myself in this community, much like Peter wanted to build one for the Lord in the mountain of Tabor. If I do this, I might probably be saved. However, I could not stand the thought of going to heaven alone, since in my life I have stayed in the mountains, not taking with me even a few souls from the plains. If such is the case, I would rather go down the mountain, win souls for Him and take them with me to heaven. I know this is the hard way, but it shall bear much fruit.

And so, I commit myself to this painstaking task of breaking off with my attachments. I know this will never be easy, but at this point, I am willing to leave everything for Christ. And if He so asks me to leave more for Him, no matter how painful, I will be willing to follow.

Fiat voluntas tua.

Because sometimes, I need to be reminded.

Could you be healer to a heart that's been wounded
in a battle that's never seen?

Could you be teacher to a mind of confusion?
Tell me, what does this all mean?

Are you deliverer of an imprisoned feeling in chains?
Can you set my spirit free?

And just one more question,
allow me this question.
Could you be Messiah to me?
Could you be Messiah to me?...



Could you be father to a soul that's been abandoned
by a world too busy to hear?

Could you be friend to a helpless survivor?
Can you take away my fears?

I heard them all sharing this newfound conviction in them.
Are you all that they made you to be?

And just one more question,
allow me this question.
Could you be Messiah?
Please be Messiah to me.



I've been looking for someone like you
And I'm so tired...tired.
I've read every book and I've sang every song.
My mind may be right but my heart feels so wrong.
Tell me how much farther can my life go alone.
Which way do the roads lead?
Where do I belong?



Are you forgiver of my most unknown secrets?
Provider of all that I need?

Could you be brother, the one who knows better?
Would you now stand in the lead?

When all this is over
all the thunder and lightning,
in the daylight, just what will I see?

...The answers to my questions,
to all of my questions.
Could you be Messiah to me?
Could you be Messiah to me?


Could you be Messiah?
Please be Messiah to me.

The bitter aspirin.

Dear Lord, I have never wanted something so badly in my life. I wanted some petty things back in the past and yeah, some of them were not good for me (I figured a few months later). But this, THIS, *this* particular prayer is really something I want so so so badly (and I don't think it will be bad for me). Lord, please grant this particular prayer.

I want to work as a                  in the                              . You know, yesterday I saw the announcement in their website. When I read the ad, you saw my reaction: my eyes twinkled, my heart skipped a beat and bam! I fell in love with the job in an instant. Oh, how I felt that I am truly meant to be               !

You saw how I obsessedly edited various materials back in college. I edited whatever I caught gaze upon: articles, bulletin posts, teasers, ads in the TV and radio, and practically whatever I saw. Whenever I heard/saw an error in my friends' grammar, "nagpapanting ang tainga ko." A little grammar nazi you might call me, but I also edit myself most of the time.

I edited manuscripts for a few college friends. That I did without pay. I even volunteered to do the editing. I am so passionate at it. You know that because you saw the things I did. I spent sleepless nights editing stuff. You know how much effort and passion I invested to get myself ready for this job. And now, the time has come.

I know it was not an accident when I clicked that link that led me to that website that led to that link that led me to that job vacancy page. You crafted that very moment because you don't play dice with the universe; you don't play dice with me or my laptop. And so with eagerness, I respond to the link's calling; I respond to your calling if this is your will. But I cannot guarantee any certainty at this point in my life. Even when I get the job interview, it won't even be an assurance that I will get the job given that I'm timid and tend to stutter and let's face it, I suck at job interviews.

And so, I am left with my barrenness and lack of ability. Right now I need no one but an all-knowing and all-mighty Friend who never left me in all my challenges in life. Please help me. And yes, I don't mind begging if this career is what is at stake.

*If* this job is not for me, well then... Please turn it around and make it for me. Just kidding, Lord. If this is not for me, I would probably be lonely for a few days. Of course it will be frustrating. When you want something so so so badly and you don't get it, would you have a feast? Of course, you won't. But, this entire experience will be like a bitter aspirin I must swallow: it tastes awful but through it, I shall be well.

I love You, Lord. Whatever kind of aspirin I will swallow.

___________________________________

PS. Lord, just so you know, I asked the help of two of your best friends: your very own mother Blessed Mary and your martyred servant, Lorenzo Ruiz (whose feast day was yesterday). Ha! You can't say no to them, can you!

Quinque viae (2)

In my last blog, I mentioned the first three components of St. Thomas Aquinas' Quinque Viae, or The Five Ways. Here are the fourth and fifth components to complete the five ways to describe God.

Fourth argument: Standard of Perfection (ex gradu)

"The fourth way is taken from the gradation to be found in things. Among beings there are some more and some less good, true, noble and the like. But “more” and “less” are predicated of different things, according as they resemble in their different ways something which is the maximum, as a thing is said to be hotter according as it more nearly resembles that which is hottest; so that there is something which is truest, something best, something noblest and, consequently, something which is uttermost being; for those things that are greatest in truth are greatest in being, as it is written in Metaph. Now the maximum in any genus is the cause of all in that genus; as fire, which is the maximum heat, is the cause of all hot things. Therefore there must also be something which is to all beings the cause of their being, goodness, and every other perfection; and this we call God" (Aquinas, n.d.).

The fourth statement simply states some things have varying levels or degrees, and thus, a level of perfection exists in them. We think of God as something perfect; if something is perfectly good, then that is His. It is Him Himself. Which was why Leo Trese stated that "Strictly speaking, God is not wise; He is wisdom." In the Bible, it was not stated that God is loving, but there was the very phrase "God is love." It means that perfect Love is God Himself; Love is the very essence of Him. We look at this concept of deity in the same manner.


