Still blessed, more than ever.

I'm starting the new year with a BANG! Well, literally.

I'm sick.

But before you type that "Get well soon" comment, before you grab your phone and text me "Anyare sa'yo Mich?" Let me tell you I'm good. I'm doing well. And definitely not gonna die. Grabe ba? Haha!

I'm currently on week 3 of a one-month leave. I keep my fingers crossed, in hopes that my doctor would finally allow me to go to work on February. One month of leave has its perks: rest from exhaustion, needless to say; a well-deserved break after months of working my ass off; lots of time for introspection.

However, it can be a wee bit boring, too. Sometimes I wish I were in the office, so I'd have something to finish instead of just sitting here. Sometimes I wish I had the capability to travel, given the luxury of time I have now. But the doctor says it clearly: I have to rest at home. And so I do.

Some of the things I planned for myself were also revamped because of my untimely sickness. I remember saying I would finally straighten up my academic plans in 2016. I had been putting a pin on it ever since, and unfortunately, that plan has to wait for another while. Also, I planned a trip to Baguio before I got diagnosed. I didn't expect to be on bed rest this long. So nope, that trip's not happening. Bummer.

I realize I haven't told you yet what happened to me. Haha, okay. Last Christmas, I woke up coughing significant amounts of blood (sorry, TMI!). Merry Christmas, 'no? Bloody red, Pasko daw kasi? Haha. I was alarmed. But then it was a holiday, I knew it was not a good time to go to the hospital. So I decided to wait the next day. When I got there a doctor (of internal medicine, not exactly the one I needed) checked up on me, prescribed meds for the bleeding, and suggested I take x-ray and lab tests. It was pretty hard to find a pulmonologist that time, since it was the holiday season and most doctors were on vacation. Tl;dr DON'T get sick during the holidays.

I also noticed my lungs grew weaker in the following days, as if the infection grew exponentially. I felt pain on my left lung. I couldn't properly move, stretch, lie down, and get up. The doctor suggested to have me admitted in the ER immediately (which, in retrospect, was unnecessary). Upon reaching the ER, the doctors there wouldn't admit me because I was still very stable, and that time, I had not talked to a pulmonologist yet. Whew!

Anyway, I was finally able to complete my tests and find a pulmonologist (after new year na, told you they were difficult to find). He was very kind, and still is; he painstakingly explained the condition of my lungs. Apparently the infection had been there for a long time; it had accumulated for months or even years. My lungs were in pretty bad condition, especially the left one, which first had the infection and contracted it to the right lung. I am no radiologist but when I saw my x-ray, I could definitely tell something is wrong. My right lung looks very different from my left lung. The left one also seems to have shrunk in size. Both lungs have fuzzy stuff floating on them (I don't know what they're called, so let's just call them fuzzy stuff, okay?).

This is the disease that killed St. Therese of Lisieux. It is also what killed St. Don Bosco. Well, many saints and famous people in the olden days were killed by this godforsaken disease. If I lived in the nineteenth century, I would have been dead too.

But that's the thing. I live in the twenty-first century, and in this era, this disease is very easily curable. All I need to do is to have some rest, drink my medicines, and avoid close contact with people. That's it! It's not even a painful cure. It's not really that bad. In fact, this is nothing when I compare myself with people who are really sick -- now they are the real survivors. They are the ones we should be praying for.

What do I get out of this sickness now? There are three things I am thankful to God for:

First, modern medicine. Thank God for advancements in medical technology. This disease has killed so notoriously before, it's unfathomable how easily it can be cured now. Doctors are blessings. Medical practitioners are heavensent. Those who work in hospitals are the real unsung heroes.

Thank God for allowing me to have, of all diseases, this one -- one that is within our capability to cure. I do believe this sickness is only for the good; it couldn't have been for anything else, because God is good. He allows it to happen to me so I may learn something from it. If anything, this is a fountain of grace. Omnia in bonum -- Everything is for the good.

And finally, thank God for my life. I know it's quite obvious (even in this blog) that I was in a not-so-happy place the past year. Honestly, I haven't fully recovered from that yet. There are still times when life seems void of meaning. At times, I feel so purposeless.

I guess when you see blood in your mouth, your perspective is bound to change. When you feel physically weak, you become alarmed that you want to cling so dearly to the very life you once rejected -- this one and only life you have. You realize you still want to live it. Your life suddenly becomes not pointless at all.

When your lungs go bad, you become thankful for literally each breath, because you know you could have been dead, but God continues to breathe life into you.

And I am thankful to God for every breath.

---------

"The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4

My Sheerio fandom.

Photo credits: parade.com

Sometimes I don’t get what I see in Ed. I’ve never fangirled this hard before. Ngayon lang to. Pramis.
It’s not even normal for me to blow a huge amount of money on just a night. But because I am such a Sheerio by blood, heart, and soul, my officemate Leah (who is also a Sheerio by blood, heart, and soul) and I went to see him perform live in Manila. Best day ever.

