Sept. 17, 2012
2:00am
Whitehouse Apartments, Los Baños, Laguna
I am surprised by the fact that I am writing now. So many thoughts are running inside my head - things I have not thought about in the LSS because maybe, I had so little quiet time back then. It's amazing how God speaks in silence - you cannot imagine the beauty of His words.
I attended the seminar with one big question in mind: what does God want me to do with my life? It's not easy to discern your purpose when you are laid down with so many choices - be a teacher, a writer, a speaker, an office worker, a broadcaster, and many more. I think people call this the quarter-life crisis - something quite normal for people of my age.
I left the seminar without a definite answer. He did not answer me instantly. Not in a supernatural way, to say the least. But after the seminar, my faith is renewed - I will not walk the earth with a doubtful heart, for my trust in the Lord is restored.
Somehow, I feel that God will answer me soon - no, I am certain, with fullness of faith, that God will lead me eventually to where He wants me to be. But, first things first.
I think and I feel that right now, God is counseling me to look not on the past but on the future. To do this, I must let go and detach myself with one season in life I enjoyed the most -
.
I have been attached to my
so severely; I had a pretty good one. It was my purgatory; I was bombarded with trials here and there, yet I had the joy and resilience to make it through until the end.
. . It was hard not to fall in love with
and especially with the
.
But in order to move on to the future, I need to let go of the past. As much as I'd like to stay in this beloved sanctuary, I know time will come when I will have to cut my ties with it. Not that I will be gone forever and bury everything about it in my memory, but I ought to limit my presence in this community. I need to do so in order to serve God more fervently and with uninterrupted focus, in the place where He wills me to work.
This is very, very hard for me. If I were to follow what I want, I could have
. . However, I feel that God is prompting me to rest my mind in the present - where real-life problems exist. He is placing me in a different battlefield, away from my comfort zone so that I would be needing His help and seeking Him again, constantly. I need this for my own spiritual growth and that of others.
When I am stripped off of the things I want, I will recognize my nakedness and necessity of God. The questions remains - am I ready to break off with my comfortable battlefield so that He could send me to another uncomfortable but sanctifying one?
I wanted to build a tent for myself in this community, much like Peter wanted to build one for the Lord in the mountain of Tabor. If I do this, I might probably be saved. However, I could not stand the thought of going to heaven alone, since in my life I have stayed in the mountains, not taking with me even a few souls from the plains. If such is the case, I would rather go down the mountain, win souls for Him and take them with me to heaven. I know this is the hard way, but it shall bear much fruit.
And so, I commit myself to this painstaking task of breaking off with my attachments. I know this will never be easy, but at this point, I am willing to leave everything for Christ. And if He so asks me to leave
more for Him, no matter how painful, I will be willing to follow.
Fiat voluntas tua.
