Cherry on top.

My December was a blast.

My December was the cherry on top of the delicious cake that was my 2013. It is the best month of my year! I had a lot of things going on. I was busy, my schedule was filled, I had little sleep, but it was a lot of fun :D (and I ought to share some pics too; they are too memorable) =>

a. After a long time, I finally re-attended the Communion of Reparation (ComRep) Vigil in LB. ComRep Vigil is an overnight spiritual activity -- Mass, Confession, prayers, sharing, reflection, and adoration to the Blessed Sacrament. I frequented ComRep back in college, but after I graduated, I never returned. It was so grace-filled to be with the community again and pray together, listen to inspiring sharings, and adore Christ.

b. After the overnight vigil came a crazy weekend full of papers. I spent all weekend finishing the paper, and, by God's grace, victoriously finished everything! I finished it at 5am and had 30 minutes of sleep before going to work, but the pay is worth it *wink*.

c. On Tuesday of that same week, I was invited by an orgmate to sing at ABS-CBN's Christmas Concert for the benefit of Yolanda victims. It was thrilling! It was my first time to step in the halls of the Araneta Coliseum... and I was not a spectator, but a performer! Wow... It was ecstatic. A lot of Kapamilya stars were there. Our eyes were twinkling every single moment. Haha!

At the backstage while waiting for our turn.
(c) Kajd de Leon

Stunning Kat Bernardo. And there we are in the background! LOL!
(c) JR Azagra

d. My birthday came. Many of my friends greeted me, and some even bought gifts. Touching ^____^ we had a simple celebration at home, where my titos, titas and cousins came. I was a happy kid.

I repeat: A really happy kid.
(c) Sally Eugenio 

e. The day after my birthday, I attended the Feast at PICC and heard some inspiring messages from Bo Sanchez. The most memorable advice is to "Eat your frog early in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day." It means that if I have some difficult task, I should do it right on, so that the next tasks of the day will be peanuts. This advice very much applies to me, because I always have a tendency to procrastinate difficult tasks. Bull's eye, Lord. Huhu!

f. That same day, I attended Aurum: The Philippine Madrigal Singers' 50th Anniversary Concert. It was my birthday treat -- we got 50% discount on tickets! Their voices are, as always, terrific than ever. I also got a photo op with Ily (tenor). He's so pogi! Hihi! I will definitely watch them again.

Aurum buddies.
(c) Yani Cinco

With Ily (Tenor). We do look alike so...alam na. HEHEHE
(c) Yani Cinco

g. I don't really dance, but of course, I have no power over my officemates (lol!), because it's our office tradition -- newbies get to perform at the office Christmas Party. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to just get it over with. Besides, a friend advised me to "have the courage to let yourself be vulnerable." So if this performance is going to make me vulnerable to others' judgment, then screw it!
But I didn't expect that I would have so much fun! I was really happy during our practices (tired, yes, but happy!). It was also a break from all the monotony I've been feeling in the past few weeks.
I also saw how God's providence unfolded right before our eyes. We started from scratch: no budget, no props, no organization, no professional help for our performance. But slowly, we tried to make it work. Our director, to the best of his ability, choreographed our moves; the practices pushed through; the props and costumes came in one by one. Everything was Divine Providence, I tell you.

A few hours before the party, when we were goofing around.
(c)  Leah del Rosario

The Nian Monster and I. Awesomesauce.
(c) Leah del Rosario

h. And of course, we actually WON the Best Performance award in the Christmas Party! ^______^ This is the cherry stem on the cherry on the top of the delicious cake that is my 2013! Honestly, up to this day, I still can't over the fact that we won.

Winning moment! :)
(c) Paddy Pagcaliwagan

i. Christmas is always celebrated best with family! I got to spend Christmas with my family. And although I have a bulk of papers to do, that I didn't go out much this Christmas season (I actually didn't go out at all), I feel so happy and peaceful.

Christmas @Tita Sally's. The only day I ever went out.
(c) Sally Eugenio

I feel a twinge of sadness because 2013 is almost over. 2013 is so far very good to me, I don't want it to fly away just like that. Haha! I'm nuts, I know. But I have high hopes for 2014, because my gracious God will not fail me.

Thank you, Lord! I cannot thank You enough. :)

Pag-iinarte @ CCP, slide-on-the-wall style.
(c) Yani Cinco

Christmas a la Fulton Sheen.

When God revealed Himself to this poor world of ours, men cried in astonishment: ‘Why, it is a child?’ And so it is that the closer we get to God the more we become children, and the closer God gets to us the more He becomes a child. No one in the world ever suspected that the Ancient of Days Who presided at creation would take His throne in that creation as a babe in a crib, just as no one ever thought He would tell the old men of forty, like Nicodemus, that they must be born again. Christmas, then, is the coronation of childhood, the glorification of the young whose hearts are simple, the proclamation to aging hearts that the world need not despair and die, because the Fountain of Youth has come into it to turn time backward, make old things young again.” Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen (In the Fullness of Time)

“Christ’s coming into the world was not like that of a sightseer to a strange city, but rather like that of an artist visiting his own studio or an author paging the books he himself has written, for in becoming incarnate, the divine Word was tabernacling Himself in His own creation.” Archbishop Fulton Sheen (In The Fullness of Time)

Jesus Christ is God in the form of man. The eternal appears in time. The Eternal Word, by Whom all things in the world were made, is now rejected by the world He made: “There was no room in the inn.” The Bird Who built the nest of the universe is hatched therein: He Who made His mother, is born of His Mother. All the nations of the earth are made of one blood, and now the Son of God partakes and assumes that blood as the new Head of Humanity.
At Bethlehem, heaven and earth meet: God and Man look each other in the face. A Mother for the first time in the universe, as she holds the babe in her arms, now looks “down” to heaven.
Because nothing greater than this will ever happen in the world, the peace of the world is conditioned upon that great act being repeated, in a reduced measure, in each of us. As God took upon Himself a human nature through the free consent of a woman, so too He asks us, through our free consent to give Him our nature, as Mary gave Him one. Then Christ begins to rule our mind: then we put on the mind of Christ, the love of Christ, the Spirit of Christ. Not many are willing to do this.
“He came unto His own and His own received Him not.” That is why there are Christmas cards with sleighs and fat men. But there will always be some who will see and understand the meaning, and to all who received Him “He gave them the power to become the sons of God.” We cannot have the word Christmas without Christ: so neither can we be Merry on the inside without Him."
Archbishop Fulton Sheen 1962 (Bishop Sheen Writes)