Fifth argument: Grand Designer (ex fine)

"The fifth way is taken from the governance of the world. We see that things which lack intelligence, such as natural bodies, act for an end, and this is evident from their acting always, or nearly always, in the same way, so as to obtain the best result. Hence it is plain that not fortuitously, but designedly, do they achieve their end. Now whatever lacks intelligence cannot move towards an end, unless it be directed by some being endowed with knowledge and intelligence; as the arrow is shot to its mark by the archer. Therefore some intelligent being exists by whom all natural things are directed to their end; and this being we call God" (Aquinas, n.d.).

Why is everything so orderly? Back then, it was hard to think that all things in the universe happened ramdomly, without much of a plan or design. And so the fifth argument answers this. The fifth way states that with all this laws existing in nature, there must be a guiding and that somehow planned the grandeur that is the universe. And so this ultimate designer is God.

Quinque viae (1)

I had encountered this lesson four years ago, but it continues to be one of my most loved topics in Philosophy 1. Saint Thomas Aquinas, in his book Summa Theologica, introduced five ways to somehow "prove" the existence of a Deity. This explanation was not meant to be a proof in itself; rather, it tends to exhaust the ways in which God could be defined and described.

I love these five ways because they stand alone; meaning, religion and all deity-related experiences and biases are out of the argument. Even if there were no religion that existed in the world, people could still infer logically and reasonably that such belief in a Deity is reasonable enough and cannot be obsolete.

First argument: the Unmoved Mover (ex motu)

The first and more manifest way is the argument from motion. It is certain, and evident to our senses, that in the world some things are in motion. Now whatever is in motion is put in motion by another, for nothing can be in motion except it is in potentiality to that towards which it is in motion; whereas a thing moves inasmuch as it is in act. For motion is nothing else than the reduction of something from potentiality to actuality. But nothing can be reduced from potentiality to actuality, except by something in a state of actuality. Thus that which is actually hot, as fire, makes wood, which is potentially hot, to be actually hot, and thereby moves and changes it. Now it is not possible that the same thing should be at once in actuality and potentiality in the same respect, but only in different respects. For what is actually hot cannot simultaneously be potentially hot; but it is simultaneously potentially cold. It is therefore impossible that in the same respect and in the same way a thing should be both mover and moved, i.e. that it should move itself. Therefore, whatever is in motion must be put in motion by another. If that by which it is put in motion be itself put in motion, then this also must needs be put in motion by another, and that by another again. But this cannot go on to infinity, because then there would be no first mover, and, consequently, no other mover; seeing that subsequent movers move only inasmuch as they are put in motion by the first mover; as the staff moves only because it is put in motion by the hand. Therefore it is necessary to arrive at a first mover, put in motion by no other; and this everyone understands to be God (Aquinas, n.d.).

A leaf lands on grass because it was blown by the wind. The wind blows because of the movement of the earth. The universe (multiverse if you're a modern physicist) moves and moves because it is being moved by something... But there had to be something that started all the moving. This something is the first mover, the sole cause of all movements. And this something, or Someone, is God.

Second argument: the First Cause (ex causa)

The second way is from the nature of the efficient cause. In the world of sense we find there is an order of efficient causes. There is no case known (neither is it, indeed, possible) in which a thing is found to be the efficient cause of itself; for so it would be prior to itself, which is impossible. Now in efficient causes it is not possible to go on to infinity, because in all efficient causes following in order, the first is the cause of the intermediate cause, and the intermediate is the cause of the ultimate cause, whether the intermediate cause be several, or only one. Now to take away the cause is to take away the effect. Therefore, if there be no first cause among efficient causes, there will be no ultimate, nor any intermediate cause. But if in efficient causes it is possible to go on to infinity, there will be no first efficient cause, neither will there be an ultimate effect, nor any intermediate efficient causes; all of which is plainly false. Therefore it is necessary to admit a first efficient cause, to which everyone gives the name of God (Aquinas, n.d.).

The second argument is very much like the first; they both dwell on the "first initiator" argument. Here, however, we focus on the cause of events rather than motion.  Life has ripple effect on other lives and things have ripple effect on other things as well. The ecosystem is one good example of such. Animals become consumers but also become consumed. Plants consume energy from the sun, then dies and becomes part of the soil in which another life will depend once more. It has been a cycle. But there must be someone or something that did not need any cause. And this is God who practically is the cause of everything.

The third argument: Contingency (ex contingentia)

The third way is taken from possibility and necessity, and runs thus. We find in nature things that are possible to be and not to be, since they are found to be generated, and to corrupt, and consequently, they are possible to be and not to be. But it is impossible for these always to exist, for that which is possible not to be at some time is not. Therefore, if everything is possible not to be, then at one time there could have been nothing in existence. Now if this were true, even now there would be nothing in existence, because that which does not exist only begins to exist by something already existing. Therefore, if at one time nothing was in existence, it would have been impossible for anything to have begun to exist; and thus even now nothing would be in existence – which is absurd. Therefore, not all beings are merely possible, but there must exist something the existence of which is necessary. But every necessary thing either has its necessity caused by another, or not. Now it is impossible to go on to infinity in necessary things which have their necessity caused by another, as has been already proved in regard to efficient causes. Therefore we cannot but postulate the existence of some being having of itself its own necessity, and not receiving it from another, but rather causing in others their necessity. This all men speak of as God (Aquinas, n.d.).

This argument borders on the "limitedness" or being finite of things. There was a time when all these things in the universe existed. That time is now. But these things exist due to something's existence, and this something's existence was due to another thing's existence. There must be one thing that had to exist without the help of any other pre-existing thing. That one thing must have existed before anybody or anything else. This one thing's essence must be to exist. This something, or Someone, is God, who practically existed before anything else did.

(to be continued)

Took me a while to finally focus.

