It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye.
The Call, Regina Spektor
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Glenda.
You came and passed by quite swiftly,
Leaving everything in a mess.
But here's one thing you probably missed:
You left my heart in such distress.
Your winds and rain swept humble homes,
Our toughness were tried and tested.
But when you left, I looked within:
My heart is just as wretched.
I wish you took the rains with you
The storm that is inside of me.
For when the calm finally came,
My heart still storms unceasingly.
There is a rain that never ends,
This great deluge I fight within.
Take me with you, and then leave me
Where all of the sunshine has been.
Leaving everything in a mess.
But here's one thing you probably missed:
You left my heart in such distress.
Your winds and rain swept humble homes,
Our toughness were tried and tested.
But when you left, I looked within:
My heart is just as wretched.
I wish you took the rains with you
The storm that is inside of me.
For when the calm finally came,
My heart still storms unceasingly.
There is a rain that never ends,
This great deluge I fight within.
Take me with you, and then leave me
Where all of the sunshine has been.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?
If what you said is true, that you will never leave me in my time of tribulation, then where are you at this moment when I need you the most? You assured me that you will never forsake me, but in these lowest points of my life, I long for your presence but I find you nowhere. I continually hold on to your promise that we will face this together, but so far, I feel like it has been just me all along. Where are you? I cannot feel you. Where are you when I need you the most?
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
A TFIOS reference.
I thought the college fling that I had was my ten.
But now I realize, that was only a nine.
THIS is the ten.
But now I realize, that was only a nine.
THIS is the ten.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Just nothing.
Forgive me for posting about nothing.
Because I am so afraid to write these days. If I write, I am gonna cry. Like what I have been going through these past few weeks.
I am such an emotional wreck, but I do hope I'm going to survive this.
Yes, I AM going to survive this. I just need time.
Prayers. I need your prayers.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. Psalm 34:18
Because I am so afraid to write these days. If I write, I am gonna cry. Like what I have been going through these past few weeks.
I am such an emotional wreck, but I do hope I'm going to survive this.
Yes, I AM going to survive this. I just need time.
Prayers. I need your prayers.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. Psalm 34:18
Friday, June 27, 2014
Red and Black.
Some snippets of "Red and Black" that totally capture my thoughts:
"The time is near, so near it's stirring the blood in (my) veins."
"A ghost you say, a ghost maybe
(He) was just like a ghost to me.
One minute there, and (he) was gone."
"Red, a world about to dawn.
Black, the night that ends at last."
"Had you seen (him) today, you might know how it feels
To be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight.
Had you been there, you might also have known
How the world may be changed in just one burst of light,
And what was right seems wrong, and what was wrong seems right."
"Red, I feel my soul on fire.
Black, my world if (he)'s not there.
Red, the color of desire.
Black, the color of despair."
"But now there is a higher call. Who cares about (my) lonely soul?
We strive towards a greater goal.
Our little lives don't count at all."
"The time is near, so near it's stirring the blood in (my) veins."
"A ghost you say, a ghost maybe
(He) was just like a ghost to me.
One minute there, and (he) was gone."
"Red, a world about to dawn.
Black, the night that ends at last."
"Had you seen (him) today, you might know how it feels
To be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight.
Had you been there, you might also have known
How the world may be changed in just one burst of light,
And what was right seems wrong, and what was wrong seems right."
"Red, I feel my soul on fire.
Black, my world if (he)'s not there.
Red, the color of desire.
Black, the color of despair."
"But now there is a higher call. Who cares about (my) lonely soul?
We strive towards a greater goal.
Our little lives don't count at all."
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
A mirror.
"People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person that brings you to your attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soulmate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so out of control that you have to transform your life."
-- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Eloquently said, and true in so many levels.
Monday, June 2, 2014
An outpour of blessings.
Sometimes, we become blessings to people even without our knowledge.
A few days ago, I was told by someone that I am a blessing. Wow. Big words. That made my day big time. However, I could not possibly fathom how I became a blessing, given that I am as wretched and empty myself.
This is a big deal for me, for being somebody's blessing is a blessing in itself! This is how the grace of God works -- it blesses the giver as well as the receiver. God's love so radiates in His people that this blessing multiplies a hundredfold, and multiplies some more...
For God's goodness illuminates all heaven and earth; it is impossible to shun this light. Therefore, we carry in us a ray of this light, no matter how little and unworthy we think of ourselves.
Thus, being a blessing to someone humbles me to the core. I go to work and do my daily activities, with nothing so extraordinary, and yet, within this ordinariness, God is able to draw out the extraordinary. He is able to touch people by my presence, but I am not to be credited for that at all. This is all God's work! All inspiration comes from Him. And I am merely the instrument.
Truly, when we open our eyes to all God's blessings, we realize that it literally everywhere. When we open our eyes to seek God's face, we will find Him so abundantly, even in the most unexpected people in our lives.
___________________
PS. Little does he know that he is the blessing to me. He thinks I have blessed him, but there is another side of the coin he doesn't see -- that I am the one who is blessed a hundredfold by him. :)
A few days ago, I was told by someone that I am a blessing. Wow. Big words. That made my day big time. However, I could not possibly fathom how I became a blessing, given that I am as wretched and empty myself.
This is a big deal for me, for being somebody's blessing is a blessing in itself! This is how the grace of God works -- it blesses the giver as well as the receiver. God's love so radiates in His people that this blessing multiplies a hundredfold, and multiplies some more...
For God's goodness illuminates all heaven and earth; it is impossible to shun this light. Therefore, we carry in us a ray of this light, no matter how little and unworthy we think of ourselves.
Thus, being a blessing to someone humbles me to the core. I go to work and do my daily activities, with nothing so extraordinary, and yet, within this ordinariness, God is able to draw out the extraordinary. He is able to touch people by my presence, but I am not to be credited for that at all. This is all God's work! All inspiration comes from Him. And I am merely the instrument.
Truly, when we open our eyes to all God's blessings, we realize that it literally everywhere. When we open our eyes to seek God's face, we will find Him so abundantly, even in the most unexpected people in our lives.
___________________
PS. Little does he know that he is the blessing to me. He thinks I have blessed him, but there is another side of the coin he doesn't see -- that I am the one who is blessed a hundredfold by him. :)
Where we land.
Tell me your secrets,
give me a friend.
Let all the good times flood in.
Do I love you?
Do I hate you?
I can’t make up my mind.
So let’s freefall
and see where we land.
(Ed Sheeran, Where We Land)
give me a friend.
Let all the good times flood in.
Do I love you?
Do I hate you?
I can’t make up my mind.
So let’s freefall
and see where we land.
(Ed Sheeran, Where We Land)
Monday, May 12, 2014
Predation in the valley.
In the vast world, there is a valley which one must avoid. The moment one gets drawn into this valley, or rather, dragged hard into this abyss, the first thing he ought to so do is to get out of it immediately.
This valley is home to both the predators and preys of the world. The predators, with their resounding pride and prowess, roam around the valley like it is theirs. They know the valley's beaten paths as well as its smooth roads; they know every inch of its vastness, probably due to their lengthy, overdue stay. With one look, they can discern the preys from their fellow predators. They are the knowledgeable ones, the experts, the sagacious players.
Then there are the preys, the newcomers in the valley. They have come from places of different sorts, and, seeing the greenest pastures in this mysterious valley, wished to have a glimpse of what's inside. They eagerly found their way in, for the road is easy and very enticing. But alas! In their arrival, they begin to get lost. They wonder: Why is the inside quite different from what they expected? How did their high hopes about the valley lead to disappointments? They are prey to the predators' sharp canine.
Both the predator and prey roam around the valley, though they walk in different paces -- the predators swift and sharp, the preys careful and shaky. Soon the predators would cross paths with the preys, and thus marks the beginning of a harrowing journey these poor preys have to go through.
This valley bears witness to a vicious cycle of predation in this land. There is continous bloodshed, with the preys bleeding to death for the predators' sake. The preys are sacrificial lambs, nourishment to the predators as well as to the unmerciful soil.
This is the reality about life in this valley -- it corrupts the innocent in order to satisfy the masters. And yet, almost magically, the preys choose to remain. What is with this valley, that the preys altruistically stay, even at the expense of themselves? I wonder.
And I wonder hard about this because hard as it is to admit, I think I might be the mentioned prey.
This valley is home to both the predators and preys of the world. The predators, with their resounding pride and prowess, roam around the valley like it is theirs. They know the valley's beaten paths as well as its smooth roads; they know every inch of its vastness, probably due to their lengthy, overdue stay. With one look, they can discern the preys from their fellow predators. They are the knowledgeable ones, the experts, the sagacious players.
Then there are the preys, the newcomers in the valley. They have come from places of different sorts, and, seeing the greenest pastures in this mysterious valley, wished to have a glimpse of what's inside. They eagerly found their way in, for the road is easy and very enticing. But alas! In their arrival, they begin to get lost. They wonder: Why is the inside quite different from what they expected? How did their high hopes about the valley lead to disappointments? They are prey to the predators' sharp canine.
Both the predator and prey roam around the valley, though they walk in different paces -- the predators swift and sharp, the preys careful and shaky. Soon the predators would cross paths with the preys, and thus marks the beginning of a harrowing journey these poor preys have to go through.
This valley bears witness to a vicious cycle of predation in this land. There is continous bloodshed, with the preys bleeding to death for the predators' sake. The preys are sacrificial lambs, nourishment to the predators as well as to the unmerciful soil.
This is the reality about life in this valley -- it corrupts the innocent in order to satisfy the masters. And yet, almost magically, the preys choose to remain. What is with this valley, that the preys altruistically stay, even at the expense of themselves? I wonder.
And I wonder hard about this because hard as it is to admit, I think I might be the mentioned prey.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Sun and moon.