How did my fandom start? It started with the song Everything Has Changed. I really liked that song, though I was familiar only with Taylor. Then one time, someone posted on Facebook about Ed. I was intrigued. Ed Sheeran who? Upon exhaustive research (just kidding, it was just Google), I found out that he was the one in EHS. I downloaded his whole discography…and boy was I in for a treat. One thing led to another and I was hooked! His songs are sort of addictive. I was high on Ed’s songs.

Lego House was the first to catch my attention (I heard it many times before and liked it, but I didn’t know it was him). A-Team, Where We Land, UNI, All of the Stars, Drunk… I cannot possibly enumerate everything. They're a delight! And of course my most favorite of all, Give Me Love. There is something to that song that makes me play it over and over. It probably has an audial drug or earworm of some sort. Seriously, what is up with that song??? As of the moment, I have played it 599 times on my media player (yes folks, I really checked).

Then his latest album was released, X. The songs are even more breathtaking. I’m a Mess, Afire Love, I See Fire, Photograph, I willl stop enumerating now because you should honestly check out everything. I looped almost every song on that album, and I’m not finished yet.

I also started searching his background (not the creepy-stalker type ha, just a typical fangirl), following him on social media, and making his photos or song lyrics my wallpaper (okay, now that I think of it I kinda sound creepy). I find him cute and adorable. I am also mesmerized with the things he says and does. He is really cute, isn’t he?

Last 2014, Leah and I had a deal that if he were coming to Manila, we would definitely watch, no matter how costly. And much to our surprise, he did! Reserving tickets online was the hunger games of reservations. A few hours (or was it minutes?) into after the registration, there were almost no slots available. Boy, the sheerios are really fast, all hell broke loose. Good thing, a small window of opportunity opened: two adjacent seats in the lower box. We reserved it and paid via credit card (thanks Leah!). We even bought sheerio shirts to wear on the concert. It was all set. See you on March 12, Ed!

I remember counting down 67 days before the concert. Every day I waited slowly and patiently, until days 10, 5, 3… either time passed by in a blur or we were just so freakingly busy, or both, but we almost didn’t notice the time was getting near. I was thrilled! OA man sabihin, pero it had been the most blissful countdown of my life. No kidding!

Those 67 days of countdown, the exhausting week, the extra effort we exerted at work in order to render undertime, the long line, and the two hours we had to kill before the concert… All of those troubles disappeared when he stepped on stage.

*melts*
Video screenshot credits: Cherry Mariano

There was no “Hi, hello, good evening Manila!” There was no intro nor any warning. The lights suddenly dimmed out, and there he was, strumming to the chords of I’m a Mess. Nganga!!!

I couldn’t explain the feeling. I know I used to scoff at people who cry seeing their idols at concerts, but now I understand how that felt. When I saw him, I was so awestuck I myself began to cry!!! It was so overwhelming. It was like I was dreaming, but it was oh so real. Ed is an actual person. And he is singing right in front of me. No back-up dancers, no props, no elaborate stage design; just him, his guitar, his loop pedal, and a few digital backdrops. No one else was there, yet his presence was enough.

Leah and I and pretty much everyone yelled so hard, I thought our vocal chords were going to be ripped. And as if that wasn't enough, the crowd also sang along in literally every song. Including the rap parts. Other singers would normally not like that, but Ed was so amazed at the crowd he even sang second voice along with us at the lumiére over me part of Tenerife Sea. That. Was. Just. Magical. Imagine the chills, guys.

I honestly did not want the concert to end. To me, it felt like I was in one very huge jamming session, and in that moment I wanted time to freeze. Almost in a mystical way, the concert was vast and at the same time, intimate. It was paradoxically beautiful. I have never felt something like that before.

I can't tell everything here, for I was so blissful I was almost in a trance; but check out these detailed posts from cool sheerios that pretty much captured what I felt: read here; see photos here and here.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. After his last song, Sing, he left us chanting the coda  "ohhh" part, and we sang it probably for a good three minutes before realizing Ed was not coming back on stage. I yelled "Noooooo!" so hard it was seriously the loudest "no" I have ever said. But of course. Ed was gone; the concert had passed.

Leah and I were high after the concert. After a few days, we were still high on Ed. We kept on looping his songs for weeks. Seriously, that amount of rush and bliss we felt that night was pretty hard to shake off.

I know Ed would come back in Manila, because he said it so. I shall patiently wait for it. 

Thank you, Ed, for making one of the most wonderful nights of my life. Your music runs over and over my head, through my veins and straight to my heart (whatever's left of it, anyway).