June 19, 2012. 9:26PM. I'm in the room of a cozy resort in (whatever part of) Batangas. We lodged in here due to our 5-day schedule in a school nearby. I found the place very comfortable; however, I opted not to take advantage of the pool. I figured that if I swim now, I won't be able to enjoy my swimming on friday with Lisieux people. At this very moment, I am multitasking: talking with officemates, texting my high school adviser, planning to call my mom, and blogging. So far, I've been inefficient with... well, everything. So I'm focusing on the blog now.

Or not! Aaaargh I can't focus.

10:19PM. Still, not totally focused on the blog. My roomates are talking about some serious stuff. Ahhh, our topic makes me conclude that life is so unfair. It indeed is...

10:29. I decided to straighten up my activities once and for all. I had my final text messages, I called my mom, and now there is nothing left to do but to blog. Oh, the inefficiencies of multitasking that were verified by a recent scientific study. Add to that study this very moment.

I've been away from my blog site for almost a month. My last blog entry was written back when I was looking for a job. Now I found one; however, it's good only until August. So after my two-month contract, I shall swim again in the vast ocean of unemployed hopefuls.

My job is to conduct a kind of reading test for elementary and high school students. The compensation is not a bucketload of money (that's okay for a starter, they say). It won't make me rich. However, what thrills me in this endeavor is the opportunity to travel to a lot of places and work in an academic environment. Sure enough, if not for this job, I won't be in Batangas right now.

Getting this job meant cancelling my other applications. It also meant missing that DREAM JOB in one of my DREAM INSTITUTIONS (which, at the time, was looking for applicants!). I said yes to this project; consequently, I said no to the numerous opportunities that followed. Don't get me wrong though: I am not headhunted by companies. I neither graduated with honors nor with any medals, even the ones for the volunteers. I was at fault for them calling me all at the same time - I went on an after-grad-you-get-a-job-immediately craze and yeah, God knows how many companies I did apply myself in. The perfect term is aligaga. Na-aligaga ako nang nagsimula silang magsitawag.

But somehow, I know that God put me here for a reason. My working here even for a short time is not an accident, just as any other happenings in my life. There has to be a purpose. I may have to meet someone here (and I sure did; all my workmates now are new to me. Add to that the teachers I meet in the schools we visit). Or maybe, I need to learn something. Or someone needs to learn from me. I will not think of it that much as I did. Back then, I wasted a lot of effort deciphering God's reasons. Now, He just tells me that the reason is out there; it's actually none of my business. All I have to do is follow His will, do good and avoid evil (easier said than done), and the rest is up to Him.

11:03PM. Good night!

"Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses." Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

Delights and dismays.

The reality of life's cruelty has been revealed to me. You could never be safe in the streets, even when you are with somebody. Two of my cousins, one residing here in Cubao and the other, in the Quezon province (who happened to stay here in QC for a quick vacation), fell victims to a bunch of heartless members of the budol-budol gang. You know, those gangs that approach you and sort of hypnotize you, then you find yourself giving your valuables to them. Their ipod, cellphone and watch were taken by the cruel guys. We were frantic because the culprits separated my two cousins on purpose (while they were under the hypnosis). We could not find one of them! The other managed to make it to a nearby barangay hall, thanks to a kindhearted tricycle driver. We were anxious because we couldn't find my other cousin (the one from the province). His cellphone was taken, so we did not have any contact with him.

So we went to the barangay hall and then to the police station, where we reported the incident. This case was never new; they probably handle cases of budol-budol victims almost everyday. However, I noticed that they responded rather very slowly and lousily; and it took us a few hours before they accompanied us to get the CCTV of the restaurant where the robbery happened (which was never shown to us, in our dismay). Such a reality pissed me. Has this always been the system in the country?

My tito and his employee went out to look for him on the roads of Cubao. It was already dark when we found my cousin - there at a 7-11 branch in Cubao. Thank God he was safe!

One might call it mishap, yet there are so many things to be thankful for. Only material things were taken to them - you know, stuff that could easily be replaced. They were not harmed physically, and the mental exhaustion it caused them did not last very long. In fact, we were already joking around upon heading home after the long day. Also, thanks to this incident, I now had an idea on how the budol-budol works. It caused me to be a lot more cautious, especially when walking alone. All these things happened for a reason, indeed.

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I got the chance to meet a "long lost friend." He was a high school friend and after high school graduation, we never had the chance to see each other or even communicate for a long time. I really missed him. Back in high school, he used to accompany me home. We used to talk until the wee hours of the night. He shared his innermost thoughts with me and mine with him. Those were the carefree times that I really missed.

But after HS graduation, the line was suddenly cut. We got busy for a while with college. Now that the hectic times have passed, I figured that it is about time to meet again and catch up on each other's lives and whereabouts.

The great thing about friends is that they are always there no matter where you go with your life. They never forget you and they will always stay the same for you. So when I asked if we could meet, immediately he managed to free his schedule from any other activities. After five years, we met again and had lunch. It was like nostalgically reliving the high school days.

I came to realize that I was the "long-lost one," not him. He has always been there, waiting for an update from me and longing to tell his stories. Five years had passed and yet, I did not try to communicate. I know that the two hours of eating and chatting we spent cannot make up for the five years that I was lost. But, this is a good way to start. And to make up for the lost years, I am planning to be his friend for the many years to come.

'Til next time, buddy. ;)

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I watched Tanging Hangad Ko, a thanksgiving concert for the 20 years of Hangad Music Ministry. To my delight, it was a free admission concert, plus I had four other Lisieux buddies to tag along with.

The show was very good! The concert was spontaneous in a good way - there was even no very structured entrance-exits, the singers were free to wipe their faces after the songs, one even brought a camera and took a shot of the audience. They were free to do their own hand gestures and interpret the song with their varying but seemingly united facial expressions. They were free to weep their hearts out in the song numbers (and weep some more singing that tribute to the great Paulo Tirol, who was flying to the US the next day). Of course, the quality of their voices was flawless, as usual. The group had me have goosebumps hearing their songs.