As the sun continually chases the moon,
so do I continually chase after you.
And as the moon continually flees from the sun,
so do you continually flee from me.
so do I continually chase after you.
And as the moon continually flees from the sun,
so do you continually flee from me.
Monday, May 5, 2014
On sunrise and happy mornings.
I am not a morning person. Most days, I consider getting out of bed one of the toughtest things to do.
But in the province, I had no choice but to wake up early, since everyone gets up early too. And then I thought to myself, how I wish I were a morning person. Because the sunrise is... simply amazing.
Mornings are beautiful. It's as if in the cool breeze mixed by the sun's heat, God's voice resounds.
Top: Sunrise by lola's bedroom (Agkawayan, Occidental Mindoro)
Bottom: Sunrise by the boat (Calatagan, Batangas)
From the rising of the sun to its setting,
let the name of the Lord be praised. Psalm 113:3
But in the province, I had no choice but to wake up early, since everyone gets up early too. And then I thought to myself, how I wish I were a morning person. Because the sunrise is... simply amazing.
Mornings are beautiful. It's as if in the cool breeze mixed by the sun's heat, God's voice resounds.
Top: Sunrise by lola's bedroom (Agkawayan, Occidental Mindoro)
Bottom: Sunrise by the boat (Calatagan, Batangas)
From the rising of the sun to its setting,
let the name of the Lord be praised. Psalm 113:3
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Transience Day 5: Bon voyage again.
Day 5. Just as I come here with mixed feelings, I leave this place with mixed feelings too.
I feel genuinely happy for the opportunity to do these things here in the province:
1. Visit Lola's grave for the first time
2. See Lolo's grave set up beside Lola's, and get touched by it
3. Enjoy my grandparents' home
4. Eat literally everything bawal -- lobsters, bagoong, pusit, fishes... seafoods that cause me allergies
5. Bond with my cousin, titos, and titas
6. Set my foot to places I've never been to
7. Feel the gush of ocean air and rub sand in between my toes
8. Look for stones (panghilod) and shells by the seashore
9. Have an unplanned, fun visita iglesia (after Easter. hahah!)
10. Reflect, enjoy, mourn, pray.
And I feel sad too, because it's time for me to go back to the real world, where there are work, stress, problems, disappointments, failures...
But of course, I know I can't be in "vacation mode" forever. And as I go back, I get to enjoy again the internet, the television, the tubig Nawasa (oh yessssssss, how I long for tubig Nawasa), the office (I frequently think about what they are doing in the office while I am away), and the company of my family and friends.
I will miss you, Agkawayan. I will miss this home. I will miss the dishes. I will miss the sea. I will miss the people. And I will miss this roof.
Bon voyage.
I feel genuinely happy for the opportunity to do these things here in the province:
1. Visit Lola's grave for the first time
2. See Lolo's grave set up beside Lola's, and get touched by it
3. Enjoy my grandparents' home
4. Eat literally everything bawal -- lobsters, bagoong, pusit, fishes... seafoods that cause me allergies
5. Bond with my cousin, titos, and titas
6. Set my foot to places I've never been to
7. Feel the gush of ocean air and rub sand in between my toes
8. Look for stones (panghilod) and shells by the seashore
9. Have an unplanned, fun visita iglesia (after Easter. hahah!)
10. Reflect, enjoy, mourn, pray.
And I feel sad too, because it's time for me to go back to the real world, where there are work, stress, problems, disappointments, failures...
But of course, I know I can't be in "vacation mode" forever. And as I go back, I get to enjoy again the internet, the television, the tubig Nawasa (oh yessssssss, how I long for tubig Nawasa), the office (I frequently think about what they are doing in the office while I am away), and the company of my family and friends.
I will miss you, Agkawayan. I will miss this home. I will miss the dishes. I will miss the sea. I will miss the people. And I will miss this roof.
Bon voyage.
Transience Day 4: Dora the Explorer.
(The text is written in Mindoro. The photos are recently added for this blog.)
Day 4. I am dead tired! Today, we traveled to different neighboring towns of Agkawayan -- Looc and Lubang. In the morning, we went to a small chapel dedicated to the Black Nazarene for morning prayers. I find it amazing that the townfolks, particularly the elders, regularly pray together in the morning. People in the city would be all too busy to keep up with that kind of morning schedule. Also, they usually say a looooong series of prayers -- Rosary, Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and prayers that are probably Lauds, but I'm not sure because they are said in deep Filipino. Prayer life is very much alive in this town. In my heart, I envy them for that.
We had quick breakfast and headed to Looc via sidecar. I thought the trip would be for only a few minutes. I never thought Looc is so far from here! We were in the sidecar for, in my estimate, around thirty minutes (think about it, there is no traffic in the province. So thirty minutes is really pretty far.) That distance is, by golly, unbearable if one were to journey it by foot. And yet, Mama told me that they used to walk from Agkawayan to Looc whenever it was town fiesta. Wow.
Looc looks pretty much like Agkawayan. Tonight, I found out that Agkawayan is actually part of Looc; the Looc that we visited this morning is just the town proper. Kaya naman pala. Hehe. After my tita bought a really huuuuuuge fish (shame I forgot to ask what kind of fish that is), we went to the nearby church, Raphael the Archangel Parish. It is a very simple church, with a simple altar and a few benches. There are banderitas outside, so I guess the feast day is near or has already passed. Even if it is such a simple church, I can sense that the churchgoers really do frequent it.
Then we went to the municipal hall of Looc. My titas wonder if the building has been developed over the years. They were not wrong; the hall's structure is beautiful and attractive to tourists. The arrangement of the community never changed, though. It is still the traditional Plaza Complex.
In our stroll in the roads of Looc, we ran into Fr. Anthony, the priest who presided Lolo's burial rites. It was truly eventful -- he invited us to Lubang, and even offered us a ride! My mom and titas couldn't say no, because it has been a long time since they've been to Lubang. So upon going home, we had a quick lunch, bath, and preparations. In the afternoon, Fr. Anthony finally arrived to get us. I felt like I was Dora the Explorer but minus the backpack.
If Looc was far, then Lubang is double the distance. The ride was harrowing and wonderful at the same time. My nose gathered all the road dust it could possibly get (several roads are not concrete, so you could literally eat some dust). Haha! But no matter how dusty it was, I still couldn't help but stare at the surrounding. It was virgin, beautiful, and magnificent. There were trees, mountains, cliffs that are freakishly sloped, seashores, fields of all sorts of crops, cows, carabaos, birds, and people. Even if it was a challenge to keep my eyes on the road, I managed to do it, all in the name of sightseeing. Lol.
(No pictures available during the ride. I was so busy covering my nose. lol.)
Our first stop in Lubang was Stella Maris Parish. The church was built in 2003, so you cold see that the structure is still new. The altar is so majestic and glorious. It is also pretty huge, like a regular church here in Manila (all other churches we visited were small). Then we stopped by another church not far from Stella Maris, the San Isidro Labrador Parish in Tagbac. It is much simpler than the former, and with fewer benches than Stella Maris.
Lastly, we stopped by Protacio Beach Resort in Lubang. Fr. Anthony knows the owners/keepers of the resort, so we were granted free pass! Although the ocean was stunningly beautiful, we couldn't stay for too long. But I did take a few magnificent photos.
I come home with a sweet smile on my lips. Mindoro is a stunner, very rich in resources! I wish it would be a major tourist spot. It deserves to be one. :)
Day 4. I am dead tired! Today, we traveled to different neighboring towns of Agkawayan -- Looc and Lubang. In the morning, we went to a small chapel dedicated to the Black Nazarene for morning prayers. I find it amazing that the townfolks, particularly the elders, regularly pray together in the morning. People in the city would be all too busy to keep up with that kind of morning schedule. Also, they usually say a looooong series of prayers -- Rosary, Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and prayers that are probably Lauds, but I'm not sure because they are said in deep Filipino. Prayer life is very much alive in this town. In my heart, I envy them for that.
We had quick breakfast and headed to Looc via sidecar. I thought the trip would be for only a few minutes. I never thought Looc is so far from here! We were in the sidecar for, in my estimate, around thirty minutes (think about it, there is no traffic in the province. So thirty minutes is really pretty far.) That distance is, by golly, unbearable if one were to journey it by foot. And yet, Mama told me that they used to walk from Agkawayan to Looc whenever it was town fiesta. Wow.
 |
| The road to Looc is pretty bumpy and dusty, but the view is breathtaking. |
Then we went to the municipal hall of Looc. My titas wonder if the building has been developed over the years. They were not wrong; the hall's structure is beautiful and attractive to tourists. The arrangement of the community never changed, though. It is still the traditional Plaza Complex.
 |
| This is the view from the hall's 2nd floor. |
 |
| This, too. |
If Looc was far, then Lubang is double the distance. The ride was harrowing and wonderful at the same time. My nose gathered all the road dust it could possibly get (several roads are not concrete, so you could literally eat some dust). Haha! But no matter how dusty it was, I still couldn't help but stare at the surrounding. It was virgin, beautiful, and magnificent. There were trees, mountains, cliffs that are freakishly sloped, seashores, fields of all sorts of crops, cows, carabaos, birds, and people. Even if it was a challenge to keep my eyes on the road, I managed to do it, all in the name of sightseeing. Lol.
(No pictures available during the ride. I was so busy covering my nose. lol.)
