Dear subconscious.

My subconscious is a ticking bomb; if I keep ignoring it, it would burst.

So once and for all, I decide to pay attention to my subconscious mind tonight. In fact, I am writing it a letter! (Yes, I need to pay *this much* attention to this jerk called my subconscious. It has bugged me for too long. Believe me, this is not the craziest thing that that has happened to me today.)

______


Dear Subconscious,

Would you please slow down? I know things are happening at a fast pace, and your emotions are at a heightened state, but...

Oh, what the nerve. I can't do anything about you. You are one part of the brain I cannot control. It's as if you are a completely different entity, a brain different from my own. I'm not even sure if I know you. Do you have a repository of the things my conscious mind has forgotten? Do you contain everything that matters to me in my consciousness, or do you contain things of far higher essence? Do you know me better than my conscious mind does? Do you even make sense?

You invade my dreams -- no, you generate them. My dreams are there because of you. And for that, I am thankful for how active you are in my mind. You are that one little voice inside of me that tells me to let go, regardless of the rules I so rigidly have to follow in my world.

Today, you went beyond my dreams and into my reality, and I didn't like that. I cannot entertain you when I am sane. You have no business with my reality! You capture me when I'm lucid, asleep, or in deep thought; but I can't let you boss me around when I'm awake. During those times, my conscious mind is at work. But today, you and my conscious mind somehow went rogue and got mixed up (something like that, idk). NOT COOL, DUDE. Very not cool.

It's as if you and the conscious mind are at war in my head -- you telling me what I want, while the other telling me not to want it. Is there a breakeven point in this, where both you and the conscious mind are moderately regulated? Why should you always be at war? Deep inside, it aches like hell.

Dear mind, I am sorry if you are startled with the things I am going through right now. This is quite overwhelming for me too; I hope you just let me enjoy this emotion for as long as it's there. I am patiently waiting for the day it would fade away (and I know it will, because emotions are fleeting), but for now, will you allow me to just... "feel" it? Would you mind if for tonight, and for the following days, I would let myself go and, you know, think of these things and people that affect me? I am helplessly falling for this. If I keep suppressing it, the subconscious might rally itself out of my dreams and into my reality again (just like what it did today). I know it sounds crazy but... just this once, can I let go?

Today, after what happened, I realized that there is probably no way to deal with this emotion other than to actually feel it. For weeks/months (I'm not even sure how long), I've been keeping it to myself. I haven't allowed myself to completely feel it, because I was afraid it might breed to something worse (to be honest, I'm not sure what I am afraid of. I am. just. afraid.) But keeping it inside...consumes me like fire on a dried leaf. I can't do this anymore. I have to have an out! After all, it's called emotion for a reason. It's meant to be felt! I believe that if God allowed me to feel it, then it must be for something good. It burst out of the subconscious because I kept suppressing it; my mind and heart are too small to contain such an intense emotion. To suppress it might give me a heart attack or, worse, affect other people around me. Feeling it and enjoying it might actually be the healthier option.

But other than feeling it, there is nothing else I can do. So dear subconscious, while I am giving in on thinking of you, I cannot, in practice, follow you altogether -- then my conscious mind would rally itself... and I cannot imagine how chaotic that would be. You do not rule me, dear subconscious. For now, you are just very strong, that fighting you makes my knees turn to jelly. There will come a time when I would be able to overcome you again. Because this is what self-mastery is all about: with the grace of God, perfect moderation and control of one's emotions, intellect, and will -- the three faculties of the soul.

Hang in there, little buddy. You need to follow me and you will, because I am your boss. :)