The staple question.

We never know what the future lies ahead.

I remember when I was young. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is the staple question in school. Every pupil is automatically asked this question.

And each time, I would answer, “To be a teacher!”

That answer was based on my limited knowledge of the occupations people can have. My world basically consisted of home and school. Teachers were the ones I had met firsthand. And to my eyes, they were my heroes.

That staple answer lasted until I was in Grade Four. By then, I got to know my aunt’s job, a CPA. She gets to count money and keep accounts and sit at an office with a computer. That seemed pretty cool to me. And so that year, when I was asked about my ambition, I answered, “To be a CPA.”

However, when I was in Grade Six, I didn’t find numbers interesting. I was bored by Math, and I wasn’t good at organising things. I figured CPA won’t fit in my skills and my interest. By this time, I had watched lawyers on TV who look sharp in their suits, and who hold their heads up high each time they win a case; I‘ve seen judges pound that hammer thing (now I found out it’s called a gavel) — that also looked awesome to me. And so this year, when asked about my ambition, my answer became “To be a lawyer.”

Those were three different ambitions for the first thirteen years of my life. And for the next four years, my ambition would indecisively bounce to various vocations: writer, newscaster, TV reporter, psychologist (I had this notion that psychologists can read minds), dentist, advertiser, and many more.

I really did not know what I wanted to do in life.

But I did know what I was good at — communicating. I had an inkling that my future vocation will be in this field. I delved myself in creative writing, trained to act in theater, and sang in the choir. Not that I have all that talent, I just wanted to try new things. That time I did these things for the fun of it, and not really to pursue a career out of it. I honestly didn’t think too hard about what to do in the long run.

When I filed my college application, I didn’t put much effort into the decision making either. Knowing that communication is my strong suit, I just looked for courses with “Communication” in the title; in my university there are only two. I chose the less famous one.

Like most students, I only got to know my course when I started taking it. My course is more of an advocacy discipline. You use communication for the betterment of the society, mostly to eradicate poverty. This is such a noble purpose, but also a huge feat. It’s an attractive but quite challenging ambition.

By the time I graduated college, people would expect that I already know the answer to the question that kept bugging me all my life. They expect that I had figured it out.

I had not figured it out.

Even today, I am left with the question “What do I want to be?” without a ready answer in mind. I know it should be something that would help my family and the society, and consequently myself, but heck, what is it? Is everyone even required to have a ready-made answer for this?

However, I can safely say that right now, I am content with where I am. Life, in its own little way, lead me where I ought to be. I am twenty-four, and in a private publishing company. I don’t know if others may consider this job “developmental” (the staple question in my course), but to me, it is. Heck, a book with too many errors won’t help a country to progress now, would it?

To be honest, I have no idea if I would stay in this job forever, or if I have another calling to shift vocation. All I know is that my plans (well, my many plans) were different from what actually took place in my life; but in retrospect, I would not have it any other way. I am content with being an editor for now, for this is the job where I feel God can use me to a specific purpose. This job may not make me rich (yet), but with this I can offer something to my family and keep a little to myself, and that’s about enough for now. There even have been numerous, compelling setbacks that make me want to quit this job, but for mystical reasons, I still choose to stay.

I’m not saying that you should imitate me and leave your plans to the universe. Goals are what keeps us going; they are our compass. But I guess I stopped seeing myself boxed in a future that I think is best for me, only to find out later that I shall go another way. With a scatterbrain like me, possibilities are vast.

But I believe the future can only get better.

Thus, it exhausts me to come up with a rigid answer to the question of ambition. If society requires me to have a concrete answer, then consider me a deviant. To me, what matters now is that I love what I do and people benefit from it. My plans for the next few years shall be for its enrichment. Like Lily said in How I Met Your Mother: “You can’t design your life like a building. It doesn’t work that way. You just have to live it, and it’ll design itself.”

Who knows what the future holds?

I will update you when the answer changes, but as of this writing, my answer to “What is your ambition?” is “See, I have lived my life trying to answer that, and I am tired figuring it out. We never know what the future lies ahead, but I can say it looks great. Now may I please get back to my paperwork?”

My utmost thanks.

My two months of sick leave officially end this week.

Bummer!