Our first stop in Lubang was Stella Maris Parish. The church was built in 2003, so you cold see that the structure is still new. The altar is so majestic and glorious. It is also pretty huge, like a regular church here in Manila (all other churches we visited were small). Then we stopped by another church not far from Stella Maris, the San Isidro Labrador Parish in Tagbac. It is much simpler than the former, and with fewer benches than Stella Maris.
 |
| That choirloft made me miss singing in the Mass. |
 |
| I love the stained glass windows. |
 |
| Happy fiesta! |
Lastly, we stopped by Protacio Beach Resort in Lubang. Fr. Anthony knows the owners/keepers of the resort, so we were granted free pass! Although the ocean was stunningly beautiful, we couldn't stay for too long. But I did take a few magnificent photos.
 |
| I just wanna be on the beaaaaach |
 |
| Thank you, Fr. Anthony! :D |
I come home with a sweet smile on my lips. Mindoro is a stunner, very rich in resources! I wish it would be a major tourist spot. It deserves to be one. :)
Thank you, Lord, for the chance to see and appreciate your works!
Taste and see the goodness of the Lord. (Psalm 34:8)
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Transience Day 3: Beyond the grave.
Day 3. A few hours ago was my lolo's burial. Like all other burials, it was such a sad scene. I felt like crying but I managed not to; aside from not bringing any hanky with me, I wanted to assist my mom, titos, and titas, who were the ones crying. I was also able to visit lola's grave for the first time, and that made me pretty glad and a little teary-eyed. Hers and lolo's grave were placed side-by-side, so that they could be together until the very end -- what could be sweeter than that?
Admittedly, I feel a little envious of lolo and lola -- by God's grace, they are probably together now in heaven, their love for God and each other even stronger and eternal than I could possibly fathom. I feel envious of how they found each other, while I haven't found mine yet (if he does exist). Where is this guy, and what is taking him so long? And if he does exist, do we spend eternity together? (Heck, do we even spend our lives together?)
I do hope and pray that lolo and lola are both sharing God's glory in eternity right now. If that is so, then that is a very strong reason to believe in true love -- one that transcends beyond the grave. What joy it is to be with the one you love in heaven! In that case, forever is no longer a lie; there is no deceit, no pain, no third parties; just plain and pure love. There is no other thing left to do but to love. Most of all, you spend eternity with the source of Love Himself, from whom all love's bliss springs. What could be sweeter than that?
I also hope that, if I embrace the vocation of married life, both my love and I would spend our lives together, die together, and see each other in the Happy Place, just like lolo and lola. I hope that while on earth, we sail with each other towards God, so that in the end, we would share the same fate of being with Him. What could be sweeter that that?
But first things first. I have to meet him yet. Haha!
St. Valentine, pray for us.
Admittedly, I feel a little envious of lolo and lola -- by God's grace, they are probably together now in heaven, their love for God and each other even stronger and eternal than I could possibly fathom. I feel envious of how they found each other, while I haven't found mine yet (if he does exist). Where is this guy, and what is taking him so long? And if he does exist, do we spend eternity together? (Heck, do we even spend our lives together?)
I do hope and pray that lolo and lola are both sharing God's glory in eternity right now. If that is so, then that is a very strong reason to believe in true love -- one that transcends beyond the grave. What joy it is to be with the one you love in heaven! In that case, forever is no longer a lie; there is no deceit, no pain, no third parties; just plain and pure love. There is no other thing left to do but to love. Most of all, you spend eternity with the source of Love Himself, from whom all love's bliss springs. What could be sweeter than that?
I also hope that, if I embrace the vocation of married life, both my love and I would spend our lives together, die together, and see each other in the Happy Place, just like lolo and lola. I hope that while on earth, we sail with each other towards God, so that in the end, we would share the same fate of being with Him. What could be sweeter that that?
But first things first. I have to meet him yet. Haha!
St. Valentine, pray for us.
Transience Day 2: Resisting change.
Day 2. They say that Agkawayan (my mom's hometown) had changed a lot over the years.
But for me, it never changed.
When my mom was young, there was no electricity. My mom used gasera as a source of light, a de-uling flat iron to iron their clothes, and an abaniko fan to cool themselves and shoo the mosquitoes away. Water was taken from the deep well, so it was a very precious and scarce commodity. Everything was pretty simple, yet they never complained.
Today, electricity runs twenty-four hours in the entire barangay. The road is concrete and almost every inch of it is lighted with street lamps. The seashore is also "developed" -- it has a concrete pathway through which people would walk (I don't like it; I prefer to walk in the sand. But I do like the cottage and benches they built around the shore). Although there is hardly an internet connection, there is already one cellphone network signal, so it's not pretty bad. The only thing that never changed is the water system, but I don't think Nawasa will be able to reach an island like this.
There are lots of changes indeed. But the way I see it, this is still the Agkawayan that I visited and left ten years ago.
The townfolks are, as have always been, cheerful and kind to us. Some of them even remember who I am, although I do not remember them anymore. I find that really sweet and thoughtful. Think about it, it has been ten years and they still recognize me. At the same time, I feel so crappy for my memory gap.
While there have been a few newly-built houses and renovated ones, most houses never changed. When I look at the houses, especially at my grandparents', it was a familiar look. The church looked the same. The parish priest is even the same! He never left. (I thought dioceses have some sort of rotation of assignments, but maybe it's not the case for all.) The ocean also didn't change. What is even more surprising is that the forests are the same, hardly denuded by the people. Amazing.
The town changed, but it remained the same. This is already a different generation, but the culture and tradition of Agkawayan is pretty hard to change. And I wish it would never change. I wish to go back here two, five, ten years later, and still have this familiar feel that I am home.
But for me, it never changed.
When my mom was young, there was no electricity. My mom used gasera as a source of light, a de-uling flat iron to iron their clothes, and an abaniko fan to cool themselves and shoo the mosquitoes away. Water was taken from the deep well, so it was a very precious and scarce commodity. Everything was pretty simple, yet they never complained.
Today, electricity runs twenty-four hours in the entire barangay. The road is concrete and almost every inch of it is lighted with street lamps. The seashore is also "developed" -- it has a concrete pathway through which people would walk (I don't like it; I prefer to walk in the sand. But I do like the cottage and benches they built around the shore). Although there is hardly an internet connection, there is already one cellphone network signal, so it's not pretty bad. The only thing that never changed is the water system, but I don't think Nawasa will be able to reach an island like this.
There are lots of changes indeed. But the way I see it, this is still the Agkawayan that I visited and left ten years ago.
The townfolks are, as have always been, cheerful and kind to us. Some of them even remember who I am, although I do not remember them anymore. I find that really sweet and thoughtful. Think about it, it has been ten years and they still recognize me. At the same time, I feel so crappy for my memory gap.
While there have been a few newly-built houses and renovated ones, most houses never changed. When I look at the houses, especially at my grandparents', it was a familiar look. The church looked the same. The parish priest is even the same! He never left. (I thought dioceses have some sort of rotation of assignments, but maybe it's not the case for all.) The ocean also didn't change. What is even more surprising is that the forests are the same, hardly denuded by the people. Amazing.
The town changed, but it remained the same. This is already a different generation, but the culture and tradition of Agkawayan is pretty hard to change. And I wish it would never change. I wish to go back here two, five, ten years later, and still have this familiar feel that I am home.
Transience Day 1: Bon voyage.
(This series of entries is written while I was at my grandparents' home in Occidental Mindoro. I wrote this sitting by the window; there was ample time and the perfect atmosphere to get my writer on.)
04-22-14, 9:08 PM
Day 1. I am currently at my grandparents' house in Occidental Mindoro for my lolo's funeral. It has been ten years since I went here; thus, everything I see and feel seems new to me.
This trip causes me mixed emotions: I am happy, sad, and peaceful. Although sadness is the current 'feel' of the air right now (because I am at a funeral), there is, oddly, a little streak of happiness I feel. Each time I look at the empty tomba-tomba, papag, and salakot, I feel sad thinking of the owners of those things, who passed away already. But there is a great consolation knowing that, by God's mercy, lolo and lola are together now in heaven.
I try my best to look at the house and think only about the good memories my grandparents left. I happily think about lolo's bike and how he used to lend it to me as a kid. I lie on the papag and imagine lola by my side. I imagine them roam around the house; I imagine our warm breakfasts together; I imagine them call me and my cousins, sometimes mixing up our names. What a blessed child I am, growing up with such good grandparents.
And lastly, I feel extremely peaceful; being away from the city noise is an effective breather for the soul. I am woken up by the cackling of chickens, and that sound soothes my ears; I smell burnt rice in the ulingan, and it soothes me to the bone. I have no cellphone signal, nor internet and television, but strangely, it doesn't bother me that much. Life in the province is simplicity at its best.
I look forward to the days that will follow. I will surely savor every minute of my stay here.
04-22-14, 9:08 PM
Day 1. I am currently at my grandparents' house in Occidental Mindoro for my lolo's funeral. It has been ten years since I went here; thus, everything I see and feel seems new to me.
This trip causes me mixed emotions: I am happy, sad, and peaceful. Although sadness is the current 'feel' of the air right now (because I am at a funeral), there is, oddly, a little streak of happiness I feel. Each time I look at the empty tomba-tomba, papag, and salakot, I feel sad thinking of the owners of those things, who passed away already. But there is a great consolation knowing that, by God's mercy, lolo and lola are together now in heaven.
I try my best to look at the house and think only about the good memories my grandparents left. I happily think about lolo's bike and how he used to lend it to me as a kid. I lie on the papag and imagine lola by my side. I imagine them roam around the house; I imagine our warm breakfasts together; I imagine them call me and my cousins, sometimes mixing up our names. What a blessed child I am, growing up with such good grandparents.
And lastly, I feel extremely peaceful; being away from the city noise is an effective breather for the soul. I am woken up by the cackling of chickens, and that sound soothes my ears; I smell burnt rice in the ulingan, and it soothes me to the bone. I have no cellphone signal, nor internet and television, but strangely, it doesn't bother me that much. Life in the province is simplicity at its best.
I look forward to the days that will follow. I will surely savor every minute of my stay here.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Que sera, sera.