"The date is December twenty-fifth, but to the humble man, it is Christmas; the manger is a throne; the straw is royal plumage; the stable is a castle; and the Babe is God. He found Power because he was weakness, and the Infinite, Immense and Eternal God, because he was little – for it is only by being little that we ever discover anything big.
He lies upon straw on earth and yet sustains the universe and reigns in Heaven; He is born in time, and yet He existed before all time; Maker of the stars under the stars; Ruler of the earth an outcast of earth; filling the world, lying in a manger. And yet the proud man sees only a Babe. The humble, simple souls, who are little enough to see the bigness of God in the littleness of a Babe, are therefore the only ones who will ever understand the reason of His visitation. He came to the poor earth of ours to carry on an exchange; to say to us, as only the Good God could say: You give me your humanity, and I will give you my Divinity; you give me your time, and I will give you my eternity, you give me your weary body, and I will give you Redemption; you give me your broken heart, and I will give you Love; you give me your nothingness, and I will give you My all.
Thus the birthday of the God-Man is the children’s day, in which age, like a crab, turns backwards, in which the wrinkles are smoothed by the touch of a recreating hand, in which the proud become children, and the big become little, and all find God." (The Eternal Galilean)

Midnight Mass realizations. Merry Christ-Mass!

There was a gush of realizations on today's midnight Mass on the Solemnity of the birth of our Lord. I could feel God's words swelling up like it was still 33 AD. Truly, when the Word of God is remembered, the past and the present seem to converge. The Word is alive!

a. Even before the Angel Gabriel came to her, Mary was already beginning her 'fiat' when she was betrothed to Joseph. It was this very first act of submission to God's plan that proceeded to her eventual 'fiat' to becoming Christ's mother. Mary's life, in its entirety, is an act of submission to God's will.

b. Mary asking "How will this be so, since I have no relations with a man?" (Lk. 1:34) shows faith seeking understanding. There is nothing wrong to ask God about his will for us; it is certain that our human understanding will find its limits. We might find answers that are vague and beyond our understanding, but God's ways are always the wisest.

c. When Mary came to visit Elizabeth, I could imagine how awestruck the latter is. "And why is it granted me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?" (Lk. 1:43) This is the true Sense of the Sacred: a thumping heart and awe-filled soul when face-to-face with the Living Sacrament. Mary's mere presence fills the soul with the Holy Spirit. This is possible not by Mary's own merits, but by the Child who was in her womb!

d. When exulted by Elizabeth, Mary responded by giving back the glory to Christ: "My soul magnifies the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior" (Lk. 1:47). It has always been Mary's role in the history of Christianity: to magnify the Lord. When she is exulted, she humbles herself and exults Christ instead. And with this, her beauty radiates even more.

e. When the time for Mary to give birth came, Joseph frantically, but well-composedly tried to find an inn for them. I can see how the Lord planned this perfectly: that St. Joseph be father to Christ, because he will do everything for Mary and Jesus, even if it meant knocking on endless doors and begging to be taken in. I wish that every girl find a man like this to be her own husband: a man after Joseph's own heart.
In our times, we tend to be like the innkeepers, who kept the door shut for Christ. We tend to be too busy that we may not have any room for Christ in our heart. But the only way to experience the divine is to accept his simplicity and let him in; like how the owner of the barn took the Holy Family.

f. As if coming to the world as a mere human is not enough, the Lord decided to do something even more humbling -- be born in a manger. The King of Kings was born on a manger. THE KING OF KINGS WAS BORN ON A MANGER! Even I was born on a hospital bed, complete with medical supplies and safety kits. But the Lord of heaven and earth chose to be born on a manger? This is the first of the numerous instances where Christ would humble himself to be living example. This, truly, is the Lord of humility.

In order to find the Lord, one need not look far and wide; one need not search the most royal of palaces. Because the Lord is found in the simplest place in the world -- the manger. In simplicity, the true riches are hidden. In simplicity, the divine is found.

____________
All these reflections and more in the best season of the year. May we experience and share to others the true meaning of Christmas as we meditate in the life of Christ. MERRY CHRISTMAS! Gloria in excelsis Deo!

O sing to the LORD a new song; sing to the LORD, all the earth!
Sing to the LORD, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day.
Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples!
Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
let the field exult, and everything in it! Then shall all the trees of the wood sing for joy
before the LORD, for he comes, for he comes to judge the earth. He will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with his truth. (Ps. 96: 1-3, 11-13)

Still, omnia in bonum.

12-20-31
Posted on Facebook:

When God led me to this company, my initial plan was to stay for just a few months until I get the job I was really pining for. The thought that I would actually like this job didn't occur to me. I thought I would hate the tiring routine, the overtime, the long travel, the Saturday work...

But in a mystical way, I found a profound joy in this job, which I didn't find in my previous job, and which trumps all those other minimal concerns. I learned that what matters the most is that one finds peace of mind in his work, no matter how hard the circumstances are.

This inexplicable joy and peace of mind is the reason why I am sure that this is precisely where God wants me to be right now. Finding joy in this work, I can feel that in this way, God is using me for his greater glory. I may not be the best and perfect editor as of yet, but with this joy I find in my work, I may finally let God perfect me, and in turn, let others see him through me.

Omnia in bonum (everything is for the good). God never fails in reserving the best for his people. May we never falter in believing in him, no matter how confusing his will sometimes is.

PS. By God's grace, I am now a regular employee, and I opt to stay longer. Thank you, Lord!

My theological questions on soulmates and destiny. Yep, for real!