What I also found interesting is the striking resemblance of Hangad to my dear community, the UPLB Lisieux Music Ministry. Like Lisieux, they started as a small group of singers who wanted to sing in the Mass. Their mandate is also to serve God through music.  The members are like my own brothers and sisters in the community.And ho ho ho, their concert seemed a lot like Alay Musika. Imagine the nostalgia I felt.

Because of this, I feel that I miss choral singing. How couldn't I? I was singing nonstop in the choir for three years and more. Add to that my involvement in the choir back in high school, which caused the spark to fall in love with music even more. There is a certain thirst in me that only singing for God would quench. And seriously, if my (hopefully) frequent visits to Lisieux would not suffice, then I might consider auditioning to a  music ministry. Hangad? Bukas Palad? A music ministry in my own parish? Hahaha IDRK and Lord, I entrust this to Your hands. HEHEHEHEHEH.

Highly unlikely but not totally impossible.

Graduation thoughts 4: The bottomline

I finally give commencement to this four-part blog about graduating.

For so long, I have been focusing on a lot of details for my future, both menial and defining: where I will work, the clothes I will be wearing for my job interviews, how I will survive journeying the streets of the metro (I almost want to give up on this because MRT crushes me almost everyday), how I cope with my separation anxiety and well, move on with my life. On these times, I admit that everything revolves around ME. It was as if I am the center of it all.

Today, God is reminding me to re-shift my focus to Him from me. I am constantly being reminded to go back to my ultimate goal in this world: to be holy. This does not only apply to me; it applies basically to every person of God! No man could say that only priests, pastors or monks could achieve a high degree of holiness, although entering the religious life would make it a lot easier. Case in point, Mary and Joseph did not become hermits, as they were called for the family life; yet they are two of the greatest saints that mankind is blessed to have.

So God did not create everyone to become priests and nuns. If such were so, the world would be a total chaos, just as how chaotic the ecosystem would be if everyone were rabbits. However, everyone is created by God to become saints (Do not be confused. It does not necessarily mean we'd all be canonized. It means we're all meant to go to heaven. How could it be otherwise?). This is, as Pope John Paul II coins it, the universal call to holiness: trying to be holy whatever one's state of life is. How does one become holy? It is achieved by doing everything in love, no matter how minute. This love is radiated to others in all the world, and this love is rooted in one's love for God. Thank you, St. Therese, for this terrific reflection.

While all the world clamor fame, money and glory, I am asked by the Good Lord to jeer away from these vanities and focus on serving Him and others through Him. "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it" (Matthew 7:13-14).

Easy to say. However, the path to holiness has never been an easy toil, let alone becoming holy in the midst of a busy city like this. Speaking of which, I am definitely sure that I will have a hard time attaining holiness in this ungodly place (do not react, for I can attest that this is really an ungodly place). There are a lot of interesting "stuff" here which do not make you holy, and even which make you sin. One brilliant person expressed that "In spirituality, not to progress is to regress." There are lots of temptations here, left and right, that will make you regress in your spiritual life. Honestly, it terrifies me. Not because I am a holy person, but because I am the exact opposite and I tend to give in to these vainglories. The way of the Cross is so hard!

But I am willing to take the challenge of striving to be holy in my state of life as an employee (as of the moment). There is no other way to go, for I believe that I will truly regress if I do not keep a steady pace onward, towards Jesus. With this, the song Sa Iyong mga Yapak keeps playing in my head, especially the refrain: Laban sa agos ng mundo, lumakad Ka sa landas Mo. Laban sa lakad ng mundo, landas na saki'y nais Mo.

Bring it on. I know that I am never alone.

Graduation thoughts 3: Separation anxiety

Five years ago, my trembling knees started its journey on a vast university that they say is the premier one among others. Like a blot of ink upon a wide canvas, I wondered how my littleness could ever make a difference in this place.

I could still remember my first night in the dormitory. It was a Saturday night. Men's Dorm seemed to "introduce" itself to me and my roommate when both the power and water supply went out. Imagine how freaky it felt. Take note, it was our very first night away from home. I couldn't describe the homesickness I felt that time. I even covered with a blanket my entire body as I slept, for fear of something unseen that might touch my feet. It was as if if I could grab my slippers and head straight home that night, I would.

But for the five years that followed, I could truly say that LB has been kind to me in strange ways. The thought of LB being my comfort zone had never crossed my mind, until it happened.

Now, all the hardships of college life has just ended. Ah, graduation. The feeling is so blissful and happy. However, despite the happiness I feel for finishing such an endeavor as getting that Bachelor's Degree, there lies an (inevitable, I guess) sadness wrapping my heart. My student days are over. I am no longer the learner. Now I must go out and apply all the learnings the university has taught me. The friends, the family, the environment of LB... all of them are hard to leave.

But of course, I need to go. This chapter of my life has to be closed, or at least left for a while. As much as I wanted to stay, I also know that I have to untangle myself from this attachment that the comfortable life in LB has caused me. And with this, I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, God's plans for me are better. Even if it hurts to cut the lovely, bittersweet cords I have with my beloved LB, I have to do it. I have to jeer away from all attachments so as to discern more of His will for my life. I have to follow my Lord, even if it means sacrificing the things my heart wants.

If I keep plunged into my attachments, I may not grow. If I keep myself busy in my comfort zone, I might miss His call. If I stay where I am, I may not know where He truly wants me to be.

Following God's call for my life, I might feel a little depressed at first. This is because most of His plans are different... way waaaaay different than mine. But such has always been the trend: I would plan,  figure out that He has a different plan, and then find out that the latter's plan turned out to be a better one. And so I have to have Him in charge of my life, including my career.


"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, " Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).