I need to run away for a while because, while I struggled to remain impenetrable, you effortlessly crumbled the walls I built around me, making me weaker than ever. I needed a break from all the hustle because I have been permeated by you so severely, and it's driving me crazy. There is somewhere I must be, and I choose to go there freely; while I will, for sure, ache missing you so badly, I hope against hope that it will be for the best.
Seeped deeply in my attachment to you, I have lost myself, and in my absence from the world I hope to find myself again. There is a part of me that longed for this attachment, but in my efforts to keep it, it began to be so exhausting. A bigger part of me always knew how futile this is from the very beginning, but my other half so stubbornly denies it. What's the solution to this chaos? To walk away and think, and rethink, and rethink... and hopefully to set things straight.
Distancing myself for a while is a big risk to take -- I might lose you altogether in the process. But there's nothing else I can do but to leave everything in fate's hands. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. Goodbye, my dear. Whatever will be, will be.
Seeped deeply in my attachment to you, I have lost myself, and in my absence from the world I hope to find myself again. There is a part of me that longed for this attachment, but in my efforts to keep it, it began to be so exhausting. A bigger part of me always knew how futile this is from the very beginning, but my other half so stubbornly denies it. What's the solution to this chaos? To walk away and think, and rethink, and rethink... and hopefully to set things straight.
Distancing myself for a while is a big risk to take -- I might lose you altogether in the process. But there's nothing else I can do but to leave everything in fate's hands. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. Goodbye, my dear. Whatever will be, will be.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Dear subconscious.
My subconscious is a ticking bomb; if I keep ignoring it, it would burst.
So once and for all, I decide to pay attention to my subconscious mind tonight. In fact, I am writing it a letter! (Yes, I need to pay *this much* attention to this jerk called my subconscious. It has bugged me for too long. Believe me, this is not the craziest thing that that has happened to me today.)
______
Dear Subconscious,
Would you please slow down? I know things are happening at a fast pace, and your emotions are at a heightened state, but...
Oh, what the nerve. I can't do anything about you. You are one part of the brain I cannot control. It's as if you are a completely different entity, a brain different from my own. I'm not even sure if I know you. Do you have a repository of the things my conscious mind has forgotten? Do you contain everything that matters to me in my consciousness, or do you contain things of far higher essence? Do you know me better than my conscious mind does? Do you even make sense?
You invade my dreams -- no, you generate them. My dreams are there because of you. And for that, I am thankful for how active you are in my mind. You are that one little voice inside of me that tells me to let go, regardless of the rules I so rigidly have to follow in my world.
Today, you went beyond my dreams and into my reality, and I didn't like that. I cannot entertain you when I am sane. You have no business with my reality! You capture me when I'm lucid, asleep, or in deep thought; but I can't let you boss me around when I'm awake. During those times, my conscious mind is at work. But today, you and my conscious mind somehow went rogue and got mixed up (something like that, idk). NOT COOL, DUDE. Very not cool.
It's as if you and the conscious mind are at war in my head -- you telling me what I want, while the other telling me not to want it. Is there a breakeven point in this, where both you and the conscious mind are moderately regulated? Why should you always be at war? Deep inside, it aches like hell.
Dear mind, I am sorry if you are startled with the things I am going through right now. This is quite overwhelming for me too; I hope you just let me enjoy this emotion for as long as it's there. I am patiently waiting for the day it would fade away (and I know it will, because emotions are fleeting), but for now, will you allow me to just... "feel" it? Would you mind if for tonight, and for the following days, I would let myself go and, you know, think of these things and people that affect me? I am helplessly falling for this. If I keep suppressing it, the subconscious might rally itself out of my dreams and into my reality again (just like what it did today). I know it sounds crazy but... just this once, can I let go?
Today, after what happened, I realized that there is probably no way to deal with this emotion other than to actually feel it. For weeks/months (I'm not even sure how long), I've been keeping it to myself. I haven't allowed myself to completely feel it, because I was afraid it might breed to something worse (to be honest, I'm not sure what I am afraid of. I am. just. afraid.) But keeping it inside...consumes me like fire on a dried leaf. I can't do this anymore. I have to have an out! After all, it's called emotion for a reason. It's meant to be felt! I believe that if God allowed me to feel it, then it must be for something good. It burst out of the subconscious because I kept suppressing it; my mind and heart are too small to contain such an intense emotion. To suppress it might give me a heart attack or, worse, affect other people around me. Feeling it and enjoying it might actually be the healthier option.
But other than feeling it, there is nothing else I can do. So dear subconscious, while I am giving in on thinking of you, I cannot, in practice, follow you altogether -- then my conscious mind would rally itself... and I cannot imagine how chaotic that would be. You do not rule me, dear subconscious. For now, you are just very strong, that fighting you makes my knees turn to jelly. There will come a time when I would be able to overcome you again. Because this is what self-mastery is all about: with the grace of God, perfect moderation and control of one's emotions, intellect, and will -- the three faculties of the soul.
Hang in there, little buddy. You need to follow me and you will, because I am your boss. :)
So once and for all, I decide to pay attention to my subconscious mind tonight. In fact, I am writing it a letter! (Yes, I need to pay *this much* attention to this jerk called my subconscious. It has bugged me for too long. Believe me, this is not the craziest thing that that has happened to me today.)
______
Dear Subconscious,
Would you please slow down? I know things are happening at a fast pace, and your emotions are at a heightened state, but...
Oh, what the nerve. I can't do anything about you. You are one part of the brain I cannot control. It's as if you are a completely different entity, a brain different from my own. I'm not even sure if I know you. Do you have a repository of the things my conscious mind has forgotten? Do you contain everything that matters to me in my consciousness, or do you contain things of far higher essence? Do you know me better than my conscious mind does? Do you even make sense?
You invade my dreams -- no, you generate them. My dreams are there because of you. And for that, I am thankful for how active you are in my mind. You are that one little voice inside of me that tells me to let go, regardless of the rules I so rigidly have to follow in my world.
Today, you went beyond my dreams and into my reality, and I didn't like that. I cannot entertain you when I am sane. You have no business with my reality! You capture me when I'm lucid, asleep, or in deep thought; but I can't let you boss me around when I'm awake. During those times, my conscious mind is at work. But today, you and my conscious mind somehow went rogue and got mixed up (something like that, idk). NOT COOL, DUDE. Very not cool.
It's as if you and the conscious mind are at war in my head -- you telling me what I want, while the other telling me not to want it. Is there a breakeven point in this, where both you and the conscious mind are moderately regulated? Why should you always be at war? Deep inside, it aches like hell.
Dear mind, I am sorry if you are startled with the things I am going through right now. This is quite overwhelming for me too; I hope you just let me enjoy this emotion for as long as it's there. I am patiently waiting for the day it would fade away (and I know it will, because emotions are fleeting), but for now, will you allow me to just... "feel" it? Would you mind if for tonight, and for the following days, I would let myself go and, you know, think of these things and people that affect me? I am helplessly falling for this. If I keep suppressing it, the subconscious might rally itself out of my dreams and into my reality again (just like what it did today). I know it sounds crazy but... just this once, can I let go?
Today, after what happened, I realized that there is probably no way to deal with this emotion other than to actually feel it. For weeks/months (I'm not even sure how long), I've been keeping it to myself. I haven't allowed myself to completely feel it, because I was afraid it might breed to something worse (to be honest, I'm not sure what I am afraid of. I am. just. afraid.) But keeping it inside...consumes me like fire on a dried leaf. I can't do this anymore. I have to have an out! After all, it's called emotion for a reason. It's meant to be felt! I believe that if God allowed me to feel it, then it must be for something good. It burst out of the subconscious because I kept suppressing it; my mind and heart are too small to contain such an intense emotion. To suppress it might give me a heart attack or, worse, affect other people around me. Feeling it and enjoying it might actually be the healthier option.
But other than feeling it, there is nothing else I can do. So dear subconscious, while I am giving in on thinking of you, I cannot, in practice, follow you altogether -- then my conscious mind would rally itself... and I cannot imagine how chaotic that would be. You do not rule me, dear subconscious. For now, you are just very strong, that fighting you makes my knees turn to jelly. There will come a time when I would be able to overcome you again. Because this is what self-mastery is all about: with the grace of God, perfect moderation and control of one's emotions, intellect, and will -- the three faculties of the soul.
Hang in there, little buddy. You need to follow me and you will, because I am your boss. :)
Saturday, April 5, 2014
I will miss you, Yellow Umbrella.
HIMYM fans will relate. Warning: Major spoilers ahead. (*salute* MAJOR spoilers)
[This is neither a HIMYM finale review nor a critique of the entire show. This is just a hodge podge of my reactions and a sort-of farewell post to the second American series I ever loved (the first was The Big Bang Theory)].
It's been four days since I watched How I Met Your Mother season finale. I am writing this blog because (a) yes, I am that huge of a fan, and (b) I want to finally bury this to the grave. Quite frankly, that ending can be pretty hard to take.
I've been eagerly anticipating the finale since March. I already predicted that I would cry when I watch it, and in fact, I did -- multiple times, for that matter. HIMYM never fails to bring the "feels" out of me. Right to the very end.
But never have I been so so SOOOO disappointed in an ending of a TV series as much as I am with HIMYM. Everything that I didn't want to happen, well, happened.
I didn't want Tracy to die. I thought the writers were just messing with our heads with that heartbreaking scene in Time Travelers. And to think that she died off-cam, with barely an explanation how... makes me feel cheated on. I fell in love with Tracy in the last season. She is quite the charmer. She is the girl to die for. She is worth the wait! I lament over what happened to her, because it seems to me that her demise is not given enough justice. It's very crappy of HIMYM.