What is God's stand on soulmates, serendipity and destiny? As far as freewill is concerned, I am free to choose wherever and I want to be and whoever I want to be with. Right?

But then...

If God set it that I were to meet a guy in a certain area, but I choose not to go, then I would have eluded the guy who was supposed to be my soulmate. (So in that case, he was not really my soulmate to begin with. Or is that the case?) Confusing, right?

How does all of this work? Is it true that God reserves for people (who are bound to enter the vocation of marriage) someone who is bound to be their "soulmate"? Up to what point does He interfere with this aspect of life?

I always like to think that, while God allows circumstances to happen to me, in principle, I am in control of my life -- the freewill that God gave me makes me the captain of my own ship. The whole point of freewill is for us to freely choose and love Him, so in principle, He would not dare mess with our freewill. But if I meet a guy in a serendipity-like manner and marry him, is it valid to say that it was God's arrangement? Or was it MY arrangement (because you know, I was the one who chose to fall in love), and God merely allowed that arrangement because He gives consent to my will of marrying this guy? What caused me to meet the guy in the first place -- me or God? And what caused me to actually fall in love? Really, whose moving is this? What role do I partake in this situation, and what role does God?

Jagged pieces.

Broken, like glass that’s fallen, that's what I am
into pieces, a thousand fragments, broken by
every shattered dream and every time I fail,
every word of anger, each time hate prevails.

You are a broken glass. You fell, failed, and was scattered into many pieces. You try to carefully tread into the way, but still you continue to be wounded. You are smashed beyond repair.

And nobody uses a broken glass like you. A broken glass is kept away and put to trash; nobody will have the audacity to pick you up. You are a broken glass; you will be dispatched, because you are useless.

Or are you?

You continue to resist being touched, because you are afraid of baring to others how broken you are. Anyone who touches you gets pricked; therefore, you are sure to harm others. Instead of causing others to bleed, you choose to bleed alone.

This is why you try your best to cover up this brokenness -- by putting on a classy robe that hides it. This robe distracts you and others from looking within. It gives you the idea that you are invincible. Everything seems well and easy, and you hope this strategy works.

Or does it?

Too often I’ve run away, and too often I’ve hid my face;
too seldom, I’ve sought your boundless embrace.

This robe is the cloak of your busyness, your distractions -- your excessive working, your running to and fro, your gadgets and technological whatnots, your endless parties, your nonsensical entertainment and your shallow friends.

You are so afraid of silence, for in silence, another Voice becomes audible... This Voice, no matter how soothing, is also terrifying; It reminds you of the emptiness you feel. And so for you not to be reminded of that brokenness, you keep drowning the silence by constantly listening to "music". This music pleases the ears but not the heart, and you know it, but you keep listening anyway... You try to to hush down the Voice that is heard only "when you shut down the world's volume."

...but you know deep inside, at the end of the day, that you will have to remove this robe. Sooner or later, you will have to face the truth.

Then all your brokenness will be revealed again. This is why you are afraid to take off the robe.

What is a way out of this mess? How do you heal your brokenness?

You don't.

At least for now.

And though glass can cut like nails,
still You pick up these jagged pieces
though they wound You with pain and pride.
You soothe them beneath Your fingers
and comfort this broken child.

If you try so hard to heal yourself, you will have tried in vain. You will seek refuge to the world...but the world can only do so much to heal you. The world in all its vainglories cannot heal you.

But there is Someone who can. He is the hand that picks you up in spite of your brokenness. This Hand is not afraid to touch a broken glass like you. In fact, He will lovingly and willingly do so. He knows that you are prickly and painful to touch, yet He carries you anyway.

In the process, His hand gets pricked, because you are stubborn and you keep resisting His embrace. You continuously pierce Him while struggling to run away from His presence. He holds you tighter to His bosom and you resist it, and you make Him bleed... but all the more He holds on to you dearly.

The world continuously makes His heart and hand bleed, for man's persistent resistance to Him makes Him bleed like hell. There is bloodshed in the heart of God.

But this blood is the only way to heal the world. God's pain became mankind's gain.

How odd and ironic is it?

And he won't let you go, no matter how much you hurt Him.

There is no way you can heal yourself. Because there is only one person who can heal you, one Hand who can pick you up.

So I’ll offer these broken pieces
each day I’ll bring them where You reside
and rest there, safe in Your presence
forever, Your broken child.
Your broken, beloved child.

Because you need to be broken in order to be shared.

...

If you ask me how I'm doing,

I would say I'm doing just fine...

I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.

But I go out and I sit down

At a table set for two,

And finally, I'm forced to face the truth.

No matter what I say, I'm...

not over you.

Crazy schedules and answered prayers.

Oh dear, it had been a crazy August.

Right now I am looking at my calendar on my desk at the office. This is where I write my OTs. Almost every day for the month of August was blocked. There were times I spent the night at the office. Coffee and energy drink ran in my blood just to keep up with the long hours. Whew! How did I end up this way anyway?

I started this job in the editorial department of a publishing company in Quezon City. The company produces mostly academic books, with law books as the its premiere products. Our section in the editorial department is assigned with the basic education books (elementary and high school). I don't have any Educ background (except perhaps DEVC40. Uhmmm I'm not sure if that counts), so I was a little afraid, but since I have Journ background, they figured that editing materials for books might be up my alley. 

This job serves a a breather from all the soul-searching I did prior to this job. As some of you know, I took some time struggling with the so-called quarter-life crisis (or is 22 too early for that? Whatever). After I graduated, I found it hard to find my place in the workplace and, consequently, in the adult world. I got a temporary contractual job, which I fondly enjoyed while it lasted, then I found myself clueless again about where I should go.

A few weeks into the unemployment, I attended a Life-in-the-Spirit Seminar, with the hopes of consulting my internal compass - God, about all the mess I've been having. It was such a blissful and fruitful experience, and I did get His message for me that time. But of course, it's not like God would magically solve my confusion, so I still had to struggle about my vocation and unemployment issues.