I have to admit I've been longing to put myself out there again and get things back to normal. I'd tell my lungs to heal faster so I could pick my life up again where it stopped. When I was on vacation, I felt my life paused too. Which is a sucky way to feel considering too many people envy long breaks like this.

It's ironic; now that I'm back to work I kinda miss the idle days again. I want to go back to when I was chilling at home. I guess people are never satisfied. Ooops, not people. Just me.

If you're a friend who's reading this, thanks for all the concern you showed to me when I was sick. I really appreciate it and I owe you one. If you prayed for me, I pray that God will return that blessing to you a hundredfold. Your prayers are probably what kept me going in those days I was healing. So, thank you and I send virtual kisses down your way!

God has been good! Blessings have been bountiful.

I now go to sleep. See you tomorrow.

The Breakup Playlist.

Since it's love month, at least unofficially, let's talk about romance, it's bitter endings. Yeah. I'd like to delve into the emotion of sadness, particularly over a breakup. Here are songs I fancy listening to when I feel that [inevitable] sadness creeping in again. (I know I'm no expert in breakups. But these songs help, really. And no, I don't feel like listening to mellows whenever I'm sad. So Adele's not on this list.)

I Lived, OneRepublic

Best lines: [I] hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad | The only way you can learn is give it all you have | And I hope that you don't suffer, but take the pain

Also: They did this inspirational music video that enhances the song one hundred times.

Try, P!nk

Best lines: Just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die | You gotta get up and try, try, try

Also: The music video is an artistic representation of your emotional struggle.

3 Things, Jason Mraz

Best lines: I go where I know the love is | and let it fill me up inside | Gathering new strength from sorrow | I'm glad to be alive

Also: There isn't an official music video for this song (sad), but you may sing along with this official audio.

Face Down, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Best lines: One day this world's goin' to end | As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Also: I know right! Alternative punk rock for a breakup song, why not? The song about breaking away from an abusive relationship, along with the screamo at the bridge and coda part, is perfect. The music video is here.

One For the Pain, Lifehouse

Best lines: Coz the war is over now, now | Life is back in color now || Walk away from this madness that I crave

Also: For you folks who are having a long-term attachment to something you know you shouldn't. The official audio is here.

Here Comes The Sun, The Beatles

Best lines: Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces | Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here

Also: Just the first few chords of this song are uplifting enough.

Refocus.

It's Valentine's Day again! As Raj of Big Bang Theory said, "What is it about this holiday that makes people so unhappy?"

Yeah, Raj, what?

I notice that in this holiday, not only are couples the ones who are all-mushy and showy in social media... The singles, oddly, are. They are the ones actively filling their social media accounts with motivational quotes such as "pizza is love" and "being single is awesome." Well, I'm not one to judge, it's probably their way of coping with this holiday, and they're probably as sick of these commercial stuff as I am.

Let's not fog our understanding; Valentine's Day is such a beautiful, wonderful celebration of an awesome saint. Valentine, a pious and courageous Christian of the early era, deserves this day of commemoration. Christians all over the world should imitate the strength of his faith, his undying Love of God.

Sadly, the focus has been lost on God, lost on Valentine and his good works, and has settled on chocolates, roses, dates, and all that romantic stuff. Love is a good thing, it is always good, because it comes from God; but romance is different, it's something you can't quite cling on to. It's fleeting. And some of us get bummed out by Vday for the lack of romance in our lives.

Let us refocus this lovely holiday by living out what it really stands for: LOVE. And by this love I mean God's love, the love that radiates to all our other relationships, the love that grows, hurts, waits, perseveres. Let us be happy to know that this love is plenty.

Happy Valentine's Day! God loves you!

St. Valentine, pray for us.

Some things can't be rushed.

I was so resolved to finally resume work last Friday.

I went to the office for an appointment with the company physician, determined to get that fit to work status, to finally get my life back on track. But when he saw me (still looking sickly thin, to my dismay) and checked my findings, he told me that apparently, my disease was in sort of "advanced" stage, and I need another month to rest. I was distraught, to be honest. Another month? I might as well be a monk and head to the mountains since I'll be gone for that long.

I bargained if I can work already when my lab tests get better. But what he said to me finally shut me up: take your time to heal.