I also did not want Ted and Robin to end up. For pete's sake! I know that Robin is Ted's one great love, and Ted is Robin's (though I'm not so sure), but isn't this what usually happens in real life -- we don't usually end up with our one great love? Because ending up with them would be too good to be true. And usually, someone far more deserving than our one great love will come our way, and we shall realize they are worth the wait.
So I am not a fan of Ted-Robin. I am rooting for Barney-Robin. I saw how both of them grew in each other's company, especially Barney. Robin actually changed Barney. This is a very powerful kind of love -- the one that could cause someone's change of heart. And then HIMYM ruined it for me by having them divorced (BTW, divorce is against my moral convictions) in -- get this -- first fifteen minutes of the episode. Are you kidding me? One entire reason revolved around their wedding, only to get divorced 15 minutes into the finale? Are you kidding me?! And seriously, are you kidding me?!
I got tired of Ted-Robin because Ted kept re-returning; most of his efforts (no matter how romantic) seemed futile to me. At the back of my mind, I always knew they are not gonna end up together; in fact, isn't it the basic premise of the show? No matter how hard Ted has been hung up on Robin, the universe will conspire to get him his perfect girl... And this girl shall be the perfect one for him. But no, they just. could. not. get. over. Robin.
I have no violent reactions about Marshall and Lily; for once, they left a couple with a happy ending. But what happened to everyone else is a mess. I was both happy and sad for Barney because, while he finally found the love of his life, he had totally no affections for the girl he got pregnant (aptly aliased as Number 31). I cannot for the life of me imagine how that kind of set-up would work. The child will grow to a family where his dad and mom have a glaring animosity? If that's the case, then I pity her.
This ending is far from what I hoped for, but nonetheless, I do not regret watching HIMYM, because its good moments tremendously outnumber the crappy ones. I will always remember the slap bet, the pineapple incident (we never found out what happened), Barney's different kinds of high five, the Intervention banner, Ted's romantic gestures... to mention a few.
Most of all, I will miss the gang, and this feeling that they are my close friends too. I shall miss all the lessons I learned from the show. I will miss their failures, especially of Ted -- he's the one I can relate to very much. I will definitely miss waiting eagerly for every episode and patiently downloading it. HIMYM leaves a hole in my heart that no show can ever possibly fill (drama, no? meheheheh).
I will miss you, Yellow Umbrella. And I prefer you over the Blue French Horn, forever and ever.
[This is neither a HIMYM finale review nor a critique of the entire show. This is just a hodge podge of my reactions and a sort-of farewell post to the second American series I ever loved (the first was The Big Bang Theory)].
It's been four days since I watched How I Met Your Mother season finale. I am writing this blog because (a) yes, I am that huge of a fan, and (b) I want to finally bury this to the grave. Quite frankly, that ending can be pretty hard to take.
I've been eagerly anticipating the finale since March. I already predicted that I would cry when I watch it, and in fact, I did -- multiple times, for that matter. HIMYM never fails to bring the "feels" out of me. Right to the very end.
But never have I been so so SOOOO disappointed in an ending of a TV series as much as I am with HIMYM. Everything that I didn't want to happen, well, happened.
I didn't want Tracy to die. I thought the writers were just messing with our heads with that heartbreaking scene in Time Travelers. And to think that she died off-cam, with barely an explanation how... makes me feel cheated on. I fell in love with Tracy in the last season. She is quite the charmer. She is the girl to die for. She is worth the wait! I lament over what happened to her, because it seems to me that her demise is not given enough justice. It's very crappy of HIMYM.
I also did not want Ted and Robin to end up. For pete's sake! I know that Robin is Ted's one great love, and Ted is Robin's (though I'm not so sure), but isn't this what usually happens in real life -- we don't usually end up with our one great love? Because ending up with them would be too good to be true. And usually, someone far more deserving than our one great love will come our way, and we shall realize they are worth the wait.
So I am not a fan of Ted-Robin. I am rooting for Barney-Robin. I saw how both of them grew in each other's company, especially Barney. Robin actually changed Barney. This is a very powerful kind of love -- the one that could cause someone's change of heart. And then HIMYM ruined it for me by having them divorced (BTW, divorce is against my moral convictions) in -- get this -- first fifteen minutes of the episode. Are you kidding me? One entire reason revolved around their wedding, only to get divorced 15 minutes into the finale? Are you kidding me?! And seriously, are you kidding me?!
I got tired of Ted-Robin because Ted kept re-returning; most of his efforts (no matter how romantic) seemed futile to me. At the back of my mind, I always knew they are not gonna end up together; in fact, isn't it the basic premise of the show? No matter how hard Ted has been hung up on Robin, the universe will conspire to get him his perfect girl... And this girl shall be the perfect one for him. But no, they just. could. not. get. over. Robin.
I have no violent reactions about Marshall and Lily; for once, they left a couple with a happy ending. But what happened to everyone else is a mess. I was both happy and sad for Barney because, while he finally found the love of his life, he had totally no affections for the girl he got pregnant (aptly aliased as Number 31). I cannot for the life of me imagine how that kind of set-up would work. The child will grow to a family where his dad and mom have a glaring animosity? If that's the case, then I pity her.
This ending is far from what I hoped for, but nonetheless, I do not regret watching HIMYM, because its good moments tremendously outnumber the crappy ones. I will always remember the slap bet, the pineapple incident (we never found out what happened), Barney's different kinds of high five, the Intervention banner, Ted's romantic gestures... to mention a few.
Most of all, I will miss the gang, and this feeling that they are my close friends too. I shall miss all the lessons I learned from the show. I will miss their failures, especially of Ted -- he's the one I can relate to very much. I will definitely miss waiting eagerly for every episode and patiently downloading it. HIMYM leaves a hole in my heart that no show can ever possibly fill (drama, no? meheheheh).
I will miss you, Yellow Umbrella. And I prefer you over the Blue French Horn, forever and ever.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Time machine.
Noong high school ako, akala ko ang tamang marrying age ay 23. Akala ko sobrang tanda mo na kapag kinasal ka at 27.
Mahilig akong sumulat ng mga kwento dati. Sa isang kwentong isinulat ko, 23 yung girl noong nagpakasal sa isang arranged marriage. Tapos feeling ko ang tanda tanda na niya. Lels.
Pero ngayon, 23 na ako at single pa since birth. (Anyare te? Hahahaha)
Isa lang ito sa mga gusto kong sabihin sa 15-year-old me. It's a shame that time is linear and uni-directional. Kung pwede lang, gusto ko sanang ibalik ang oras para kausapin si high school Michelle Ann Sulit. I want to set her straight. Para i-correct ang misconceptions niya sa buhay.
Gusto ko siyang tawanan, kutusan, pagalitan, damayan, at sabihan ng mga sumusunod:
-- Dear Michelle, akala mo 'you've got everything figured out' at 23. Akala mo, pag nakatapos ka ng pag-aaral, fulfilled ka na. Mali ka! Hahahaha.
Dadating yung time sa buhay mo na pagka-graduate mo, tatanungin mo ang sarili mo: San na ko pupunta? Kasi wala kang idea... Hahaha... Quarter-life crisis ang tawag don. Mararanasan mo yun, te.
-- Akala mo sobrang busy mo na? Hintayin mo pag nag-college ka. Lalo na pag nagtrabaho ka. Marami kang busy moments, kekwestyunin mo kung bakit 24 hours lang ang ginawa ng Diyos sa isang araw.
Pero dahil sa kawalan mo ng oras, mago-grow ka. Matututo ka ng time management. Matututo kang i-bend ang time and space para magawa mo ang mga dapat mong gawin! Kaya mo yan, te. Magagawa mo silang lahat. Gagabayan ka ng Diyos.
-- Nakakatawa ka nung na-"in love" ka. Paiyak-iyak ka pa. Sabi mo pa "Forever na ata akong ganito." Mga kyeme mo! Sarap mong kurutin!!!
Napaka-naive mo. Pero hindi naman sa pinagsisisihan ko na nangyari sayo (sa atin) yon. Syempre, kung hindi nangyari sayo yun, hindi ka nag-grow. Kaya steady ka lang dyan, 'te. Wag magmadaling tumanda, hokey?
Ipagpapasalamat mo na single ka throughout high school and college. Eight years in the future, you will realize how rich your life had become, because you didn't have anyone to hold you back. Madami kang na-experience at friendhips na na-develop, mga bagay na hindi mo siguro mae-experience kung naging kayo ni *insert guy here*, dahil kung naging kayo, sa kanya iikot ang mundo mo.
--While we're on the subject of romantic love, gusto ko ring malaman mo na hindi totoo ang mga napapanood at nababasa mo sa media. Hindi totoo yung love at first sight. Hindi laging may magic. Hindi totoo yung scene na "This guy walks across the room and you just know, he's the one." ULUL HAHAHA. Hindi rin makatotohanan yung mga kwentong madalas mong napapanood: Hindi magical ang first kiss (Sabi nila ha. Di ko pa naco-confirm e! LOL); Hindi laging masaya ang mga mag-asawa; Hindi porket nagkatuluyan na sila e happy ever after na. Malayo sa katotohanan lahat ng yun. Superficial! In short, binobola ka lang ng media sa distorted portrayal nito ng love. Dahil ang tunay na pag-ibig ay masakit. Masakit, pero masaya.
-- Lagi kang nagwo-wonder kung anong ibig sabihin ng First Commandment. Pano nga naman yun, e hindi naman ganun katindi ang relationship nyo ni Lord? Ok lang yan. Masyado ka pang distracted ng ibang mga bagay.
Pero dadating ka sa point ng buhay mo na tatawagin ka ng Diyos. Mae-experience mo yun in the most bizarre times and at the most unexpected places. Mararanasan mo din yung joy at bliss ng pag-respond sa tawag ng Diyos, yung perks, at yung hirap. Unti-unti kang malulunod sa pagmamahal ng Diyos hanggang sa di mo na ma-identify ang sarili mo apart from Him. Tapos malalaman mo na ang purpose mo, at may idea ka na kahit pano kung san ka papunta sa buhay mo. Masaya yun! Pero akala mo banal ka na pagkatapos nun? Madami ka pang bigas na kakainin at panalanging dadasalin.