After another three months of unemployment, I finally landed a job in a research foundation somewhere in Ortigas. I stayed there for a short while, then I resigned. Then after my brief experience in that job, I had to face yet another phase (see what I did there? They're homonyms. hihihihi) of unemployment. Wow, yaman ko noh? Please... I was broke and empty for months. I can't imagine how I survived those months penniless. Good thing my parents never left me in my time of need.

In May 2013, I finally got this job in the publishing company. In June, I was all set and good to go. Honestly, I wasn't really excited about this job, for I was expecting something else. A day before I accepted this placement, I braved going to AFP; their Reserve Command was in need of a writer and I figured I could try my luck. So I marched there, took the tests, and faced the interview with the Commanding Officer herself (she was kind, but I was scared!). I told God that if it was really not His will for me to take the job in the publishing company, He would get me through this by letting me work at AFP. I also prayed that it was actually His will to place me there (Haha! I'm terrible. I remembered, prayer doesn't work that way. Hayyy). Much to my dismay, that night the Commanding Officer texted me. I didn't get the job. So after that bad day, I halfheartedly said yes to the publishing company.

I was resolved to spend "just a few months" in the company, during which time I would see if I have a shot with the "dream jobs" I was really pining for.

But truly, God's ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9), and His plans turned out to be different and better than mine. Have I known all along that He truly is the perfect planner of my life, I wouldn't be so skeptical of His plans for me.

It turns out I actually like my job. I like editing, I like the books, I like the company, and I like the thought of actually contributing something to the service of people. :) I knew I should have trusted Him about this job. How good is the Lord, who is true and faithful to His promise!

There are downsides to this job, however. The insane long hours of work, particularly during the peak season; the location (for crying out loud, I reside in Makati, and yet I chose a job that's far away); the traffic (hello Quiapo and España); the Saturday work (it seems I'm missing out on a lot of things); and the potential membership in an organization in my own parish I neglected because of my hectic schedule (busyness was not my primary reason for backing out, but it was a major setback).

But I believe that if one really enjoys what he is doing, he can endure these things, no matter how hard. It's amazing how I manage to cope.

I feel that this might not yet be the end stop for me... I am young and I have a lot in mind. But my heart is contented and happy, and carefree as it may sound, that is what matters to me right now. With this, I can rest my mind and finally focus on serving God through my work. Finally, I may not worry (for now) about where I should go next, but instead, enjoy the journey and let God take care of the future. When the time comes when I'll have to leave (alis agad iniisip, di pa nga regular? hahahaha), I hope that God would be gracious to help me through it. After all, I wish to be docile to the plan of God, and I pray He would grant me the grace to be one, given that I am so hardhearted and proud and all.

My end goal is for my life to be always of service to God, no matter where He wills me to go and what He wills me to do. It sounds almost insanely impossible, but I believe that since I was bought by the blood of such a precious martyr called Christ, this is what every Christian must do. Frankly, I am alarmed and perpetually afraid of this goal, because if He asked that I give up my all for Him, I don't know if I would be gracious enough to say yes. I am constantly afraid that that day would come. Seriously, how does one say 'fiat' (Be it done) as wholehearted and trusting as the Virgin Mary did?

But for now, I feel that my vocation is in this job, and in my other roles as well -- daughter, sibling, friend, lover (of my imaginary boyfriend, who else. loljk). I must focus on these things, and even if I suck at this path to holiness most times, I pray that He would be patient with me. Pray with me, my dear friends in faith, that we may become Christ's witnesses in our workplace (even if most of the time, life is a bitch).

May you walk with me hand-in-hand, and together, let us walk amidst the ungodly world towards God.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord,

"Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and on your own understanding rely not;

In all your ways be mindful of Him,

and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

_________________

P.S.

I realized that I prayed about this job last September 2012. The job I was praying for was different than this, but to my surprise, I like this job a thousandfold more than that job I was praying for. Thank God, and glory be to Him! This job is the answer to the prayer I asked God last September, and this job is actually better than what I originally asked for. Truly, omnia in bonum (everything is for the good). I am humbled and enthralled by His graciousness. His goodness is unfathomable. Every time He answers my prayers, He humbles me.

The fingerprint, the zebra and the snowflake.

The fingerprint is an amazing feature in the anatomy of humans. Most fingerprints seem identical in our eyes; yet it has been proven that no two fingerprints are alike.

The same goes with the stripes in a zebra. They all seem the same to us; yet every stripe is unique. Thus, no two zebras are alike.

Also, it is the same with snowflakes; they all have the same basic form and shape, but if you look closely at their intricacies, you will realize that each snowflake is different. No two snowflakes are alike.

See how our perception deceives us? There are many things in life that, at the first glance, seem ordinary; things that look like they merely blend in with others; things that seem indistinct when compared with the rest of their kind.

It is a valid temptation (and a persistent one indeed) to think that I do not matter as an individual; after all, there are millions of people who are identical to, even better than me. The company I work in can easily replace me in the event that I resign. A lover whom I left would find it a piece of cake to find another lover even more beautiful than me. My friends and family might weep a little over my loss, but would eventually move on without me. My demise would be barely noticed by the world; I would be "just another girl" who was born, who lived, and passed away.

Thus, I have asked God numerous times: what difference does it make that I am here? In the sea of people who keep competing against one another, do I have a role? What's the point of striving so hard, if there will always be someone out there better than me?

But the most consoling counter-argument to this is the fact that no matter how tiny and insignificant I am, somebody as big as the Lord of all creation sees me. In fact, He knows all details about me. He does not see me as "just another somebody"; He knows how unique I am.

People see me as just another fingerprint; but God can see through me; thus, He sees my uniqueness from all the other fingerprints. He sees my every fiber and says, "That is My child, whose personality I planned perfectly, and whom I single out among the rest."

To everybody's eyes, my life is just another stripe of black and white, like that of a zebra; but God sorts out beyond the black and white, unearths the intricate pattern, and loves me for that unique pattern.

While I lament on my ordinariness, there is God watching me, admiring the little snowflake that I am. He is there, hoping that I would realize that I must see myself the way He sees me.