I was so eager to get things back to normal, that I may have been rushing myself to heal. Once I felt there was no pain anymore, I hoped that was it: I'll be finally healed soon. But there is healing that takes place unseen by my eyes, the healing happening inside me that I know nothing about. And this kind of healing takes time.

This disease teaches me, among all things, the virtue of patience. I've been so impatient as to want to move the hands of the clock, if only I can; my sickness teaches me to just let this clock tick. It will tick in its own time, not in mine. I can do nothing but wait.

For some things can't be rushed.

I choose me.

For the past two years

I have chosen you.

I chose you against all odds,

I chose you though it hurt.

I may have made the wrong choice.

So this year,

I come across another chance

To choose again.

I have chosen me.

I choose to choose me.

I cannot undo anymore

The two years I chose you

The two years I chose you in vain.

But this year, I do have a choice.

And I choose me.

Still blessed, more than ever.

I'm starting the new year with a BANG! Well, literally.

I'm sick.

But before you type that "Get well soon" comment, before you grab your phone and text me "Anyare sa'yo Mich?" Let me tell you I'm good. I'm doing well. And definitely not gonna die. Grabe ba? Haha!

I'm currently on week 3 of a one-month leave. I keep my fingers crossed, in hopes that my doctor would finally allow me to go to work on February. One month of leave has its perks: rest from exhaustion, needless to say; a well-deserved break after months of working my ass off; lots of time for introspection.

However, it can be a wee bit boring, too. Sometimes I wish I were in the office, so I'd have something to finish instead of just sitting here. Sometimes I wish I had the capability to travel, given the luxury of time I have now. But the doctor says it clearly: I have to rest at home. And so I do.

Some of the things I planned for myself were also revamped because of my untimely sickness. I remember saying I would finally straighten up my academic plans in 2016. I had been putting a pin on it ever since, and unfortunately, that plan has to wait for another while. Also, I planned a trip to Baguio before I got diagnosed. I didn't expect to be on bed rest this long. So nope, that trip's not happening. Bummer.

I realize I haven't told you yet what happened to me. Haha, okay. Last Christmas, I woke up coughing significant amounts of blood (sorry, TMI!). Merry Christmas, 'no? Bloody red, Pasko daw kasi? Haha. I was alarmed. But then it was a holiday, I knew it was not a good time to go to the hospital. So I decided to wait the next day. When I got there a doctor (of internal medicine, not exactly the one I needed) checked up on me, prescribed meds for the bleeding, and suggested I take x-ray and lab tests. It was pretty hard to find a pulmonologist that time, since it was the holiday season and most doctors were on vacation. Tl;dr DON'T get sick during the holidays.

I also noticed my lungs grew weaker in the following days, as if the infection grew exponentially. I felt pain on my left lung. I couldn't properly move, stretch, lie down, and get up. The doctor suggested to have me admitted in the ER immediately (which, in retrospect, was unnecessary). Upon reaching the ER, the doctors there wouldn't admit me because I was still very stable, and that time, I had not talked to a pulmonologist yet. Whew!

Anyway, I was finally able to complete my tests and find a pulmonologist (after new year na, told you they were difficult to find). He was very kind, and still is; he painstakingly explained the condition of my lungs. Apparently the infection had been there for a long time; it had accumulated for months or even years. My lungs were in pretty bad condition, especially the left one, which first had the infection and contracted it to the right lung. I am no radiologist but when I saw my x-ray, I could definitely tell something is wrong. My right lung looks very different from my left lung. The left one also seems to have shrunk in size. Both lungs have fuzzy stuff floating on them (I don't know what they're called, so let's just call them fuzzy stuff, okay?).

This is the disease that killed St. Therese of Lisieux. It is also what killed St. Don Bosco. Well, many saints and famous people in the olden days were killed by this godforsaken disease. If I lived in the nineteenth century, I would have been dead too.

But that's the thing. I live in the twenty-first century, and in this era, this disease is very easily curable. All I need to do is to have some rest, drink my medicines, and avoid close contact with people. That's it! It's not even a painful cure. It's not really that bad. In fact, this is nothing when I compare myself with people who are really sick -- now they are the real survivors. They are the ones we should be praying for.

What do I get out of this sickness now? There are three things I am thankful to God for:

First, modern medicine. Thank God for advancements in medical technology. This disease has killed so notoriously before, it's unfathomable how easily it can be cured now. Doctors are blessings. Medical practitioners are heavensent. Those who work in hospitals are the real unsung heroes.