--Minsan, nami-miss kita. Nami-miss ko yung zeal at excitement mo sa buhay. Nakaka-miss yung oras na ineenjoy mo lang ang bawat araw na high school ka. Kung ngayon, gusto mo nang tumanda at malaman agad kung ano mangyayari sa'yo ten years from now, ten years in the future, hihilingin mo na sana pwedeng balikan yung high school life mo. Ang ironic ng buhay 'no? Gusto mong mag-fast forward, pero pag nakarating ka na dun, gusto mo namang mag-rewind.
--Wag kang magsasawa ha? Minsan kasi, mafi-feel mong parang nakakatamad nang mabuhay. Minsan mafi-feel mong stagnant ka na. Di mo na alam kung san ka pupunta, Sa ganitong pagkakataon, bumalik ka lang sa purpose mo. Isipin mo lang lagi kung Sino ang pine-please mo at kung para Kanino ang lahat ng ito.
___________________________
Sabi nga ni Marshall kay Lily sa How I Met Your Mother, "Your best and most exciting days are all ahead of you." And true enough, they were yet to experience the best life has to offer. Ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa high school self ko. Nakakamiss talaga si high school Michelle Ann, pero isa na siyang character mula sa past; hindi na siya babalik. Di bale, mananatili naman yung memories. At yung mga natutunan ko sa kanya, lagi kong aalalahanin. :)
Mahilig akong sumulat ng mga kwento dati. Sa isang kwentong isinulat ko, 23 yung girl noong nagpakasal sa isang arranged marriage. Tapos feeling ko ang tanda tanda na niya. Lels.
Pero ngayon, 23 na ako at single pa since birth. (Anyare te? Hahahaha)
Isa lang ito sa mga gusto kong sabihin sa 15-year-old me. It's a shame that time is linear and uni-directional. Kung pwede lang, gusto ko sanang ibalik ang oras para kausapin si high school Michelle Ann Sulit. I want to set her straight. Para i-correct ang misconceptions niya sa buhay.
Gusto ko siyang tawanan, kutusan, pagalitan, damayan, at sabihan ng mga sumusunod:
-- Dear Michelle, akala mo 'you've got everything figured out' at 23. Akala mo, pag nakatapos ka ng pag-aaral, fulfilled ka na. Mali ka! Hahahaha.
Dadating yung time sa buhay mo na pagka-graduate mo, tatanungin mo ang sarili mo: San na ko pupunta? Kasi wala kang idea... Hahaha... Quarter-life crisis ang tawag don. Mararanasan mo yun, te.
-- Akala mo sobrang busy mo na? Hintayin mo pag nag-college ka. Lalo na pag nagtrabaho ka. Marami kang busy moments, kekwestyunin mo kung bakit 24 hours lang ang ginawa ng Diyos sa isang araw.
Pero dahil sa kawalan mo ng oras, mago-grow ka. Matututo ka ng time management. Matututo kang i-bend ang time and space para magawa mo ang mga dapat mong gawin! Kaya mo yan, te. Magagawa mo silang lahat. Gagabayan ka ng Diyos.
-- Nakakatawa ka nung na-"in love" ka. Paiyak-iyak ka pa. Sabi mo pa "Forever na ata akong ganito." Mga kyeme mo! Sarap mong kurutin!!!
Napaka-naive mo. Pero hindi naman sa pinagsisisihan ko na nangyari sayo (sa atin) yon. Syempre, kung hindi nangyari sayo yun, hindi ka nag-grow. Kaya steady ka lang dyan, 'te. Wag magmadaling tumanda, hokey?
Ipagpapasalamat mo na single ka throughout high school and college. Eight years in the future, you will realize how rich your life had become, because you didn't have anyone to hold you back. Madami kang na-experience at friendhips na na-develop, mga bagay na hindi mo siguro mae-experience kung naging kayo ni *insert guy here*, dahil kung naging kayo, sa kanya iikot ang mundo mo.
--While we're on the subject of romantic love, gusto ko ring malaman mo na hindi totoo ang mga napapanood at nababasa mo sa media. Hindi totoo yung love at first sight. Hindi laging may magic. Hindi totoo yung scene na "This guy walks across the room and you just know, he's the one." ULUL HAHAHA. Hindi rin makatotohanan yung mga kwentong madalas mong napapanood: Hindi magical ang first kiss (Sabi nila ha. Di ko pa naco-confirm e! LOL); Hindi laging masaya ang mga mag-asawa; Hindi porket nagkatuluyan na sila e happy ever after na. Malayo sa katotohanan lahat ng yun. Superficial! In short, binobola ka lang ng media sa distorted portrayal nito ng love. Dahil ang tunay na pag-ibig ay masakit. Masakit, pero masaya.
-- Lagi kang nagwo-wonder kung anong ibig sabihin ng First Commandment. Pano nga naman yun, e hindi naman ganun katindi ang relationship nyo ni Lord? Ok lang yan. Masyado ka pang distracted ng ibang mga bagay.
Pero dadating ka sa point ng buhay mo na tatawagin ka ng Diyos. Mae-experience mo yun in the most bizarre times and at the most unexpected places. Mararanasan mo din yung joy at bliss ng pag-respond sa tawag ng Diyos, yung perks, at yung hirap. Unti-unti kang malulunod sa pagmamahal ng Diyos hanggang sa di mo na ma-identify ang sarili mo apart from Him. Tapos malalaman mo na ang purpose mo, at may idea ka na kahit pano kung san ka papunta sa buhay mo. Masaya yun! Pero akala mo banal ka na pagkatapos nun? Madami ka pang bigas na kakainin at panalanging dadasalin.
--Minsan, nami-miss kita. Nami-miss ko yung zeal at excitement mo sa buhay. Nakaka-miss yung oras na ineenjoy mo lang ang bawat araw na high school ka. Kung ngayon, gusto mo nang tumanda at malaman agad kung ano mangyayari sa'yo ten years from now, ten years in the future, hihilingin mo na sana pwedeng balikan yung high school life mo. Ang ironic ng buhay 'no? Gusto mong mag-fast forward, pero pag nakarating ka na dun, gusto mo namang mag-rewind.
--Wag kang magsasawa ha? Minsan kasi, mafi-feel mong parang nakakatamad nang mabuhay. Minsan mafi-feel mong stagnant ka na. Di mo na alam kung san ka pupunta, Sa ganitong pagkakataon, bumalik ka lang sa purpose mo. Isipin mo lang lagi kung Sino ang pine-please mo at kung para Kanino ang lahat ng ito.
___________________________
Sabi nga ni Marshall kay Lily sa How I Met Your Mother, "Your best and most exciting days are all ahead of you." And true enough, they were yet to experience the best life has to offer. Ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa high school self ko. Nakakamiss talaga si high school Michelle Ann, pero isa na siyang character mula sa past; hindi na siya babalik. Di bale, mananatili naman yung memories. At yung mga natutunan ko sa kanya, lagi kong aalalahanin. :)
Sunday, March 23, 2014
The culture of hustle.
We live in a culture of speed and hustle, and to be honest, it's killing me.
Ours is a culture when everything is available in an instant; no one wants to wait. Everyone moves swiftly... Everything is fast-paced, things must occur as soon as possible.
My typical day is this: Wake up in a rush. Prepare for work in a rush. Walk quickly. Take the LRT and utility van (that seem pretty much like the Hunger Games of public transport). Do my paperwork as quickly as possible (any longer, the papers would pile themselves up on my desk). Get home as fast as I can. And then...aaah, thank God I have a home. Because if I didn't, I would lose my sanity.
Then repeat the cycle the next day.
I take part in this culture of hustle and embrace its perks, but at times, I long to distance myself from the rush of the world. In solitary moments, I would loathe how I am part of this culture. I would hate how I rush every morning, how I keep up with the hundreds of thousands of people who commute every day, how I walk/run (yes, run; If I could fly I would) to beat my 8am schedule. I dread the fact that I have to walk quickly (because most people walk in that pace too), and how I hate the fact that I cannot walk idly. If you walk idly, (a) you might be late, and/or (b) you might get robbed. Do I sound so panicky? I'm a little girl in a vast and busy city.
I know it's the nature of my job, but sometimes, I hate being so deadline-driven. I dread the fact that time always seems to be our enemy; I hate it when it's as if we have to rush all the time. I imagine that we are always on a race; if you don't keep up, you're gonna get trampled upon. We might as well become robots.
It's quite hard to find solitude in the midst of a busy state where I am, let alone find time for God. God is best found in silence; His voice is heard in pitches inaudible to the human ear. Only the heart hears God, but when the heart is bugged by the world's noise, it can really be quite hard to hear Him.
I cannot possibly change this entire culture. I believe that for the meantime, my calling is to be here, and I don't intend to distance myself from the world.
There is nothing left to do but just pause from the hustle. And when I pause, God is there.
Everyday remains a challenge for me, and for you too, to try find God everywhere, even in the midst of the world's noisiest place. I want to seek Him in my daily tasks; I want Him by my side as I travel, I want to find Him in the strangest places, in the most unlikely circumstances, where He seems absent. Indeed, there is no place outside God, but our hearts tend to be so calloused, it can be tempting to not acknowledge His presence.
Let us be "with the world" but not "of the world;" let us blend in with the world but not be corrupted by it. For when all things come to an end, all the hustle, the noise, and the distractions shall fade away. Only two shall be present: there will be silence, and there will be God.
Ours is a culture when everything is available in an instant; no one wants to wait. Everyone moves swiftly... Everything is fast-paced, things must occur as soon as possible.