"O what is man that you are mindful of him?" (Hebrews 2:6) Indeed, we are but a little speck in the vast universe of God. Therefore, it is mind-boggling and overwhelming to think that we would be noticed by, who else, but the Creator of all of these. Would he be interested with all our tiny troubles?

But He would, because to His eyes, we are special. And we shall be enthralled and humbled and forever thankful of this truth.

May we always remember that we are a fingerprint, a zebra, and a snowflake: carefully planned, unique, beautiful and special. May we see ourselves as creatures with worth and dignity, as the Lord so lovingly sees us. And may we use our uniqueness to harmonize with the rest of His children, so that His Name may be glorified in all the ends of the earth. Because if we are created "in the image and likeness" of God (cf. Genesis 1:26), then how beautiful are we indeed!

Drawing the line.

 I can't seem to draw the line between getting more mature and losing the zeal in life.

At times I find myself getting unexcited by the things I would have been excited about if I were seventeen. I seldom laugh my heart out, cry my heart out, get surprised and scared. A few years back, I would have been easily moved. But now, at times I find myself disinterested, tepid, noncommital, grouchy, unenthusiastic and downright apathetic. It's almost as if I'm a walking zombie.

Maturity and lukewarmness in life seem mixed-up to me; honestly, I don't know how to draw the line. How do I know if my eagerness in life is still here? How do I make sure I'm getting "more mature", but without losing my youthfulness?

What if I just don't notice it, but in my pursuit of maturity, I have already missed the fervor of life? What if in my efforts to blend in with the world of grown-ups, I have left the youth in me? What if trying hard to survive as an adult, I have killed my inner child?

Have I gotten too exhausted with figuring out the intricacies of life, that I failed to enjoy its simplicity? Have I been earnestly chasing money and career and identity, but in the midst of it all, left behind the joy of the chase? Have I been awfully old at heart? Have I turned bitter and terrible?

I want to get in touch again with the naive, carefree, childlike part of me; that part of me seems sound asleep. I wish to bring back the zeal and the joy. I want to wake up with no worries about what will happen today. I want to laugh until I hurt my belly; I want to cry for the silliest reasons; I want to yell my lungs out at the slightest startle... just like how I was a few years back.

But at the same time, I wish to retain the wisdom of growing up I have gained. I want to remain calm and composed; I want to be sturdy in adversities; I want to be in control; I want to be in charge. I wish to remain mature, sensible and sagacious.

Is it possible to grow yet un-grow? Can I mature and yet remain a child? Can I become one and still be the other? Can I get the best of both worlds?

My dear friends, help me draw the line. The grown-up part in me says it is but a little bother, but the child in me says that the sorrow stings like hell.

The unsolicited gift (2)

Is there some level of truth to the movie Inception? Probably. The fact that ideas can be planted in one's mind while one is asleep cannot be true for humans (at least for now), but it is true and possible with God.

God pre-planted the idea of Himself in the mind of everybody. Whether He did it while we were asleep or while we were in our mother's womb or in some other instance, we cannot know. But the only certain thing is this: the idea of God is deeply planted in our instincts since the dawn of time.

Why is it necessary for God to pre-plant this idea in us? Why are we the only species that possesses this concept of God? Why didn't He plant it in the minds of animals and other organisms? I can think of only one reason: humans have a special purpose to serve, and this "God instinct" serves as our compass in life.

This God instinct must be the guiding concept that humans need to navigate through the complexities of life. It does not mean that humans are just supposed to blindly follow this intuition of God, or the "I feel that God exists, therefore He does" attitude; rather, it pushes man to seek the Truth about God, in order that God may reveal Himself to him.

In reality, we would not have known God if it were not His initiative to reveal Himself to us. The greatness, majesty and glory of God (not to mention His three divine Persons) are too mind-boggling and overwhelming for humans to comprehend; this is one limitation of the small chunk of meat in our heads. Simply put, we cannot fathom Him in all His fullness, even if we combine all our minds together.

But in retrospect, the story did not stop there. He did not intend His children to be forever puzzled whether or not there is a God; He did not intend to surprise us when we die and say "Voila! I do exist!"; He did not leave us orphans by hiding His face to humanity. God is not just a God of all majesty and grandeur; He is, above all, The God of Love. God is a God who reveals himself. And so in order for man to love God, he ought to know Him first. "God is not ashamed to be called their God; indeed, he has prepared a city for them" (Heb 11:16).

It is for this reason that God revealed Himself to man through the course of time, as attested by the heroes of our faith in the old and new testaments. From generation to generation, God made a gradual revelation of Himself. All our brethren in the Old Testament - Adam to Noah, to Abraham, to Isaac and Jacob, to David, to Isaiah, and then on and on to John the Baptizer... laid down and foreshadowed the God, the Messiah who is to come. In the fullness of time, this revelation of His being was finally consummated - through Jesus Christ, the Second Person of the Triune God. "But when the fullness of time came, God sent his Son. He came born of woman and subject to the Law " (Galatians 4:4). In that perfect moment, He came down on earth, humbled Himself by being born on a manger, lived in silence, preached, healed, made miracles, and finally, allowed some rude men to pierce His hands and feet.

After Christ's time, the fullness of God has been unveiled; now we cannot say anymore that God is anonymous to us and that He cannot relate to us (or we to Him). It is He Himself who made the Spirit truly alive. Now God has revealed His face; now Spirit and matter are in harmony. "In him and under him God wanted to unite, when the fullness of time had come, everything in heaven and on earth" (Ephesians 1:10).

And so this is the overwhelming Truth (with a bold and loud capital T) that He has revealed to us. It is so comforting to think that He (in human terms) "went through all the hassle" in order to save a race that is called humanity. This Truth is almost unfathomable, indeed a mysterium fidei (mystery of faith). Only when we let the Spirit lead us where He wills shall we fully understand His mystery; only when we give in to this idea He "incepted" to us shall we find purpose and everlasting joy.


"Faith is the assurance of the things hoped for,the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)

The unsolicited gift.

Humans are skeptical beings. They tend to find empirical evidence before believing in something, and that evidence must be verified a couple more times before its authenticity is validated.