Thank God for allowing me to have, of all diseases, this one -- one that is within our capability to cure. I do believe this sickness is only for the good; it couldn't have been for anything else, because God is good. He allows it to happen to me so I may learn something from it. If anything, this is a fountain of grace. Omnia in bonum -- Everything is for the good.

And finally, thank God for my life. I know it's quite obvious (even in this blog) that I was in a not-so-happy place the past year. Honestly, I haven't fully recovered from that yet. There are still times when life seems void of meaning. At times, I feel so purposeless.

I guess when you see blood in your mouth, your perspective is bound to change. When you feel physically weak, you become alarmed that you want to cling so dearly to the very life you once rejected -- this one and only life you have. You realize you still want to live it. Your life suddenly becomes not pointless at all.

When your lungs go bad, you become thankful for literally each breath, because you know you could have been dead, but God continues to breathe life into you.

And I am thankful to God for every breath.

---------

"The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4

My Sheerio fandom.

Photo credits: parade.com

Sometimes I don’t get what I see in Ed. I’ve never fangirled this hard before. Ngayon lang to. Pramis.
It’s not even normal for me to blow a huge amount of money on just a night. But because I am such a Sheerio by blood, heart, and soul, my officemate Leah (who is also a Sheerio by blood, heart, and soul) and I went to see him perform live in Manila. Best day ever.

How did my fandom start? It started with the song Everything Has Changed. I really liked that song, though I was familiar only with Taylor. Then one time, someone posted on Facebook about Ed. I was intrigued. Ed Sheeran who? Upon exhaustive research (just kidding, it was just Google), I found out that he was the one in EHS. I downloaded his whole discography…and boy was I in for a treat. One thing led to another and I was hooked! His songs are sort of addictive. I was high on Ed’s songs.

Lego House was the first to catch my attention (I heard it many times before and liked it, but I didn’t know it was him). A-Team, Where We Land, UNI, All of the Stars, Drunk… I cannot possibly enumerate everything. They're a delight! And of course my most favorite of all, Give Me Love. There is something to that song that makes me play it over and over. It probably has an audial drug or earworm of some sort. Seriously, what is up with that song??? As of the moment, I have played it 599 times on my media player (yes folks, I really checked).

Then his latest album was released, X. The songs are even more breathtaking. I’m a Mess, Afire Love, I See Fire, Photograph, I willl stop enumerating now because you should honestly check out everything. I looped almost every song on that album, and I’m not finished yet.

I also started searching his background (not the creepy-stalker type ha, just a typical fangirl), following him on social media, and making his photos or song lyrics my wallpaper (okay, now that I think of it I kinda sound creepy). I find him cute and adorable. I am also mesmerized with the things he says and does. He is really cute, isn’t he?

Last 2014, Leah and I had a deal that if he were coming to Manila, we would definitely watch, no matter how costly. And much to our surprise, he did! Reserving tickets online was the hunger games of reservations. A few hours (or was it minutes?) into after the registration, there were almost no slots available. Boy, the sheerios are really fast, all hell broke loose. Good thing, a small window of opportunity opened: two adjacent seats in the lower box. We reserved it and paid via credit card (thanks Leah!). We even bought sheerio shirts to wear on the concert. It was all set. See you on March 12, Ed!

I remember counting down 67 days before the concert. Every day I waited slowly and patiently, until days 10, 5, 3… either time passed by in a blur or we were just so freakingly busy, or both, but we almost didn’t notice the time was getting near. I was thrilled! OA man sabihin, pero it had been the most blissful countdown of my life. No kidding!

Those 67 days of countdown, the exhausting week, the extra effort we exerted at work in order to render undertime, the long line, and the two hours we had to kill before the concert… All of those troubles disappeared when he stepped on stage.

*melts*
Video screenshot credits: Cherry Mariano

There was no “Hi, hello, good evening Manila!” There was no intro nor any warning. The lights suddenly dimmed out, and there he was, strumming to the chords of I’m a Mess. Nganga!!!