My typical day is this: Wake up in a rush. Prepare for work in a rush. Walk quickly. Take the LRT and utility van (that seem pretty much like the Hunger Games of public transport). Do my paperwork as quickly as possible (any longer, the papers would pile themselves up on my desk). Get home as fast as I can. And then...aaah, thank God I have a home. Because if I didn't, I would lose my sanity.
Then repeat the cycle the next day.
I take part in this culture of hustle and embrace its perks, but at times, I long to distance myself from the rush of the world. In solitary moments, I would loathe how I am part of this culture. I would hate how I rush every morning, how I keep up with the hundreds of thousands of people who commute every day, how I walk/run (yes, run; If I could fly I would) to beat my 8am schedule. I dread the fact that I have to walk quickly (because most people walk in that pace too), and how I hate the fact that I cannot walk idly. If you walk idly, (a) you might be late, and/or (b) you might get robbed. Do I sound so panicky? I'm a little girl in a vast and busy city.
I know it's the nature of my job, but sometimes, I hate being so deadline-driven. I dread the fact that time always seems to be our enemy; I hate it when it's as if we have to rush all the time. I imagine that we are always on a race; if you don't keep up, you're gonna get trampled upon. We might as well become robots.
It's quite hard to find solitude in the midst of a busy state where I am, let alone find time for God. God is best found in silence; His voice is heard in pitches inaudible to the human ear. Only the heart hears God, but when the heart is bugged by the world's noise, it can really be quite hard to hear Him.
I cannot possibly change this entire culture. I believe that for the meantime, my calling is to be here, and I don't intend to distance myself from the world.
There is nothing left to do but just pause from the hustle. And when I pause, God is there.
Everyday remains a challenge for me, and for you too, to try find God everywhere, even in the midst of the world's noisiest place. I want to seek Him in my daily tasks; I want Him by my side as I travel, I want to find Him in the strangest places, in the most unlikely circumstances, where He seems absent. Indeed, there is no place outside God, but our hearts tend to be so calloused, it can be tempting to not acknowledge His presence.
Let us be "with the world" but not "of the world;" let us blend in with the world but not be corrupted by it. For when all things come to an end, all the hustle, the noise, and the distractions shall fade away. Only two shall be present: there will be silence, and there will be God.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Oh, the feels.
There's an onion-cutting ninja near me.
(comic strip grabbed from: http://theunboundedspirit.com/this-comic-about-love-will-touch-your-heart/)
(comic strip grabbed from: http://theunboundedspirit.com/this-comic-about-love-will-touch-your-heart/)
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Araw ng paghilom.
Huwag kang manindim, puso kong nasaktan
Pahirin ang luha, mga sugat ay takpan
Manahimik lamang, mga labi'y itikom
Malapit na, malapit na ang paghilom
Pahirin ang luha, mga sugat ay takpan
Manahimik lamang, mga labi'y itikom
Malapit na, malapit na ang paghilom
Monday, March 3, 2014
A little bit of redemption.
I'm in the quest of granting my soul a little bit of redemption.
Lately, I've been focused on so many things -- my work, personal concerns, financial difficulties, new people coming into [and soon going out of] my life... that I wasn't able to make room for my soul and her well-being.
I've been stressed with so much work to do. I somehow forgot what all of this is about.
For a while, I forgot that this is all for the Lord. I took away the Lord in the picture, and not long after, everything seemed pointless.
Indeed, if one does work apart from God, he gets lost in the way. If he fails to acknowledge God in his everyday toil, he loses sight of his purpose...and all the toil becomes pointless.
Thus, the reason I've been so stressed lately. I've been asking myself "What's the point in all of this?"
And honestly, it's been so tiring.
It's so hard to run away from God, because all this time, deep in my heart I know that resistance to Him is futile.
Lent is about to come. And I wish to come back from the dead.
Kailan magwawakas ang 'yong pagtatago?
Ako'y naghihintay sa'yo.
Lumapit ka lamang, ang puso Ko'y hagkan,
Pag-ibig Ko'y walang hanggan.
-- Pag-ibig Ko, Hangad
Lately, I've been focused on so many things -- my work, personal concerns, financial difficulties, new people coming into [and soon going out of] my life... that I wasn't able to make room for my soul and her well-being.
I've been stressed with so much work to do. I somehow forgot what all of this is about.
For a while, I forgot that this is all for the Lord. I took away the Lord in the picture, and not long after, everything seemed pointless.
Indeed, if one does work apart from God, he gets lost in the way. If he fails to acknowledge God in his everyday toil, he loses sight of his purpose...and all the toil becomes pointless.
Thus, the reason I've been so stressed lately. I've been asking myself "What's the point in all of this?"
And honestly, it's been so tiring.
It's so hard to run away from God, because all this time, deep in my heart I know that resistance to Him is futile.
Lent is about to come. And I wish to come back from the dead.
Kailan magwawakas ang 'yong pagtatago?
Ako'y naghihintay sa'yo.
Lumapit ka lamang, ang puso Ko'y hagkan,
Pag-ibig Ko'y walang hanggan.
-- Pag-ibig Ko, Hangad
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Sugar rush.
This post is way waaaaay too late, but yeah. :P
Last year, on Valentine's Day, I decided to do something different.
Since it was my first time to spend Valentine's Day with a (sort of) stable job, I gave myself a little treat. I bought a meal at Jollibee (walang basagan ng trip), went to Roxas Boulevard Baywalk, sat there quietly, and watched the sunset all by myself.
Spending Vday at Baywalk, as it turned out, is the worst idea ever. My dear friends: don't. you. ever. dare. spend. Valentine's day at Roxas Boulevard. It's such a hassle. There are so many people, it's so noisy, and the place is full of trash. It's like a concert but no one was singing; and any time a stampede might occur.
Anyway, Vday this year came and went like a breeze. A week before Vday, I was brewing some plans.... in vain. Those plans were sabotaged by the tons of papers we editors had to work on (it would seem that our schedule hates Valentines day).
But this busy-ness was also a blessing in disguise for me; while I was working, I was not bothered by the hype of Valentines day; neither was I forced to join the bandwagon of finding a date and/or lamenting because I didn't manage to find any. While everyone else talked about cupid, hearts, chocolates and flowers in the media and everywhere, all I focused on were the papers I was editing, because I didn't take my eyes off them. It was tiring, for Valentine's sake! But I believe it was providential.
There was a consolation to my exhaustion on Valentine's Day. We had a potluck of sweets in our department in the office. There were cake, pancit, pizza, siopao bread (or whatever it's called. It's delicious.), ice cream, lots of biscuits, and a chocolate fondue! (Yes, you may sing Love is an Open Door now.) Sugar rush! Literal sugar rush!!! It was my little blot of happiness in my otherwise busy and tiring day.
It may not amount to the happiness most people try to find on Valentine's Day, but to me, this is more than enough.
Thank you, dear Lord. You never fail to make me realize that I am always loved.
"Every day may not be so good, but there's always something good in every day."
Last year, on Valentine's Day, I decided to do something different.
Since it was my first time to spend Valentine's Day with a (sort of) stable job, I gave myself a little treat. I bought a meal at Jollibee (walang basagan ng trip), went to Roxas Boulevard Baywalk, sat there quietly, and watched the sunset all by myself.
Spending Vday at Baywalk, as it turned out, is the worst idea ever. My dear friends: don't. you. ever. dare. spend. Valentine's day at Roxas Boulevard. It's such a hassle. There are so many people, it's so noisy, and the place is full of trash. It's like a concert but no one was singing; and any time a stampede might occur.
Anyway, Vday this year came and went like a breeze. A week before Vday, I was brewing some plans.... in vain. Those plans were sabotaged by the tons of papers we editors had to work on (it would seem that our schedule hates Valentines day).
But this busy-ness was also a blessing in disguise for me; while I was working, I was not bothered by the hype of Valentines day; neither was I forced to join the bandwagon of finding a date and/or lamenting because I didn't manage to find any. While everyone else talked about cupid, hearts, chocolates and flowers in the media and everywhere, all I focused on were the papers I was editing, because I didn't take my eyes off them. It was tiring, for Valentine's sake! But I believe it was providential.
There was a consolation to my exhaustion on Valentine's Day. We had a potluck of sweets in our department in the office. There were cake, pancit, pizza, siopao bread (or whatever it's called. It's delicious.), ice cream, lots of biscuits, and a chocolate fondue! (Yes, you may sing Love is an Open Door now.) Sugar rush! Literal sugar rush!!! It was my little blot of happiness in my otherwise busy and tiring day.
It may not amount to the happiness most people try to find on Valentine's Day, but to me, this is more than enough.
Thank you, dear Lord. You never fail to make me realize that I am always loved.
"Every day may not be so good, but there's always something good in every day."
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Right place, right time.
I am a believer of serendipity.
Three days ago, I ran into an old friend at (of all places) Cash and Carry Mall here in Makati. We've been friends since freshman college, but as many college friends do, we stopped keeping in touch after graduation. We passed by each other at the grocery. Good thing she greeted me first, because I wasn't really looking around. I was thrilled!
These 'coincidences' are really nuts. Had I passed by ten seconds too early, I wouldn't be able to meet her again. Had she not looked in my direction, she wouldn't have seen me, and God knows when the two of us would cross paths again. But the timing seems to be well-orchestrated, it is almost surreal. Seriously, what are the odds?
This is one of the many reasons why I truly believe in serendipity. I love hearing about serendipitous events. It amazes me knowing a guy and a girl meet in a serendipitous manner, only to find out that they are meant for each other this whole time. It is enthralling to have lost a family, relative, or friend, and find him/her again in the strangest setting. These stories are like those seen in movies or teleseryes, but a hundredfold better because they are real.