The concept of Faith seems foolish to man. It defies man's tendencies: to find evidences they can see or touch, to appear 'rational' to others, and to succumb to a higher Authority (which he does not even see!). To some people, this act of succumbing is the deal-breaker; the concept of a higher Authority whom they must follow seems unthinkable to them that they are left with only one choice: to deny His existence and live as a soulless being who shall perish with the world.

Therefore, Faith must be something divine. We will not be capable of having Faith if this Faith is not given by God Himself. Faith is not something we "struggle" to acquire; it is an unanticipated, unsolicited, and at most times, undeserved gift. If we have even a little flicker of this gift, we remain connected to God.

Man has always thirsted for a genesis - an explanation on how things, including himself, came to be. He is boggled by the past and the future. And even if he does not know it, and no matter how hard he denies it, his mind shall forever brew this idea that there must be a higher Authority.

The only way to quench this thirst of God is to surrender to it; otherwise, you will get tired of running away from the Truth. This very act of acknowledging His Lordship is the first step to Faith. This is the first of the thousand steps in your relationship to God. This relationship, when nurtured, shall consume your being, greater and greater until this relationship becomes all that matters to you. It shall matter the most, and it should, because in reality, it is indeed the only thing that matters in the end.

While you constantly resist the Authority, you reject the gift of Faith that He had long sewn in your heart. Only by acknowledging His Lordship shall the thirst of the purpose of life be quenched; only by submitting to Him shall one become at peace with the present, past and future. For while a great part of man denies this submission to God, there is a small, whispering part of him that longs for this submission.

With this note, let me share with you a beautiful excerpt from the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which so wonderfully summarizes this blog:

27 The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for:

The dignity of man rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion with God. This invitation to converse with God is addressed to man as soon as he comes into being. For if man exists it is because God has created him through love, and through love continues to hold him in existence. He cannot live fully according to truth unless he freely acknowledges that love and entrusts himself to his creator.

28 In many ways, throughout history down to the present day, men have given expression to their quest for God in their religious beliefs and behavior: in their prayers, sacrifices, rituals, meditations, and so forth. These forms of religious expression, despite the ambiguities they often bring with them, are so universal that one may well call man a religious being:

From one ancestor [God] made all nations to inhabit the whole earth, and he allotted the times of their existence and the boundaries of the places where they would live, so that they would search for God and perhaps grope for him and find him - though indeed he is not far from each one of us. For "in him we live and move and have our being."

29 But this "intimate and vital bond of man to God" (GS 19 § 1) can be forgotten, overlooked, or even explicitly rejected by man.3 Such attitudes can have different causes: revolt against evil in the world; religious ignorance or indifference; the cares and riches of this world; the scandal of bad example on the part of believers; currents of thought hostile to religion; finally, that attitude of sinful man which makes him hide from God out of fear and flee his call.

30 "Let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice." Although man can forget God or reject him, He never ceases to call every man to seek him, so as to find life and happiness. But this search for God demands of man every effort of intellect, a sound will, "an upright heart", as well as the witness of others who teach him to seek God.

You are great, O Lord, and greatly to be praised: great is your power and your wisdom is without measure. And man, so small a part of your creation, wants to praise you: this man, though clothed with mortality and bearing the evidence of sin and the proof that you withstand the proud. Despite everything, man, though but a small a part of your creation, wants to praise you. You yourself encourage him to delight in your praise, for you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.

_______________________________

(This blog is inspired by the latest encyclical of our Holy Fathers, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI and Pope Francis, Lumen Fidei. I cannot describe how deeply moved I am by their writing. Read the encyclical here.)

Confesion

Señor, yo llevo cansado

El corazon de sojoñar,

Y tan lejos me han llevedo

Los ensueños y mi andar,

Que el polvo de mis caminos

Me impide ya caminar.

Panginoon, pagal na ang

puso ko sa pangangarap

Taglay itong mithiin

Sa aking paglalakad

Malayo na ang narating.

At ang alikabok nitong dinaanan

Ay naging balakid sa landas ng tinahak.

-Adelina Gurrea Monasterio, Confesion

Humbled and thankful.

Posted this on fb a few weeks ago:

People who loathe the Catholic Church focus on the sinfulness of her people - the sinful clergy, the erring laity, the lukewarm community. On the other hand, people who love the Catholic Church see beyond her members; their focus is the Head, Jesus Christ, who is "behind the power" of the Church and, despite the sinfulness of her members, kept her free from doctrinal errors.

Being a member of this Church is a humbling act. Forever, you are scorned by the world and labeled as sinful; and indeed, you are. But it is through admitting our sinful nature that God's grace shall abound more in us. "Healthy people don't need a doctor, but sick people do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners." (Mark 2:17)

True story.

On martyrdom of the saints:

Reading the lives of the martyred saints always gives me goosebumps. I can imagine the devil say: "Man, I thought I could silence the Holy Spirit by putting threat into the lives of these poor followers, but dammit, they are so willing to die for their faith!"

Now I can make the sign of the Cross, attend Mass, and say 'I worship Jesus!' without fear of being crucified or fed to the lions. And for this, I am eternally thankful to these martyrs for dying for the faith, the faith I am now free to enjoy.

This is why the Church, despite all odds, managed to stand, firm and stronger than ever, for two thousand years and more - "Ang nagdilig sa Simbahan ay dugo ng mga martir."

True story, bro.

Coincidences.

Tue,May 7,2013

Was it all a coincidence that today, I...
1) was able to "accidentally" attend a Mass well-celebrated?
2) listened as the priest said "Don't worry, God is there" over and over, and felt as if God Himself was talking to me?
3) thrice saw a NEVER GIVE UP shirt?
4) saw the place where I yearn to be right before my eyes, and  was reminded of His purpose for me?

Yeah Lord, You never fail to manifest Your presence when I seem to forget.

A reality after delivery.

This is a repost from Facebook. It's beautiful, I'd like to share it with you.