Boss, Ikaw na po ang bahala. ;)

Why nostalgia is hip, and 90's kids puke rainbows. (Part 1)

I once read a line that says "Remember the past but don't dwell on it." As for me, I have one period which I want to always remember, if not dwell on. It's the 90's.

I would always love to remember my childhood; I had such a rich one. My parents never prohibited me to play on the streets and on neighbors' houses. Physical activities were the norm back then; Video games were just second option.

Ask any kid my age and most of them know habulan, tumbang-preso, luksong tinik, luksong baka, pog, teks (not SMS, but the little cards. The more teks you have, the more pogi you are), piko, ten-twenti, taguan, and langit-lupa. Langit lupa impyerno. Im, im, impyerno. Saksak puso tulo ang dugo. Patay, buhay, umalis ka na di-yan! (If you're a 90's kid or older, you read that line with a certain hymn).

Little did I know, those were my first lessons of camaraderie. Little did I know that all the games were a practice on how to win friends.

But ask kids nowadays if they know these games. They would probably roll their eyeballs and hit you with their PSPs or SDs.

So I am proud of my childhood. 

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Another thing that I like the most about my childhood is the TV. Aside from being laman ng kalye, I am also a certified couch potato. 

I remember the days when I would arrive from school and watch Akazukin Chacha, Mojacko and Ghost Fighter. My brother used to watch Dragon Ball Z, although it seems that he hadn't been a fan. I also remember how my mom and I would fight over what channel to watch, because they wanted to watch Mula sa Puso (or was it Esperanza?) while I wanted to watch Lupin III on channel 7 (malabo pa noon ang 7). Who would forget the epic death of Selina in Mula sa Puso?

During mornngs, the usual shows were not "laban-laban" but cartoons that have touching, emotional stories. Such were Remi, Nobody's Girl; Judy Abbott with Daddy Long Legs who turned out to be Jervis Pendleton (what was the title again?); Cinderella; and Julio & Julia (Kambal ng Tadhana). Before the talk shows, there were 5-minute Bananas in Pyjamas episodes. I also had a crush on Steve (Blue's Clues). And what thrilled me the most were the times damsel in distress Sailormoon was about to lose, but then Tuxedo Mask came to the rescue (weeeeee!).

Here are some pics I retrieved from google. See if you could remember these characters from film and TV!

Hope you had nostalgic and fun reading as much as I had writing/reminiscing! :D


Next nostalgic post: Toys from the 90's!

Graduation thoughts 2: the leap of faith.

I just finished the draft 3 of my thesis. And I hope this would be the last draft I would ever write.



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That sentence written above was a draft I made for this blog while I was writing the last drafts of my thesis. And as of the moment, the thesis has been binded. BINDED! Also, I was able to partially complete my clearance. Wow!

It was not easy to get to this point. I took a roller coaster ride of data gathering, coding, recoding, analyzing, writing, rewriting, editing, hardcore editing and editing some more. Many times I would face the ceiling of our room, thinking if I could ever finish this long process of research. But then, Someone who wants me to graduate this semester helped me. He took me through the leap of faith. He took me through the furnace, because He said that "gold is tested with fire" (cf. Sirach 2:5).

In fact, I think the entire process of my education was a test in the fire. I had to go through a lot of sleepless nights. I had to go to different places so that I could gather the data I need for my requirements. I did the things unimaginable, such as pitting a toad (BIO 2), singing in front of the class to get extra points in an exam, asking an array of saints to help me pass a course (okay, that was STAT1), and many others. And, having come out from all these furnaces, I am expected to be a competent UP graduate in an ever competitive world.

However, I realized that I still need a lot of things to learn. Not that the university failed to teach me the things I need to learn, but one could not grasp all lessons in life in the academe. The "outside world" (as they put it) is quite an environment different from the university life. Much of our learnings come from the curriculum, yes, but others, from our dealing with others. Even from our dealing with the self.

I completed my thesis not only because of my knowledge in research that was taught to me in 197 and 198. I managed to finish it because I dealt with others for my data gathering. Because I learned to exhaust the resources I need. Because I struggled to overcome my timidness. Because I talked to people. Because I asked for help. Because of some things I learned in the university that were not discussed in the four corners of the room.

Because I took a leap of faith.

And taking the leap of faith is the greatest lesson the thesis taught me.

Go, dream. Think. Ask for help; you cannot possible make it alone. Have doubts and fears, but don't give up. Take the leap of faith. And keep learning even in the failures.

Ah, the leap of faith. I thought I would stumble but then, I was flown. :)

What kind of sorcery is this?

Last night I dreamed that we had tocino for lunch.
I woke up and Kuya Abel went in the room.

Kuya: Uy Mich ambagan tayo! Tocino.
Michay: O_O

I am Nostradamus! :))

I wanna be a donkey.*

There was a donkey that lived thousands of years ago. Most of the time, people would use him to ride on while travelling. He would happily have the people ride on his back, and he would take them to wherever they intended to go.

One day, a tall and well-composed man decided to ride on his back. As they reached the gates of Jerusalem, more people gathered on their way. The crowd spread their cloaks on the street. They gathered palm leaves and waited for their arrival. The donkey was thrilled to see how the people welcomed them.

When they passed by, the crowd cheered them and waved their palms. Oh, how happy was this donkey! He had never caught this much attention by anyone. And it is happening now.

However, after a few moments, Jesus was not riding on his back anymore. The people stopped rejoicing. No one was noticing the donkey again. He was dismayed that he asked his mother donkey, "Why is the crowd like that, mom? Why did they stop hailing me?"

Mother donkey creased her head, while saying, "Are you out of your mind, son? They were praising not you but the One who rode on your back. Without Christ, you are nothing."

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Oh, how I wish I were the donkey in the story. I wish to be a servant of Christ by serving my purpose in this world, just as the donkey fulfilled his purpose by having Jesus ride on his back.