I couldn’t explain the feeling. I know I used to scoff at people who cry seeing their idols at concerts, but now I understand how that felt. When I saw him, I was so awestuck I myself began to cry!!! It was so overwhelming. It was like I was dreaming, but it was oh so real. Ed is an actual person. And he is singing right in front of me. No back-up dancers, no props, no elaborate stage design; just him, his guitar, his loop pedal, and a few digital backdrops. No one else was there, yet his presence was enough.

Leah and I and pretty much everyone yelled so hard, I thought our vocal chords were going to be ripped. And as if that wasn't enough, the crowd also sang along in literally every song. Including the rap parts. Other singers would normally not like that, but Ed was so amazed at the crowd he even sang second voice along with us at the lumiére over me part of Tenerife Sea. That. Was. Just. Magical. Imagine the chills, guys.

I honestly did not want the concert to end. To me, it felt like I was in one very huge jamming session, and in that moment I wanted time to freeze. Almost in a mystical way, the concert was vast and at the same time, intimate. It was paradoxically beautiful. I have never felt something like that before.

I can't tell everything here, for I was so blissful I was almost in a trance; but check out these detailed posts from cool sheerios that pretty much captured what I felt: read here; see photos here and here.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. After his last song, Sing, he left us chanting the coda  "ohhh" part, and we sang it probably for a good three minutes before realizing Ed was not coming back on stage. I yelled "Noooooo!" so hard it was seriously the loudest "no" I have ever said. But of course. Ed was gone; the concert had passed.

Leah and I were high after the concert. After a few days, we were still high on Ed. We kept on looping his songs for weeks. Seriously, that amount of rush and bliss we felt that night was pretty hard to shake off.

I know Ed would come back in Manila, because he said it so. I shall patiently wait for it. 

Thank you, Ed, for making one of the most wonderful nights of my life. Your music runs over and over my head, through my veins and straight to my heart (whatever's left of it, anyway).

And I will see you soon, because when you had us chant that "ohhh" at the end of the night, you know we never stopped. The concert is not over. We are waiting.

Listening again.

I’ve been listening again
to the album I used to listen to
when I fell in love with you.

I’ve been listening again
to this album of a familiar tune
where every song reminds me of you.

These songs were once a happy melody
that kept me awake on sleepless nights,
that touched my heart and so much more,
that soothed my very soul.

Now when I close my eyes
as these songs play on the background
I remember the times you hurt me,
the times I hurt you,
the silly fights we could have let go,
the essential fights we could have not let go,
the times you made me cry,
the times I made you cry,
the times things were complicated,
the times we weren’t happy anymore.

And then this album
becomes a collection of sad songs
and all those happy memories
are replaced with the sad ones.

We could have worked things out
we could have just been honest
we could have cleared out the vagueness
of this confusing whirl we were in.
but we didn’t.

And so I am left
with this lonely line of songs I must endure.

I shall still listen to these songs
though it hurts me to the core;
I hope next time I play them

I won’t miss you anymore.

Isantabi.

May mga araw kung saan ang kalungkutan ay madaling isantabi. Ito ang mga araw na ang isip ng tao ay nakatuon sa sari-saring mga bagay. Sa mga panahong ito ang lungkot ay nakatabi lamang sa sulok, nag-aabang, nagbabadyang magmulto anomang oras.

Ang mga araw na ito ay naiipon: lahat ng panahong hindi ka malungkot o sadyang hindi mo ito pinapansin o ipinahahalata. At ang lahat ng lungkot na naipon, kapag sumabog ay nakakamatay.

Malungkot pala ako. Hindi ko ito napansin gawa ng dami ng pinagkakaabalahan sa araw na 24 oras lang ang laman. Mga pinagkakaabalahang wala akong ideya kung saan patutungo, mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung ikagaganda nga ba ng buhay ko o ng estado ko. Sa mga bagay na ito nalilibang ako ng kaunti. Sa mga bagay na ito panandalian akong nakalilimot sa ‘yo. 

Panandalian, ngunit hindi habambuhay.

Malalim ang sugat na dinulot mo. Hindi sapat ang ilang buwang paglimot ko sa ‘yo. Isag taon na ang nakakalipas, pero parang wala namang nabago. Oo, masakit pa rin hanggang ngayon ang iyong paglayo.

At wala nang mas sasakit pa sa katotohanang hindi ka na babalik.

Kaya ko naman.

Kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka.