"In a mother's womb were two babies. One asked the other: "Do you believe in life after delivery?" The other replies, "why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later. "Nonsense," says the other. "There is no life after delivery. What would that life be?" "I don't know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths." The other says "This is absurd! Walking is impossible. And eat with our mouths? Ridiculous. The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after delivery is to be excluded. The umbilical cord is too short." "I think there is something and maybe it's different than it is here." the other replies, "No one has ever come back from there. Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery it is nothing but darkness and anxiety and it takes us nowhere." "Well, I don't know," says the other, "but certainly we will see mother and she will take care of us." "Mother??" You believe in mother? Where is she now? "She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her there would not be this world." "I don't see her, so it's only logical that she doesn't exist." To which the other replied, "sometimes when you're in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her." I believe there is a reality after delivery and we are here to prepare ourselves for that reality..."

FAITH ♥

Waiting in line.

Again Jesus said to them, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you." After saying this he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit; for those whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven; for those whose sins you retain, they are retained. - John 20:21-23

That particular waiting area outside the confession box is a crucial place. Based on my experience, the hardest part of undergoing the Sacrament of Reconciliation is not the confession itself, but waiting in line for the confession.

Everytime I go to confession (and believe me, it is less frequent than you think), I get jitters waiting on the line to the confession box. My mind would go overboard. It would think one or a few of the following:

1. My sins are so severe. God can never forgive me for this.
2. My sins are not that severe. There's really no need to avail of the sacrament. (I might be bipolar :p)
3. It wretches my ego to tell someone about my innermost secrets. And that someone is also a sinner like me, so what's the point?
4. The priest might scold me. How shameful would it be!
5. The priest would be uninterested to hear my story. He has heard it a thousand times.

And so on.

My mind goes on almost paranoid mode before confession. Add to those items my fears, such as "what if I miss or forget one major sin, and make my confession invalid?" or "what if this is the same priest I encountered in my last confession, and he remembers my sins and gets mad at me for committing them again?" or simply "what if I fail in this confession?"

The waiting area outside the confession box is both a comfortable and uncomfortable place. In that area, I find consolation: people who are as wounded as I am, waiting in line, seeking to be healed in this great infirmary that is the Church, through the great antidote that is the Sacrament, by the ultimate Healer that is Christ. How consoling it is to find a fellow sinner seeking the mercy of God!

But that area is uncomfortable for me too: in this place, all my transgressions are rubbed in so deeply to my conscience. The image of the crucified Christ is a few feet away; it reminds me of the price He have paid  for the offenses I put in my list. Add to the discomfort the uneasiness, the doubts, and the second thoughts of not going to confession at all.

My confession last Wednesday is well-etched on my memory; it was not any ordinary confession (Correction: no confession is ordinary. For grace is always extraordinary!). I started crying while waiting in line for my turn. I don't usually do this! Never, never have I cried like this in confession.

It dawned on me that on the other side of the confessional, the one waiting for me is not just a priest, but CHRIST Himself. He is on the other side of the confessional, and at the same time beside me on my side of the confessional. While He very compassionately listens to my sins, He is actually near me, embracing me. The thought that struck me the most is the fact that confessing my sins to Him is like giving Him His death sentence. "Jesus, I did this, and that. I am sorry." To which He replies, "You are forgiven. Now hold the hammer and start crucifying Me, and I will die in your place."

Reflecting about this while waiting for my turn in the confessional made me shed a few tears. It still sends me shivers down my spine.

Pope Francis told us not to get tired of asking for forgiveness, for He never tires of forgiving us. Let us always avail of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Let us be truly sorry for our sins and find ways on how not to commit them again. May we always pray for each other as we struggle in the path of holiness. All for the greater glory of God!

Worst advice ever.

"Do whatever makes you happy" is probably the worst advice one could ever give.

We don't merely do what makes us happy; we ought to do WHAT IS RIGHT. Doing just whatever makes you happy leads you to countless undiscerned, selfish decisions in life.

If cheating with your girlfriend is what makes you happy, will you do it? If aborting that little "clot of blood" in your womb shall make you happy by guaranteeing you a better, undistracted life, will you do it? In these cases, if you just "follow your heart" and do what makes you happy, isn't that too selfish of you?

We don't base decisions on what will make us happy; we always consider the greater good.. Choosing what is right is regardless of our fleeting emotions. We ought to discern if our decisions are right or wrong. Sometimes, most of the time, the right thing hurts. But we ought to do it, because we can always be sure that the Good Lord is just and merciful and He rewards good deeds; something good will come out of it in His most perfect time.

Jesus never said "do whatever makes you happy." On the contrary, He actually suggested, no, commanded, the opposite! "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If you want to follow me, deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24). Is God a masochist? No, of course not. He definitely wants us to be happy, but unfortunately, that happiness is not of the world. That inexplicable joy that He promised is to be with Him forever in that Place where there is pure love and no pain. In the meantime, we shouldn't be too happy in this world so severely, or else, we will get attached to it.

If Jesus merely did whatever makes Him happy, He could and would have not died two thousand years ago. If He followed His fleeting emotion, He would have "let this chalice pass," (cf. Luke 22:42). The gates of heaven would have been forever locked on us.

But doing what is right can be painful. It should be painful. Jesus took the greatest pain from doing the most righteous thing. Therefore, we ought to share His pain by doing the right thing, too.

______________

"We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him, whom he has called according to his plan." (Romans 8:28)

February 28, 2013.

Ah, Feb 28. On this day, two momentary and historical events will transpire in my life.

1. On Feb 28, the Universal Church will be having no pope. I am talking about Pope Benedict XVI's renouncing of his papal office. Due to health reasons, he decided to step down. I felt sad hearing the news. I didn't even believe it at first. "The Pope will resign? What kind of prank is that?" was my initial reaction. Of course, it was the first time for hundreds of years. It's really sad. I felt spiritually orphaned.

2. On Feb 28, I will be having no job. See, last week, I filed a formal resignation that will be effective on the 28th. You probably already know my struggles as I blogged about it here. So my resignation is quite self-explanatory.


Will Feb 28 be a blessed day for both me and my beloved Pope Benedict.