How I wish I were as nothing as the donkey. He was empty-handed, but when Jesus rode on his back, it felt as if he was at the top of the world. I wish that Jesus would use me that way, too, so that His glory would manifest greatly. I wish to shrink myself so deeply in order that Someone more glorious, holy and deserving would excel out of me.

I wish to recognize that like the donkey, without Christ, I am nothing; that I could never attribute even a small accomplishment to me, because I could not do anything in my own efforts. All goodness comes from the Sole Provider, and in reality i do not possess anything, even my own self. I wish to be remembered that when God ceases to ride on my back, I would return to the nothing that I came from. I want to be least of all donkeys because it is in this littleness that the Rider would be hailed the most by His people.

I want to be a donkey. How about you? c:

*inspired by a homily by Fr. Thor Villacarlos

Graduation thoughts 1: That inner calling

I have an inner calling. Inner calling means that deep in my heart, God is calling me for this vocation. I can clearly say that this an inner calling because, first, when I do it, I feel that I am perfectly designed for this work. I can do it without sweat, I get positive feedback from people for this work, I do it regularly even if no one pays me. I feel that I am meant to do this for the rest of my life. Second, I feel a profound, joyful bliss when I do it. You can just lock me up in an empty room for a week and have me do it, and I will survive.  Finally, when I do it, I feel that God is at work within me, and that brings about great fulfillment.

Okay, I will tell what "it" is. It is writing. I have been in the choir, in theater plays, in the press, in the field gathering data and in the academic institution, but nothing beats the moment when I am in solace, writing stuff in my notebook or tinkering with my laptop. In college, when I discovered blogs, I had to sign up for one immediately. I even took Journalism as my major during my sophomore year, although that is completely a different story.

When I write, I become friends with words. I have to write a lot about my thoughts, dreams, pains, and especially my fears. I especially highlight fears because I tend to write when I am afraid. I am afraid mostly of the future. During my first semester in UP, I had to write a lot. Also, when I became part of the Execom of the ministry in which I am a member, I wrote a lot about my fears. Writing became my refuge, the comfort zone of such a melancholic as I.

I do not have anything to write about politics, biology and math. I don't have much in my head for academic stuff. Also, my grammar is a little bad. But I do have some few inspirations - my being a Christian, my experiences in the Catholic faith, my personal relationship with Jesus, and the healthy relationships I have with people that are also rooted in Jesus. I do not have much, but I have Jesus! He is everything I have. Therefore I can write about Him.

Writing is my inner calling. And writing for God is my ultimate dream. I feel that God is calling me for this purpose. I even think that my writings in high school were a preparatory step for a greater calling in this field. So great is this calling that wraps my heart. I am enthralled and excited by my dreams. I know that God, in time, will lead me to the right direction where I can fully fulfill this longing.  I am constantly hoping for it.

Oh, the things we do for love.

1. Love is that moment when it's late at night and the husband is sleepy, but then his pregnant wife asks him to buy food outside. He's about to get pissed but instead, he runs outside and gets her request.

2. A husband cheats on his wife and ran away from home to live with his girl. Love is when she comes to him in the girl's house to give him medicine because he was sick.

3. Love is that moment when a girl waited for a guy for lunch, but he kept her waiting until 3pm. Upon arrival, he told her that he just finished having lunch with someone. In extreme hunger, she replied, "It's okay."

4. Love is when a mother feels so sleepy at 11pm but still chose to sew the torn jeans of her daughter who will fly to LB the next day.

5. Love is when that same mother forgives her husband who had cheated her for countless times.

6. Love is when that same mother sent another set of money for her daughter after the daughter just lost her wallet.

Because I truly believe that love is action. Love is giving. Love is SACRIFICE.

PS. These are real stories from people I know.

I hope I won't forget this song.

Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must have spent...
A little more time on you.

Missing the music.

My throat isn't okay for how many weeks now.

I couldn't sing. Well, I could sing a few pop songs but I cannot let out my usual soprano voice. I've been missing a few choir practices and I could not go up the choir loft because I could produce no good voice.

I miss singing. Badly.

For now, let me listen to the songs I used to sing.

St. Blase, ora pro nobis.

Bejeweled.

I realize that life is similar to the game Bejeweled. Every move I do affects all the other jewels. The arrangement of other jewels will be depending on how I move just one jewel. Everything is interrelated. This holds true looking through the lens of ecology.

If I leave the house at 8am, it will not be the same as when I leave at 8:05. My passing in UP meant that a slot in Devcom was given to me and if I did not take the slot, someone would have done it in replacement of me. This is how life goes. In every decision I do, someone will be affected. My actions have a ripple effect on humanity, and might even affect eternity.

Wag na tayong mag-Alay Musika!

I love asking God "why?" Kung sa bawat tanong ko ng bakit ay may bente pesos na natatanggap ang Diyos, siguro meron nang avalanche ng bente sa langit.

Pero iyon pa rin ang itinanong ko sa Diyos noong naging parte ako ng ProdCom for Alay Musika 26. Hanggang ngayon nga ay itinatanong ko pa rin ito. Bakit ako? Marami namang ibang magaling dyan. Hindi pa organisado ang buhay ko. Bakit naman ako ang napili ng Diyos?

Sobrang daming napagdaanan ng AM na ito. Lahat naman ng AM ganito. Masyado kaming sinubok sa lahat ng  aspeto.

1. Kaperahan. Imagine, bago ma-Xmas break eh wala pa sa 1/4 o 1/3 ng perang kailangan ang nalilikom namin. Wag na tayong mag-AM!

2. Physical, maraming tao ang nagkasakit dahilan para di makumpleto sa mga practices. Mismong conductor nagkasakit na rin. Wangwang. Wag na tayong mag-AM!