Kayang kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
Hindi nga lang masaya.
Pero kaya ko naman.
Pero hindi masaya.
Para lang akong isang bulaklak
Na minalas na tumubo
Sa malilim na dako ng mundo,

Sa ilalim ng mga bato.
Mabubuhay naman ito
Kahit wala ang sikat ng araw
Yun nga lang, hindi ito tatayog

Lalaki itong matamlay,
At yuyuko ito hamambuhay
Gaya ng pagyuko ko
Simula noong araw na nawala ka.

Kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
Kaya ko, hindi nga lang masigla
Pero kaya ko naman.
Pero hindi masigla.
Para lang akong isang bata
Na nalulungkot sa loob ng bahay

Dahil di maubos-ubos ang ulan.

Nakadungaw lang ito sa bintana,

Naghihintay na magliwanag.

Parang ako ang batang ito
Na nabubuhay sa paghiling
Na tumila ang sana ang bagyo —
Ang walang katapusang bagyo —
Noong nawala ka sa buhay ko.

Kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
May buhay pa rin ako, pero walang halaga
Pero may buhay pa rin.
Wala nga lang halaga.
Para lang akong kung sino man siya
Na bumubungad sa akin
Sa harap ng salamin.
Nabubuhay naman siya,
Kumakain, natutulog, pumapasok,

Buhay, pero walang halaga.

At hindi ko siya kilala.

Dahil ang kilala kong siya
Ay yung pagkatao niya
Noong hindi ka pa nawawala sa buhay niya.

Kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
Pero hindi masaya.
Kaya kong wala ka sa araw-araw
Pero walang sigla.
Pero kaya ko namang mawala ka.
Yun nga lang, wala nang halaga.

At kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
Pero habambuhay akong hihiling

Na sana,

Sana,

Sana,

Hindi ka na lang nawala.

I Lived - OneRepublic

In one of the episodes of the series Red Band Society, the main character, Jordi was about to undergo an operation to amputate his leg due to complications of his disease. On that scene we hear this song play on the background -- what a creative use of the lyrics "With every broken bone, I swear I lived."

Such an empowering song.

Check the video (which is even more inspiring) here: http://youtu.be/z0rxydSolwU

I believe in you.

You are again at yet another crossroad of your relationship: the part where you are mad at her and faced with two things — to forgive her and get over it, or to forget her and really get over it.

This crossroad is a tough one, for it predestines what your fate will be for the next couple of days/weeks/months. It determines what your emotional state will be, what your actions will be, and weather you will be alone on Saturday nights. Heck, it would even determine what your meals will be.

You are so used to this cycle you are caught up in. It happens so certain and frequent that a pattern has emerged — you and she become so attached to each other, get mad at something (big or small, it doesn’t matter), not keep in touch for a time, miss each other, keep in touch again, become attached to each other again, and repeat. It’s a vicious cycle that, admit it, honestly eats up all the hell out of you.

It’s a vicious cycle you know you must break. Unfortunately, this cycle is sort of a black hole  — it sucks you right back to it in an inescapable force. It is a real struggle to get out of this whirl. Srsly. How do you even.

It’s hard because at the back of your head, you have this lunatic notion that the cycle will somehow evolve. There is a lingering feeling, no matter how minute, that the situation will change for the better. You think that, maybe this time, things between you and her will be okay.

Simply put, you are still hoping. But dear, I want you to stop hoping. This, I’m afraid to tell, is a vicious cycle so hurtful that no one emerges from it victorious. In this cycle, no one wins. No matter how great things seem to be, no matter how close you think you are to ‘seeing better days with her’, it shall always go back to the cycle it has always been. There’s no escaping this. You and she will always be apart, together, apart again, together again until one or both get tired.

The cycle will not magically evolve. The situation will not change for the better. There is no ‘maybe this time’, there will be no room for another time.

The cycle will not end unless you ruthlessly snap yourself out of it. And how do you do that? It’s an enormous feat, but boy the rewards are glorious. It takes tons of fortitude to even begin to let go of such a love. Many tears will be shed, and it may take a long time to heal, so brace yourself. But the only way to break the cycle is to get out of it, isolate yourself far from it, no matter how painful, no matter how seemingly impossible.