In another parallel universe where this person arrives at a certain place one minute late, or stops to look at his or her watch, his or her life becomes totally different, because he/she does not meet that other person. But luckily, we don't have to worry about that parallel universe, because this universe we are living in is the most amazing arranger of serendipitous events.
Serendipity is a proof of how God works in our lives. Ours is an active God who arranges things so wisely and perfectly, that you would prefer not to have it any other way. It thrills me to think that God, knowing our plans and actions, sets one thing after another, to lead us where we exactly ought to be. Serendipity shows us that the Lord sees not only the big picture, but even the minutest things; and with love, He concerns Himself with arranging these details for our own good. He uses these minute intricacies, to manifest His presence in our lives. "God will move heaven and earth for us to know His will."
I allow the Lord to get hold of my everyday schedule, and take possession of my every waking moment. I allow Him to arrange my little serendipities, these instances that would make His presence felt even more. I lift up my remaining days to God and let Him steer the wheel, so that through others, He would lead me and all the world to Himself.
Three days ago, I ran into an old friend at (of all places) Cash and Carry Mall here in Makati. We've been friends since freshman college, but as many college friends do, we stopped keeping in touch after graduation. We passed by each other at the grocery. Good thing she greeted me first, because I wasn't really looking around. I was thrilled!
These 'coincidences' are really nuts. Had I passed by ten seconds too early, I wouldn't be able to meet her again. Had she not looked in my direction, she wouldn't have seen me, and God knows when the two of us would cross paths again. But the timing seems to be well-orchestrated, it is almost surreal. Seriously, what are the odds?
This is one of the many reasons why I truly believe in serendipity. I love hearing about serendipitous events. It amazes me knowing a guy and a girl meet in a serendipitous manner, only to find out that they are meant for each other this whole time. It is enthralling to have lost a family, relative, or friend, and find him/her again in the strangest setting. These stories are like those seen in movies or teleseryes, but a hundredfold better because they are real.
In another parallel universe where this person arrives at a certain place one minute late, or stops to look at his or her watch, his or her life becomes totally different, because he/she does not meet that other person. But luckily, we don't have to worry about that parallel universe, because this universe we are living in is the most amazing arranger of serendipitous events.
Serendipity is a proof of how God works in our lives. Ours is an active God who arranges things so wisely and perfectly, that you would prefer not to have it any other way. It thrills me to think that God, knowing our plans and actions, sets one thing after another, to lead us where we exactly ought to be. Serendipity shows us that the Lord sees not only the big picture, but even the minutest things; and with love, He concerns Himself with arranging these details for our own good. He uses these minute intricacies, to manifest His presence in our lives. "God will move heaven and earth for us to know His will."
I allow the Lord to get hold of my everyday schedule, and take possession of my every waking moment. I allow Him to arrange my little serendipities, these instances that would make His presence felt even more. I lift up my remaining days to God and let Him steer the wheel, so that through others, He would lead me and all the world to Himself.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
On attachments and goodbyes.
It's both a blessing and a curse that I get so easily attached to people.
Being the 70% extrovert that I am, I find it easy to talk to many people. I easily gain friends wherever I am. This is one gift that I thank God for -- the gift of being able to have good relations with most people.
But this wonderful blessing also leaves an indispensable scar: I tend to become overly attached to them, even when sometimes, they do not feel the same towards me.
Being attached to people is hard -- no, it's exhausting. You have to constantly check on them. You worry when they are not alright. When they are happy, you become happy; but when they are sad, you share their sadness. When they are lost, two things happen: either you are lost too, or you feel compelled to find them.
The hardest part in these attachments is goodbye. When they leave, I am always the first to get hurt. I feel envious of people who come and go, and do not feel a thing. Some of them take goodbyes so casually, and I'm left with no choice but to take it casually, too, even though deep inside... It feels like shit.
Last week, a little friend of mine moved to Bacolod. He is a five-year old kid who lived in the neighborhood. Of course, out of fear of sentimentality, I played it cool. In reality, I felt really sad. I had really gotten close to that kid, especially during the time I was unemployed. But now he has left, and God knows when I shall see him again, or if he would even remember me if I ever do see him.
Each time someone says goodbye, a little part of me dies.
Being so easily attached, at times, causes emotional turmoil. This is the reason why I cried in my high school graduation. This is also the reason why I cried when I fell in love for the first time. And the second time. And this is the reason why when I graduated in college, I suffered a severe withdrawal syndrome out of my separation from college friends, that took me a long time to get over with.
I know that if I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, my one true love and only (supposedly) Apple of my eye, these attachments should bother me less. But sadly, no, I do not find it easy to let go of them so easily. Usually, it takes time and buckets of emo stuff.
I should learn to handle my attachments like a normal adult would, but most of the time, the child in me doesn't want to let go. Thus, one half of me is stuck, while the other half tries its best to stay strong.
Pray for me, dear friend, that I may be able to let go of unhealthful attachments -- to my loved ones, to my vain interests, to my disordered passions. But while I pray for unhealthful attachments to heal, I wish to retain the attachments which strengthen my faith in Christ, and those which would help fulfill God's will in me.
Being the 70% extrovert that I am, I find it easy to talk to many people. I easily gain friends wherever I am. This is one gift that I thank God for -- the gift of being able to have good relations with most people.
But this wonderful blessing also leaves an indispensable scar: I tend to become overly attached to them, even when sometimes, they do not feel the same towards me.
Being attached to people is hard -- no, it's exhausting. You have to constantly check on them. You worry when they are not alright. When they are happy, you become happy; but when they are sad, you share their sadness. When they are lost, two things happen: either you are lost too, or you feel compelled to find them.
The hardest part in these attachments is goodbye. When they leave, I am always the first to get hurt. I feel envious of people who come and go, and do not feel a thing. Some of them take goodbyes so casually, and I'm left with no choice but to take it casually, too, even though deep inside... It feels like shit.
Last week, a little friend of mine moved to Bacolod. He is a five-year old kid who lived in the neighborhood. Of course, out of fear of sentimentality, I played it cool. In reality, I felt really sad. I had really gotten close to that kid, especially during the time I was unemployed. But now he has left, and God knows when I shall see him again, or if he would even remember me if I ever do see him.
Each time someone says goodbye, a little part of me dies.
Being so easily attached, at times, causes emotional turmoil. This is the reason why I cried in my high school graduation. This is also the reason why I cried when I fell in love for the first time. And the second time. And this is the reason why when I graduated in college, I suffered a severe withdrawal syndrome out of my separation from college friends, that took me a long time to get over with.
I know that if I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, my one true love and only (supposedly) Apple of my eye, these attachments should bother me less. But sadly, no, I do not find it easy to let go of them so easily. Usually, it takes time and buckets of emo stuff.
I should learn to handle my attachments like a normal adult would, but most of the time, the child in me doesn't want to let go. Thus, one half of me is stuck, while the other half tries its best to stay strong.
Pray for me, dear friend, that I may be able to let go of unhealthful attachments -- to my loved ones, to my vain interests, to my disordered passions. But while I pray for unhealthful attachments to heal, I wish to retain the attachments which strengthen my faith in Christ, and those which would help fulfill God's will in me.
Friday, January 17, 2014
The devil's whisper.
*This writing is dedicated to my beloved Lisieux Music Ministry... as well as to anyone who is weary and discouraged right now.
As an Evangelical Concert is nearing
The devil also becomes more sneering
As the community hustle in their moving
the enemy fools them into believing --
That their voices and efforts are not enough,
That the way to go is very tough,
That they made the wrong choice when they said fiat,
That God is not with them in this combat,
That they are weak and have hearts so hard
That they are not worthy in this vineyard,
That God is not at work in all of this,
That God has left them all amiss.
In the midst of these whispers, they tremble
Oh, how true is the devil's mumble!
They find themselves weeping and afraid
Asking: Shall God come to our aid?
But there is a greater Voice, who comes
And with a gentle countenance, he hums
"Do not be afraid, I am with you,
I've been there longer than you ever knew
I picked you by hand, singled out among the rest
Because I want to use you for the very best
I brought you to this concert to fulfill a mission
To turn more souls from apathy to passion.
When you cast your fiat, I was with you
When you chose the songs, I guided you
I was with you when the script was written
And in your practices, I fondly listen
I said 'I will never forsake you,' and child, I mean it
I could care less if you see yourself unfit
You don't see it, my child, but I am here
All you have to do is let go of your fear.
If you only cast your burdens upon Me,
if you only trust Me and let it be,
Then my grace shall unfold and you will see
How I will use you for My greater glory.
As an Evangelical Concert is nearing
The devil also becomes more sneering
As the community hustle in their moving
the enemy fools them into believing --
That their voices and efforts are not enough,
That the way to go is very tough,
That they made the wrong choice when they said fiat,
That God is not with them in this combat,
That they are weak and have hearts so hard
That they are not worthy in this vineyard,
That God is not at work in all of this,
That God has left them all amiss.
In the midst of these whispers, they tremble
Oh, how true is the devil's mumble!
They find themselves weeping and afraid
Asking: Shall God come to our aid?
But there is a greater Voice, who comes
And with a gentle countenance, he hums
"Do not be afraid, I am with you,
I've been there longer than you ever knew
I picked you by hand, singled out among the rest
Because I want to use you for the very best
I brought you to this concert to fulfill a mission
To turn more souls from apathy to passion.
When you cast your fiat, I was with you
When you chose the songs, I guided you
I was with you when the script was written
And in your practices, I fondly listen
I said 'I will never forsake you,' and child, I mean it
I could care less if you see yourself unfit
You don't see it, my child, but I am here
All you have to do is let go of your fear.
If you only cast your burdens upon Me,
if you only trust Me and let it be,
Then my grace shall unfold and you will see
How I will use you for My greater glory.
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