3. Emotional. Para kaming nag-roller coaster ride ng emotions. Iyak, tawa, iyak-tawa, galit, tampo, takot. . . at marami pang iba. Wag na tayong mag-AM!

4. Paranormal. May mga nakakatakot pang chever at eklat. Galit na galit na siguro sa atin ang demonyo dahil mag-aalay tayo sa Diyos. Katakot nang mag-AM! Wag na tayong mag-AM!

5. Spiritual. Nakaka-uhaw. . . Pakiramdam ko walang Diyos. Ay hanep, wag na talaga tayong mag-AM.

Bawat vigil nga palaging idinadalangin 'yan. "For the success of Alay Musika 26." Na wala namang kasiguraduhan kung matutuloy nga. Pati sa mga rosaryo yun din ang dinudulog sa mahal na Ina, kahit di ma-perfect perfect sa practices ang Marian song na "Inay."

Pati mga sarili namin problema rin namin. We are imperfect people trying to stage a concert for a perfect Being. Napakaraming naging pagsubok dahil sa mga kahinaan namin. Kung mismong sarili namin problema natin, ay shocking pluto. Wag na talaga tayong mag-AM, as in.

But then. . . 

I'm still filled with awe everytime I imagine the stage. The spotlight that is so hot. The fog machine that caused Aning to nebulize during the concert (but amazingly, she still sang Reflection beautifully). The adrenaline rush we felt during the performances. And the "kilabot" and gushing tears brought by the witnesses and AVPs. Grabe, lahat nang ito naging posible?

Habang pinagninilayan ko ang naging flow ng concert, naisip kong parang kakaiba yung flow. Script Committee ako, oo, pero parang hindi ako ang nagplano. Lahat parang bago sa akin. Ako ang may pakana ng ganung flow, pero parang noon ko lang na-realize kung bakit talaga ganun ang pagkaka-patse patse ng mga istorya.

Kung ako ang nagplano, maiisip ko na "ay hindi na ako gaanong magiging emotional, nakita ko na ang concert na 'to eh." But no! Pati sa akin parang bago yung kwento. My hairs stood on end from one transition to the next. I've already seen that Passion of Christ video  a lot of times but it still left me in tears. I've already heard the witnesses' stories but I still felt the awe everytime I imagine their struggles. Kahit 7PM show na, pakiramdam ko bago na naman at 1st time kong makikita ang lahat.

Ngayon, kahit daan-daang beses ko na yatang napanood ang AM ay tumitigil pa rin ako kapag may nagbubukas ng AM videos dito sa A1. Tinitingnan ko pa rin ang photo albums. Nae-LSS pa rin ako sa mga songs. Di talaga maka-get over? Sori naman.

Tunay na hindi bumibitaw ang Diyos sa Kanyang pangako. Hindi nawalan ng saysay ang mga petitions na "For the success of Alay Musika." Ngayon, ang sasabihin na ay "THANKSGIVING for the success of Alay Musika." Maraming pinagdaanan ang Alay Musika na ito pero wala namang katumbas ang mabuting bunga nito. Ang sarap pala magpagamit sa Diyos. Magiging kumpleto ka na, mapapasaya mo pa ang iba. Tapos hindi ikaw ang makikita, kundi Siya.

Ang batang matanong ay batang matalino, kaya hindi matatapos ang aking pagtatanong dahil ako ay matalino. Tatanungin ko pa rin ang Diyos kung bakit. Bakit ako ang pinili Niya para dito? Pero makuha ko man ang sagot o hindi, masaya na ako. Basta alam kong sa Diyos ito, go lang ng go.

PS. One day, I will face God and ask Him to show me all the lives inspired by Alay Musika. Then He will show me the souls that were moved, and hug me and say, "Thank you, My Child, for laboring with me in this endeavor." That joy will be a blissful one, I promise.

When God wants me to disappear.

This afternoon, I helped in the House Committee of Choral Ensemble's Rizal: Man, Hero, Visionary. The task was not very difficult; all we had to do was to usher the audience towards their respective seats. Of course, the reward was a free pass to the 3pm show. So my companions and I stood at the lobby of DL Umali for a couple of minutes, observing, showing directions and smiling at everyone. The show was really good; the minutes we spent standing and ushering people was worth it, of course.

Since I watched them this afternoon, I've been pondering on what will happen on Feb. 9. As you know, my community has been preparing for this evangelical concert Alay Musika XXVI: Maging Akin Muli for like six or seven months now. Talk about exhaustive deliberation! The preparation really had to run for this long because we had to deliberate on a lot of things. And of course we had to raise funds, too. A production like this has always been not a menial task.

When I was in high school, I performed in the theater twice: first was a dramatic one-act play to raise funds for Brigada Eskwela, and second was a performance in our parish. I do not have to tell you if I was good or not; but all I could say was it came to a point when I thought that "the stage is calling me." Or more profoundly, "the stage is my calling." Or maybe "I am meant for the stage." It was because I felt that when I act that the stage becomes my home.

College comes and of course, priorities change. For years, this yearning and the "calling of the stage" remained lenient within me. I still wanted to perform though; everytime I watch production plays at DL Umali, that little performer in me wants to come alive again. Everytime I come across audition invites, I get "tempted" (lame term, my apologies) to come and try. But then, being an amateur juggler of my own schedule, I do not have all the time in the world. As a member of Lisieux, most of my nights are fully booked and to tell you honestly, I already found contentment in this family; when something from outside catches my attention, I usually find it easy to forget about it.

Here goes Alay Musika. Wow, good to know that Lisieux stages evangelical concerts, too. It seems like the theater is inviting me back to her bosom again.Concert singer for three Alay Musika's in a row! As long as I'm still staying here in UPLB, I will be performing as a concert singer.