The unfulfillment.

I will be honest. I find it hard to tell anyone about this predicament I've been having, let alone publish it in a blog. It seems difficult to share *this* part of me to you, dear reader.

But you know, I now realize how important it is for Christians to be 'witnesses' of our faith (cf. Acts 10:42). This sharing of selves by Christians strengthen our faith in Him and our fellowship with one another. Of course, to be an effective witness, I must disclose my troubles too. No matter how little and light this burden is, it still burdens me, and so I now share it to you and hope that you pray for me.

I feel...sad.

But not the I'm-gonna-go-back-to-being-emo kind of sad. Not even the I'm-gonna-cry kind of sad.

So what kind of sadness is this?

Since August after my contract ended, I've been a bummer. It was not my plan to be unemployed for a long time, but it seems that the *right* job for me continued to elude me. I kept filing applications for companies and agencies left and right. I was bummed for four months.

Okay, to be completely honest, I was slightly to blame for being bummed out. I eventually cancelled most of my applications because of the few select jobs I was really pining for. You know, the jobs that would ultimately satisfy my inner calling. Those jobs called me and interviewed me, and I thought the interviews turned out well. I hoped for the best. I begged to God for the things I hoped for.

Who would say no to a Catholic Foundation that is rooted in development communication? That is ultimately who I am - a Catholic and a devcom advocate! Who would say no to a position as a segment producer in a Catholic radio station? I would not mind travelling to and from their far office just to have that job. That's the dream... (You see, I have simple dreams.)

Those were my two outstanding applications. There are others that I really liked, but these are the ones I would fight in the Hunger Games for. For my application in the radio station, I cancelled two applications in (insert a university here) and (insert its rival university here). Both universities already offered me the job, but I was determined to chase my inner calling.

But if it's for you, no matter where all the twist and turns go, it will eventually lead back to you. Those jobs were not for me... At least for the meantime.

Last December, my bum days finally commenced: I was hired as a Publication Staff for a research and development foundation. In my joy, I heard trumpets and angels descending from heaven (hihi! Joke!). Finally, I get to do contribute something to the world and earn money.

But as you see, this job is far, way far from the calling I originally felt in my heart. Don't get me wrong; this job isn't actually bad at all. In fact, I am quite lucky: the work environment is good, the job is good, the pay is good, the schedule is excellent. But I must admit, everytime I think about that calling, the calling that is way waaaay apart from what I do, I feel kinda sad.

In my last blog, I told you that knowing God more and more is so overwhelming that if you don't tell it to the world, you're gonna burst. And that's exactly how I feel right now; I am about to burst.

I feel that God is constantly asking me to follow Him by responding to the call. But when I finally decide that I'm ready to follow, He holds me back. 

His attraction to my soul increases day after day. Sometimes, I cry and beg Him to show Himself to me, because I ache so much in this longing to be with Him (nuts? See my last blog). Everyday, I feel more and more that there is nothing more important to me than seeing His face (and that's why when I watched Les Mis, I cried myself out. I really long for Him).

I ache so much for Him. I couldn't wait anymore; I have to respond to His call.

But it seems that He attracts me and repels me at the same time. For the meantime, I have to "unfulfill" my inner calling - because I have to be at God's different work - R&D. It's a different ministry I never envisioned for myself, but nonetheless, there is a mission I have yet to accomplish here.

Unfulfilling my inner calling is sad... So sad that it's hard to accept where I ended up after the long chase of following the call. But I am not yet giving up on it; I know that in time, He will ultimately lead me to where I ought to be.

Dear reader, that is why I'm sad. But don't worry, It's a rough patch. I can make it through, because "when I am weak, I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10).

There, I disclosed a very personal story of me and that makes me a little vulnerable. But, finally talking about this makes me feel good somehow. I hope you didn't get bored, I know the blog is too long. Thank you reader. High five!

What a freak.

01-16-13 02:04PM

As some of you already know, I used to be "emo" during my first two years in college. But after a spiritual encounter that swept off my soul anew, I rediscovered how blessed I am.

I found out that there is a profound Love who loved me, and did it so greatly and graciously that I couldn't do anything about it, except to reciprocate that love.

People might think I'm nuts. In fact, they already do; they do believe "religion freaks" and "Jesus freaks" are, well, nuts. But religion freak and Jesus freak I am. That's who I am now, so haters gon' hate.

What those people do not realize is that if you just find out how God loves you and what He has done for you, you cannot simply shut up about it. I posted this on Facebook one time: Hindi mo talaga mako-contain ang pagmamahal ng Diyos; kakailanganin mo itong isabog sa mundo. The love that envelops your entire being becomes too strong that it cannot be kept inside; you must tell the world, or else you're gonna burst. "You are the light of the world. A city built on a mountain cannot be hidden" (Matt. 5:14).

And so, with much effort, I often try (sometimes succeed. Yeah, just sometimes) to incorporate my everyday life with that of my faith. I cannot be Catholic only every Sunday; I have to be a Catholic every single minute of my life, at all places, and in every fiber of my being. And I love it alright.

Slow and steady.

01-14-13 02:05PM

I feel like I'm hurrying to read a wonderful book with a happy ending; the ending is so exciting that I am tempted to skip all the way to it.

But then, the pages turn in their own pace.

On learning and living.

02:27PM

I am amazed at myself. I have been so so so lazy to write. Lots of ideas are running in the little meat in my head, but when I start to pick my ballpen up or open Notepad in my laptop, something keeps me... I must have been really timid these days, or too distracted by so many clutters.

I am new in the office; right now I am trying to survive the adjustment period. My learning curve is steep... I learn things here in my slow, steady pace, like an infant learning her first crawl.

--

Twenty-one is young. Back in high school, I thought that when I hit this age, I'd be old. I thought I could even get married.

Being in this office with people in their thirties, forties and fifties, it sank in to me that I am still at the dawn of life. And, getting married? Nah, forget it. That's the farthest thing on my mind right now. (-_-) I still have to experience and learn a lot of things. it thrills me and terrifies me at the same time.