In silence

I woke up and rushed through the day
And everything was so intense
I never got the chance to say
That I need a little silence

I had a  lot of work to do
And walked around like everyone
But I never did spare myself
A moment of silence, just one

I tried to fit in all my tasks
I moved briskly, made it all quick
Thought I never needed silence
But deep inside, I felt so sick.

I almost thought I'm superman
But no one noticed how I bleed
Oh! How will I ever find out
That silence is all that I need

I paused and sought within myself
Ran away from the noisy world
I prayed and found my inner peace
For in silence, I found the Lord

The deviant post that wasn't (and how I love being weak)

Last May I posted something here, this blog about me falling apart and all those stuff. You know, this was the time when I couldn't handle the pressure anymore. Of course I got by, although now I am facing the same problem, I guess (much more severe this time).

Writing is my thing. And I vowed that this blogsite should glorify God; this is the purpose of this blog. So I thought it was a deviant post since it was all a blurt out of worries, frustrations, and not-so-good feelings. I do it from time to time when I feel so tired.

Somehow, I realized that it wasn't a deviant post at all. Why, wouldn't I glorify God if I am weak and lost? I gave it all up and I let the Lord carry my yoke for  this matter.

When I am weak, I am strong (cf. 2 Cor. 12:10). Yes, I let Him manifest His glory. Because when I am weak, that is the best time when I need Him. And He will come to the rescue. And I will make it. Then next challenges will come. I will be strong at some point then weak in most. Then He will get me up on my feet again.

Oh, how I love this vicious cycle.

Whatacomplexworld.

Complexities. Ah, I've been bombarded with complex thoughts since I chose this jungle-like academe and stayed here for four years and more, because I seemed to have lost in the jungle's confusing maze. Yes, yes, everything is so confusing here: the ideolologies contradict each other; the people you aren't sure if their faces are true, even their genders. Sometimes I wished I were just a cat or something else, because as a complete and normal human being the complex ideas dig my head like hell and I think I just want to jump off a cliff. Or maybe it is me? I think of complex thoughts when things could otherwise be less complicated had I chosen not to think of every thing my mind can conceive given this, and that, and had I not thought of every pro and con and intervening variables of everything I encounter. Oh yeah, I know it seems a good thing to be critical but if people overdo it, it would be chaotic for our minds and for the society in general because our tendency would be to weigh everything even when weighing is not necessary for the situation at all. We all look for proofs of existence of many, many things that we cannot explain at the moment, like ghosts, and aliens, and gods or savior and things that are unseen and unperceived by our five oh so limiting senses. If we haven't seen the proof yet then what do we do? We look for everywhere in the world for the proof and everything seems to rotate into the term 'proof',' because if it has no proof then it doesn't exist. Isn't it complex enough, how people think this way? What do we do to the proof when it shows up? If it does not show up then does it mean that that something we believe in is not true at all? I do not want to think of it that way. So if this world is this complex then I will just accept it as it is. Someday I believe that everything will be explained to me, by my mom or dad or angel or something else that is unseen whether you believe it or not. For now let us just accept that the world is such as complex and unending dilemma of what to do with your existence, that is if you believe you truly exist.

(the most confusing blog I have ever written, and I intended it)

And another.

Here's another word cloud, again from this blog.

Word Cloud for my blogs

This is the word cloud for this blog. Hehe. :)

My zealous friend.

(I delivered this reflection last night at the ComRep Vigil in LBDH. Gloria in excelsis Deo!)

_________________________________________________

ZEALOUS FRIEND. Ako po si Mich. Senior Devcom student from UPLB. Thesis na lang ang nagpapatagal sa akin sa university. Noong March pa sana ako napagraduate ng UP kaya lang tumagal dahil hindi pa tapos ang thesis. Kaya I’m still here at nakakasama nyo pang magvigil ngayon. Anyway, I am going to share with you some insights on how Jesus has been a zealous friend to me.

Iniisip siguro ng marami na ang ganda ganda ng relationship ko with God. Bilang isang member ng UPLB Lisieux Music Ministry at isang taong simbahan, palagi akong makikita sa simbahan. Minsan nagsisimba, madalas umaattend ng  activities ng Lisyu, at madalas tumatambay lang naghahanap ng ka-lunch. Akala yata nila banal ako, lalo na ng mga kasama ko sa devcom.