What struck me the most in the three AM's that I've joined is a bizarre realization about what must happen in an evangelical performance (or at least in Alay Musika). In all my performances, I longed to have the share of the spotlight. I longed to tell the world that hey, I can perform. This is my artistic side. The world ought to take a look.

But for this concert, God is requiring me to disappear. In all my song numbers, God asks me to sink down. With sinking I do not mean having inferiority complex or staging a mediocre performance. But He wants me to sink down so that Someone more important and more deserving would be noticed instead of me.

He wants me to get rid of me. He wants me not to think of MY song, MY stands, how I look, and what people will think of ME. My practices have been all about ME, ME, ME! How do I look? How good do I sing? How do I move around in that little stage I call MY home? Indeed, those silly details I am concerned about has always been about ME. It is as if this entire production revolves around me.

But this time, at the day of the concert, the Good Lord tells me that Someone who deserves to be salient should be made salient. He must be The Salient One in this concert. It is because He really is! He is the one who gave my voice and yours. He is the one who gives you the blessing of concert practices. He is the one who sends funds for the concert. He is the Invisible Hand that moves even the minutest details of this concert. He is the one who provided everything, and all I had to do was to wait (sometimes impatiently) for His blessings as I could not get them on my own. No, never.

I, the proud concert singer who in reality has nothing to be proud of, am the very least to be credited for in this concert. In fact, what credit do I even deserve? Everything in this concert became possible by the Invisible Hand who inspires everyone. What am I to be proud of? Even if I labor for evangelical concerts my entire life, it will still be Him who shall provide everything. I could never stand alone.

God is the king of Generosity. Even what we give to Him comes from Him. Our offerings to Him are, technically speaking, His. In man's point of view, this might be odd. What's the point of lending something to someone and asking him or her to offer it back?

But in God's point of view, our offerings are the most priceless possession that He has. It becomes even more unimaginable to think that He does not need any of these, yet He accepts it anyway, to the greatest delight of His heart. How comforting it is to offer something to God; aside from not needing the offering but accepting it anyway, He also gives the offering back, but adds, no, multiplies it a hundredfold. But even if nothing comes back, will it be put to waste? No, no offering is put to waste, maybe unless you offer it halfheartedly.

May Feb. 9 be a day of glory - a glory not for ourselves but only for the Lord, who continues to reign in heaven and on earth. May our voices and all our efforts lead to a greater good, and that is, to manifest Your goodness in all the ends of the earth. May this concert be about You and You alone, Lord! Gloria in excelsis Deo!

A song, a guitar, and a walk down memory lane.

"Feels like I took my last step, and my last breath in my life...


... My sun doesn't shine, without you."


Browsing YouTube for a song to play lead me to this song. This song that made me walk down that hurtful, or rather insightful, memory lane. We were acquaintances and we talked casually. I don't know what happened.  You had that certain charm that make girls go gaga. One day I just found myself falling for you. Falling damn hard that I looked forward to seeing you everyday.

This song is memorable to me because I heard you sing it. I showed you my guitar and you asked if it was mine. Then you played that song right on that bench, your voice not a popstarish one but sweet enough to melt my soul. I thought, oh how I wish that song is for me.

"Have you ever seen a flower that never bloomed? Seen a starless night without the moon?
Well that's me without you, so come back and turn my nights into day."

But just like everyone else in my life, you had to go. I had a little idea that you had to. Other than my friends' stories to me, I found no courage to ask your plans. I secretly prayed that you did not have to shift. It was hard knowing that you really wanted to go somewhere else, despite the fact that you were already happy here. Follow your dreams. Follow. Chase it. Don't give up. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. I had my biases. You know I never wanted you to go.

So you left, and I cried. It was painful that I never had the guts to tell you how I feel. Days, weeks, months passed. The pain lingered for so long. Then just like a natural scar, it healed slowly. On and on to my healing stage until the memory doesn't hurt.

Sometimes I wonder what my reaction will be if I pass you by on the street. Sometimes I still wish that I could talk to you face to face. But of course, those are just wishes. And parts of my wildest dreams.

Tugsh. My short note for today

"I never knew a man
Who'd give his life for sinners like me,
But yet because he loves us so,
He's promised us eternity

And we could have this promise and be His
If we have faith and just believe."

~Take Me Out of the Dark


TUGSH.

In the name of faith.

'Di mahulugang karayom' (no needle could fall to the ground). credits to lakbaylente.com

As I write this, I watch TV Patrol featuring a report on the Feast of the Black Nazarene. In this time of the year, thousands of devotees from all over the country (and maybe from abroad, we never know) come together to join the procession and "pahalik" of the Nazareno along the roads of Quiapo. For many, it has been a panata (vow) to join this procession. For others, they have a certain prayer that they lift up to the Poong Nazareno. All of these risks in the name of faith.

I could not imagine myself walking along the avalanche of people. For one, my asthma might kill me. I am also too short, so maybe all I could do is climb up a tree like Zacchaeus.

But trust in God is ultimately what drives these people to continue their panata every year. Even the 80-year old lolas and sick people join. Even celebrities! I am amazed at everyone. Before going to the procession, they are completely aware of their uncertain fate. Stepping in the streets of Quiapo comes all the risk of stampede and health dangers one might encounter.

All in the name of faith. This is how people in the Philippines show their devotion and worship to God. I am proud and thankful to be in a culture where people just express their faith freely. Even in the verge of danger,  their trust in God as the Ultimate Healer shine forth. I pray for a safe and fruitful paggunita of the Feast.

Laudate Dominum!

Hurts all the more.

It hurts all the more
When I have to give up.
It hurts all the more
When I am crying inside
And nobody knows.
It hurts all the more
When I have to suppress  the feelings.
It hurts all the more
When I need to get hurt
In order that someone would be happy.
It hurts all the more
When my heart wants to shout
But could only whisper to the wind.