You can do this. You have done this before. You have triumphed over far tougher situations, and this one is no different. It may seem too hard for you, for you are so attached…but you have detached yourself from various people before and you made it. This is no different. It's time to break the cycle. You can do it. I believe in you.

Walang forever?

Walang forever.

Lately I’ve been saying that often. I say it when I see lovers whose sweetness breaks the point of utter saturation; I say it when I hear cheesy lines in stories that are too good to be true; I say it when I see scenes of lovers in movies that are so cringe-worthy they hurt my eyebrows already.

Walang forever. People who hear it from me always tell me how bitter I am. They tend to claim I am humu-hugot (I tried to translate it in english but I realize there is no such term. Oh, the Filipino culture.). They say I am too negative or hopeless. I wish I could agree to them...

When I say walang forever, let it be known to you that it is a lie. Or that I am kidding. Of course I believe in forever. I’ve always believed in forever. It’s been my default setting. I say walang forever a lot, but only for satirical purposes. Just for fun! I know that phrase has been used far and wide these days, but I know not whether people imbibe it in their mindset for real (I hope they don't).

In fact, walang forever is a school of thought one shouldn’t subscribe to. The amount of negativity in this statement is too damn high that there is no room for hope. This phrase seems to flush all possibilities of love (and yes, a happy ending) out the window. Who says love and happy endings don’t exist? And if you do, how long have you been living under a rock?

Perhaps what people got tired of is not love itself, but the overly ideal, unrealistic kind of love that the media has been portraying. Perhaps they got frustrated by the fact that their love stories in real life are not like the ones they see in movies. Or perhaps they just know that in real life, there is pain in love, as opposed to the all-sweet and perfect story that many television shows suggest. It leads them to conclude walang forever in real life.

But as one quote (?) I saw in a social media site says, “Walang forever? Ano ba tingin mo sa lolo at lola natin? Friends with benefits?” Quite sarcastic, pero may point! We may have lost a loved one or had a bad experience in love, but saying walang forever because of that is inconclusive and downright preposterous.

We tend to forget those who have succeeded in love, those who hope in love, and those who continue to love, with all the pain and troubles attached to it. If we have a tally of people who succeeded in love and those who didn’t, I bet the former shall outnumber the latter. Big time. I know it, because I’m a believer of love — not the crappy, nauseating kind we see in movies, but the one that is true, happy, blissful, painful, troublesome, and uncertain. This is the perfect kind of love that no amount of cheesiness in movies can top. This love debunks walang forever. This love is the real forever.

 

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"Whoever fails to love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8

Why would I?

You.

You who treat me never as a priority but only as an option.

You who think of me only in your spare time.

You who would talk to me only when you have no one to talk to.

And you who would, every single time, put me in the bottom of your list.

Why would I settle for you?

Why would I take your love that’s nothing but leftovers for me?

Why would I go for your love that gives me second best?

Why would I be content with your offering that's only half a heart?

Why would I spend my entire time with you, who spends just what’s left of it with me?



When I am worth far more than the dirtbag you make me feel like,

When, despite my imperfections, I deserve to be given due value,

When all you can give me is the faintest kind of love,

Why would I settle for you?

Why the heck would I settle for you?

Ang cycle na papatay sa'yo.