Ang hindi alam ng marami, I have this sort of love-hate relationship with God. Hindi ako palaging high na high. “O Lord, thank you so much. You are so great. I love You so!” hindi ko yan palaging nasasambit. To tell you honestly, minsan ko lang yan nasasabi, puno pa ng doubts. Nakwento ko na ito sa ilan sa atin. Ang buhay ko noon ay no sweat. Pinalaki ako nang hindi pinagdadanas ng hirap, kahit gumawa ng household chores. Parang prinsesa lang talaga ako sa bahay, spoiled na spoiled. Kaya gagawa man ako ng chores, yung magagaan lang gaya ng pagwawalis o pag-urong ng sampay.

When I was “initiated” to the jungle-like life of college in UPLB, I was bombarded. Mahirap pala ang tunay na buhay. Hindi ako sanay nang nahihirapan, kaya lahat ng paghihirap ay tinake ko against me and against Him. Feeling ko galit sa akin ang Diyos. Everytime I experienced a difficulty, I would turn to God and say “Parusa mo ba ‘to sa mga kasalanan ko?” “Pinagsisilbihan naman Kita ah, eto pa ba ang igaganti Mo? Bakit ako?” Ang kapal lang noh? Pero kapag naman ok na, magsosorry naman ako. “Lord, I did not mean what I said. You know me naman, nakakapagsabi ng mga salitang wala sa loob ko. Sorry Lord.” As I told you, I have a love-hate relationship with God.

Give me roses, I would gladly accept them, praise God and thank Him. Give me thorns, I would readily despise them and question God why He would want to give me those thorns. There came a point when I totally rejected His cross. Out and out sinabi ko yun sa Kanya. “No, Lord. I don’t accept the cross. I am rejecting it. Take it away from me.”

Na-realize ko kung gaano yung gravity ng sinabi ko na yun. Para ko na ring ni-reject si Lord. Kasi hindi mapaghihiwalay si Hesus at ang krus. If I reject the cross, I reject Christ. Anyway, na-confess ko na yun at alam ko napatawad na ako ng Diyos. After that incident, okey na ulit kami. As I’ve said, it’s a love-hate relationship I have with God. Hindi ko naman talaga “hate” and Diyos, nase-shake lang talaga ako ng mga pagsubok sa buhay.

Pero kung love / hate man ang nararamdaman ko towards God, ako lang yun. Dahil Siya, alam kong hindi nagbabago. Zealous friend nga. Hindi lang basta friend eh, zealous pa. So passionate, so longing, so real. I could feel how He longs to be my friend. Nararamdaman ko yung saya Niya sa tuwing babalik ako sa Kanya, sa tuwing magsosorry ako, sa tuwing pupunta ako sa confession. Nararamdaman ko rin yung lungkot Niya sa tuwing tatalikod ako sa Kanya. Sa tuwing magtatanong ako ng “Bakit ako na naman Lord?” at lalo sa tuwing irereject ko Siya. Naiimagine ko yung lungkot sa mga mata Niya, at sa totoo lang masakit din, because of course I do love Christ, but this love is so frail.

Huling hirit. Dati nagde-daydream ako. May lalaki daw na mamamatay for me. Iba-ibang scenario. Kunwari mababaril daw ako tapos haharangan niya yung bala tapos siya yung mababaril. Tapos habang duguan, sasabihin niya daw that he loves me so much. Basta, how I loved the idea that someone would feel so great a love for me he would be willing to die for me. Now I realized that I need not to dream of it, it actually happened! Two thousand years ago pa. Hindi ko pa man hinihiling, naganap na. Ang kaibahan lang, hindi Niya hiniling na mahalin ko rin Siya. Basta nagmamahal Siya, whatever it takes. Tapos yung taong yon, mahal Niya pa rin yung mga taong nagpako sa Kanya. I imagine the pain on His head brought by the crown of thorns. Dapat sakin yon, kasi ako naman yung nagkasala. Pero inangkin Niya, best friend ko daw kasi Siya at best friend Niya ako. Pero paano ako magiging best friend sa Kanya kung ako mismo ang may hawak ng martilyo? Ako yung magdidiin ng pako sa mga palad Niya. At araw-araw ko yung gagawin dahil araw-araw ko Siyang ipinapako sa krus dahil sa mga kasalanan ko… but the blood He will shed out, will be for my salvation. Ironic. Truly ironic, almost impossible to understand. This is the mystery of the love of God. This is the best thing about Him – He is so selfless, so loving. He is the best best friend one could ever have.