I'm starting the new year with a BANG! Well, literally.
I'm sick.
But before you type that "Get well soon" comment, before you grab your phone and text me "Anyare sa'yo Mich?" Let me tell you I'm good. I'm doing well. And definitely not gonna die. Grabe ba? Haha!
I'm currently on week 3 of a one-month leave. I keep my fingers crossed, in hopes that my doctor would finally allow me to go to work on February. One month of leave has its perks: rest from exhaustion, needless to say; a well-deserved break after months of working my ass off; lots of time for introspection.
However, it can be a wee bit boring, too. Sometimes I wish I were in the office, so I'd have something to finish instead of just sitting here. Sometimes I wish I had the capability to travel, given the luxury of time I have now. But the doctor says it clearly: I have to rest at home. And so I do.
Some of the things I planned for myself were also revamped because of my untimely sickness. I remember saying I would finally straighten up my academic plans in 2016. I had been putting a pin on it ever since, and unfortunately, that plan has to wait for another while. Also, I planned a trip to Baguio before I got diagnosed. I didn't expect to be on bed rest this long. So nope, that trip's not happening. Bummer.
I realize I haven't told you yet what happened to me. Haha, okay. Last Christmas, I woke up coughing significant amounts of blood (sorry, TMI!). Merry Christmas, 'no? Bloody red, Pasko daw kasi? Haha. I was alarmed. But then it was a holiday, I knew it was not a good time to go to the hospital. So I decided to wait the next day. When I got there a doctor (of internal medicine, not exactly the one I needed) checked up on me, prescribed meds for the bleeding, and suggested I take x-ray and lab tests. It was pretty hard to find a pulmonologist that time, since it was the holiday season and most doctors were on vacation. Tl;dr DON'T get sick during the holidays.
I also noticed my lungs grew weaker in the following days, as if the infection grew exponentially. I felt pain on my left lung. I couldn't properly move, stretch, lie down, and get up. The doctor suggested to have me admitted in the ER immediately (which, in retrospect, was unnecessary). Upon reaching the ER, the doctors there wouldn't admit me because I was still very stable, and that time, I had not talked to a pulmonologist yet. Whew!
Anyway, I was finally able to complete my tests and find a pulmonologist (after new year na, told you they were difficult to find). He was very kind, and still is; he painstakingly explained the condition of my lungs. Apparently the infection had been there for a long time; it had accumulated for months or even years. My lungs were in pretty bad condition, especially the left one, which first had the infection and contracted it to the right lung. I am no radiologist but when I saw my x-ray, I could definitely tell something is wrong. My right lung looks very different from my left lung. The left one also seems to have shrunk in size. Both lungs have fuzzy stuff floating on them (I don't know what they're called, so let's just call them fuzzy stuff, okay?).
This is the disease that killed St. Therese of Lisieux. It is also what killed St. Don Bosco. Well, many saints and famous people in the olden days were killed by this godforsaken disease. If I lived in the nineteenth century, I would have been dead too.
But that's the thing. I live in the twenty-first century, and in this era, this disease is very easily curable. All I need to do is to have some rest, drink my medicines, and avoid close contact with people. That's it! It's not even a painful cure. It's not really that bad. In fact, this is nothing when I compare myself with people who are really sick -- now they are the real survivors. They are the ones we should be praying for.
What do I get out of this sickness now? There are three things I am thankful to God for:
First, modern medicine. Thank God for advancements in medical technology. This disease has killed so notoriously before, it's unfathomable how easily it can be cured now. Doctors are blessings. Medical practitioners are heavensent. Those who work in hospitals are the real unsung heroes.
Thank God for allowing me to have, of all diseases, this one -- one that is within our capability to cure. I do believe this sickness is only for the good; it couldn't have been for anything else, because God is good. He allows it to happen to me so I may learn something from it. If anything, this is a fountain of grace. Omnia in bonum -- Everything is for the good.
And finally, thank God for my life. I know it's quite obvious (even in this blog) that I was in a not-so-happy place the past year. Honestly, I haven't fully recovered from that yet. There are still times when life seems void of meaning. At times, I feel so purposeless.
I guess when you see blood in your mouth, your perspective is bound to change. When you feel physically weak, you become alarmed that you want to cling so dearly to the very life you once rejected -- this one and only life you have. You realize you still want to live it. Your life suddenly becomes not pointless at all.
When your lungs go bad, you become thankful for literally each breath, because you know you could have been dead, but God continues to breathe life into you.
And I am thankful to God for every breath.
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"The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4