1. I-convince ang sarili na "Magmo-move on na talaga ako, for real this time."

2. Putulin lahat ng means of communication sa kanya.

3. Iwasan siya.

4. Patagalin ng ilang araw, linggo o buwan (kung kaya mo) ang pag-iiwasan.

5. Ma-miss siya.

6. Umabot sa puntong napakasakit na yung pagka-miss mo sa kanya.

7. Dahil 'di ka na makatiis, i-text o chat siya ng "Kumusta? I hope you're doing fine."

8. Dahil magre-reply siya, asahang magiging textmates o chatmates na ulit kayo.

9. Magtantyahan kung kaya pang ibalik ang dating samahan. Kahit "as friends" lang.

10. Dahil okey naman kayo magiging close na kayo ulit "as friends".

11. Masaktan dahil malalamang may nilalandi siyang iba.

12. Umiyak at malungkot buong araw dahil akala mo, okey na okey kayo.

13. I-convince ang sarili na "Magmo-move on na talaga ako, for real this time."

14. Putulin lahat ng means of communication sa kanya.

15. Iwasan siya.

16. Patagalin ng ilang araw, linggo o buwan (kung kaya mo) ang pag-iiwasan.

17. Ma-miss siya.

18. Umabot sa puntong napakasakit na yung pagka-miss mo sa kanya.

19. Dahil 'di ka na makatiis, i-text o chat siya ng simpleng "Kumusta? I hope you're doing fine."

20. Dahil magre-reply siya, asahang magiging textmates o chatmates na ulit kayo.

21. Magtantyahan kung kaya pang ibalik ang dating samahan. Kahit "as friends" lang.

22. Dahil okey magiging close na kayo ulit "as friends".

23. Masaktan dahil malalamang may nilalandi siyang iba.

24. Umiyak at malungkot buong araw dahil akala mo, okey na okey kayo.

25. I-convince ang sarili na "Magmo-move on na talaga ako, for real this time."

Go back to number 1 and repeat until you die.

Inalayan ko ng awit ang isang matanda.

Inalayan ko ng awit ang isang matanda
Linggo ng hapon noon at wala ‘kong magawa
Niyakap niya ako ng ubod ng diin
Sabi’y malaking bagay ang nagawa mo sa’kin.

Inalayan ko ng awit ang isang matanda
Para hindi siya maghapong nakatulala
Kahit nagkagulo-gulo at wala sa tono
Ang saya ni lola ay kitang kita ko.

Inalayan ko ng awit ang isang matanda
Bilang munti lamang na kawanggawa
Akala ko naman ito’y walang epekto
Pero pinasaya ko daw pala kanyang mundo.

Inalayan ko ng awit ang isang matanda
Kahit ang awit ay palasak na sa iba
Payak at kay ikli lang ng awit na dala
Ngunit kahit ito ay makahihilom din pala.

Inalayan ko ng awit ang isang matanda
Ang kapalit ay sobra-sobra namang pagpapala
Dahil noong sinubukan kong dalhin siya kay Kristo

Ako ay dinala niya kay Kristo rin mismo.

Lucky me.

Today I realized something that really made me happy.

I look at my bookshelf and there's really nothing much to see. I have few books.

Thus, most of the books I have read in my life are borrowed from friends.

Oh man, I am friends with the right people.

Dear boss.

Minsan may mga araw na masarap lang umabsent at magsabi ng mga dahilang pawang guni-guni lang.

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Dear boss, di po ako makakapasok
Mainit sa labas, may threat ng heatstroke
Three hours lang po ang tulog ko
At di pa ako naggugupit ng kuko.

Dear boss, ngayon po absent ako
Makati po kasi ang lalamunan ko
May dumaang itim na pusa sa harap ko
Mahirap na eh, baka malasin po ako.

Dear boss, di ako papasok mamaya
Ang klima po kasi today di kaaya-aya
May ermitanyo pang kumatok sa bahay ko
Sabi magugunaw na daw po ang mundo.

Dear boss, wala po ako sa work today
Traffic daw po kasi diyan sa highway
Di rin po ako nakapagpainit ng tubig
Ayoko namang maligo nang sobrang lamig.

Dear boss, sana po intindihin nyo
Di naman po sa tinatamad ako
Nabasa nyo naman ang mga rason ko

At next week pramis papasok na ako.

Love will find a way.

“Love will find a way.”

I heard it this morning in a song. In fact we hear this so many times in so many songs. And yes, I do believe in this cliche.

I believe that love is always a verb rather than a noun; that if we love a person, there must always be a corresponding action that will show that love. Thus, if you say you love me but treat me like a dirtbag, then I’d have a hundred reasons to doubt that love.

Love finds a way. Do take note that it is ‘love’ that finds the way, not the universe, not fate, not your friend, not everyone else. It’s all up to you, how great your love is for that person. If you love her or him, you will find a way. The universe will not find a way and magically bring you to the one you love, as if it owes it to us. Because really, it doesn’t.

Love translates to action all the time. A parent who works 24/7 to send his son to college, a mother who does all the chores, a friend who does a favor way too inconvenient for himself… These are all love in action. Even if they don’t say it, their actions do all the talking. And this is the best kind of love, way better than any euphoric love you can possibly experience. This is the kind of love that actually finds a way.

Okay, I know you’ve heard all this before, but sometimes we tend to forget. And so let me find a way for you to remember. :)