On attachments and goodbyes.

It's both a blessing and a curse that I get so easily attached to people.

Being the 70% extrovert that I am, I find it easy to talk to many people. I easily gain friends wherever I am. This is one gift that I thank God for -- the gift of being able to have good relations with most people.

But this wonderful blessing also leaves an indispensable scar: I tend to become overly attached to them, even when sometimes, they do not feel the same towards me.

Being attached to people is hard -- no, it's exhausting. You have to constantly check on them. You worry when they are not alright. When they are happy, you become happy; but when they are sad, you share their sadness. When they are lost, two things happen: either you are lost too, or you feel compelled to find them.

The hardest part in these attachments is goodbye. When they leave, I am always the first to get hurt. I feel envious of people who come and go, and do not feel a thing. Some of them take goodbyes so casually, and I'm left with no choice but to take it casually, too, even though deep inside... It feels like shit.

Last week, a little friend of mine moved to Bacolod. He is a five-year old kid who lived in the neighborhood. Of course, out of fear of sentimentality, I played it cool. In reality, I felt really sad. I had really gotten close to that kid, especially during the time I was unemployed. But now he has left, and God knows when I shall see him again, or if he would even remember me if I ever do see him.

Each time someone says goodbye, a little part of me dies.

Being so easily attached, at times, causes emotional turmoil. This is the reason why I cried in my high school graduation. This is also the reason why I cried when I fell in love for the first time. And the second time. And this is the reason why when I graduated in college, I suffered a severe withdrawal syndrome out of my separation from college friends, that took me a long time to get over with.

I know that if I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, my one true love and only (supposedly) Apple of my eye, these attachments should bother me less. But sadly, no, I do not find it easy to let go of them so easily. Usually, it takes time and buckets of emo stuff.

I should learn to handle my attachments like a normal adult would, but most of the time, the child in me doesn't want to let go. Thus, one half of me is stuck, while the other half tries its best to stay strong.

Pray for me, dear friend, that I may be able to let go of unhealthful attachments -- to my loved ones, to my vain interests, to my disordered passions. But while I pray for unhealthful attachments to heal, I wish to retain the attachments which strengthen my faith in Christ, and those which would help fulfill God's will in me.