The unfulfillment.

I will be honest. I find it hard to tell anyone about this predicament I've been having, let alone publish it in a blog. It seems difficult to share *this* part of me to you, dear reader.

But you know, I now realize how important it is for Christians to be 'witnesses' of our faith (cf. Acts 10:42). This sharing of selves by Christians strengthen our faith in Him and our fellowship with one another. Of course, to be an effective witness, I must disclose my troubles too. No matter how little and light this burden is, it still burdens me, and so I now share it to you and hope that you pray for me.

I feel...sad.

But not the I'm-gonna-go-back-to-being-emo kind of sad. Not even the I'm-gonna-cry kind of sad.

So what kind of sadness is this?

Since August after my contract ended, I've been a bummer. It was not my plan to be unemployed for a long time, but it seems that the *right* job for me continued to elude me. I kept filing applications for companies and agencies left and right. I was bummed for four months.

Okay, to be completely honest, I was slightly to blame for being bummed out. I eventually cancelled most of my applications because of the few select jobs I was really pining for. You know, the jobs that would ultimately satisfy my inner calling. Those jobs called me and interviewed me, and I thought the interviews turned out well. I hoped for the best. I begged to God for the things I hoped for.

Who would say no to a Catholic Foundation that is rooted in development communication? That is ultimately who I am - a Catholic and a devcom advocate! Who would say no to a position as a segment producer in a Catholic radio station? I would not mind travelling to and from their far office just to have that job. That's the dream... (You see, I have simple dreams.)

Those were my two outstanding applications. There are others that I really liked, but these are the ones I would fight in the Hunger Games for. For my application in the radio station, I cancelled two applications in (insert a university here) and (insert its rival university here). Both universities already offered me the job, but I was determined to chase my inner calling.

But if it's for you, no matter where all the twist and turns go, it will eventually lead back to you. Those jobs were not for me... At least for the meantime.

Last December, my bum days finally commenced: I was hired as a Publication Staff for a research and development foundation. In my joy, I heard trumpets and angels descending from heaven (hihi! Joke!). Finally, I get to do contribute something to the world and earn money.

But as you see, this job is far, way far from the calling I originally felt in my heart. Don't get me wrong; this job isn't actually bad at all. In fact, I am quite lucky: the work environment is good, the job is good, the pay is good, the schedule is excellent. But I must admit, everytime I think about that calling, the calling that is way waaaay apart from what I do, I feel kinda sad.

In my last blog, I told you that knowing God more and more is so overwhelming that if you don't tell it to the world, you're gonna burst. And that's exactly how I feel right now; I am about to burst.

I feel that God is constantly asking me to follow Him by responding to the call. But when I finally decide that I'm ready to follow, He holds me back. 

His attraction to my soul increases day after day. Sometimes, I cry and beg Him to show Himself to me, because I ache so much in this longing to be with Him (nuts? See my last blog). Everyday, I feel more and more that there is nothing more important to me than seeing His face (and that's why when I watched Les Mis, I cried myself out. I really long for Him).

I ache so much for Him. I couldn't wait anymore; I have to respond to His call.

But it seems that He attracts me and repels me at the same time. For the meantime, I have to "unfulfill" my inner calling - because I have to be at God's different work - R&D. It's a different ministry I never envisioned for myself, but nonetheless, there is a mission I have yet to accomplish here.

Unfulfilling my inner calling is sad... So sad that it's hard to accept where I ended up after the long chase of following the call. But I am not yet giving up on it; I know that in time, He will ultimately lead me to where I ought to be.

Dear reader, that is why I'm sad. But don't worry, It's a rough patch. I can make it through, because "when I am weak, I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10).

There, I disclosed a very personal story of me and that makes me a little vulnerable. But, finally talking about this makes me feel good somehow. I hope you didn't get bored, I know the blog is too long. Thank you reader. High five!