And I will see you soon, because when you had us chant that "ohhh" at the end of the night, you know we never stopped. The concert is not over. We are waiting.

Listening again.

I’ve been listening again
to the album I used to listen to
when I fell in love with you.

I’ve been listening again
to this album of a familiar tune
where every song reminds me of you.

These songs were once a happy melody
that kept me awake on sleepless nights,
that touched my heart and so much more,
that soothed my very soul.

Now when I close my eyes
as these songs play on the background
I remember the times you hurt me,
the times I hurt you,
the silly fights we could have let go,
the essential fights we could have not let go,
the times you made me cry,
the times I made you cry,
the times things were complicated,
the times we weren’t happy anymore.

And then this album
becomes a collection of sad songs
and all those happy memories
are replaced with the sad ones.

We could have worked things out
we could have just been honest
we could have cleared out the vagueness
of this confusing whirl we were in.
but we didn’t.

And so I am left
with this lonely line of songs I must endure.

I shall still listen to these songs
though it hurts me to the core;
I hope next time I play them

I won’t miss you anymore.

Isantabi.

May mga araw kung saan ang kalungkutan ay madaling isantabi. Ito ang mga araw na ang isip ng tao ay nakatuon sa sari-saring mga bagay. Sa mga panahong ito ang lungkot ay nakatabi lamang sa sulok, nag-aabang, nagbabadyang magmulto anomang oras.

Ang mga araw na ito ay naiipon: lahat ng panahong hindi ka malungkot o sadyang hindi mo ito pinapansin o ipinahahalata. At ang lahat ng lungkot na naipon, kapag sumabog ay nakakamatay.

Malungkot pala ako. Hindi ko ito napansin gawa ng dami ng pinagkakaabalahan sa araw na 24 oras lang ang laman. Mga pinagkakaabalahang wala akong ideya kung saan patutungo, mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung ikagaganda nga ba ng buhay ko o ng estado ko. Sa mga bagay na ito nalilibang ako ng kaunti. Sa mga bagay na ito panandalian akong nakalilimot sa ‘yo. 

Panandalian, ngunit hindi habambuhay.

Malalim ang sugat na dinulot mo. Hindi sapat ang ilang buwang paglimot ko sa ‘yo. Isag taon na ang nakakalipas, pero parang wala namang nabago. Oo, masakit pa rin hanggang ngayon ang iyong paglayo.

At wala nang mas sasakit pa sa katotohanang hindi ka na babalik.

Kaya ko naman.

Kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka.

Kayang kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
Hindi nga lang masaya.
Pero kaya ko naman.
Pero hindi masaya.
Para lang akong isang bulaklak
Na minalas na tumubo
Sa malilim na dako ng mundo,

Sa ilalim ng mga bato.
Mabubuhay naman ito
Kahit wala ang sikat ng araw
Yun nga lang, hindi ito tatayog

Lalaki itong matamlay,
At yuyuko ito hamambuhay
Gaya ng pagyuko ko
Simula noong araw na nawala ka.

Kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
Kaya ko, hindi nga lang masigla
Pero kaya ko naman.
Pero hindi masigla.
Para lang akong isang bata
Na nalulungkot sa loob ng bahay

Dahil di maubos-ubos ang ulan.

Nakadungaw lang ito sa bintana,

Naghihintay na magliwanag.

Parang ako ang batang ito
Na nabubuhay sa paghiling
Na tumila ang sana ang bagyo —
Ang walang katapusang bagyo —
Noong nawala ka sa buhay ko.

Kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
May buhay pa rin ako, pero walang halaga
Pero may buhay pa rin.
Wala nga lang halaga.
Para lang akong kung sino man siya
Na bumubungad sa akin
Sa harap ng salamin.
Nabubuhay naman siya,
Kumakain, natutulog, pumapasok,

Buhay, pero walang halaga.

At hindi ko siya kilala.

Dahil ang kilala kong siya
Ay yung pagkatao niya
Noong hindi ka pa nawawala sa buhay niya.

Kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
Pero hindi masaya.
Kaya kong wala ka sa araw-araw
Pero walang sigla.
Pero kaya ko namang mawala ka.
Yun nga lang, wala nang halaga.

At kaya kong mabuhay nang wala ka
Pero habambuhay akong hihiling

Na sana,

Sana,

Sana,

Hindi ka na lang nawala.

I Lived - OneRepublic

In one of the episodes of the series Red Band Society, the main character, Jordi was about to undergo an operation to amputate his leg due to complications of his disease. On that scene we hear this song play on the background -- what a creative use of the lyrics "With every broken bone, I swear I lived."

Such an empowering song.

Check the video (which is even more inspiring) here: http://youtu.be/z0rxydSolwU

I believe in you.

You are again at yet another crossroad of your relationship: the part where you are mad at her and faced with two things — to forgive her and get over it, or to forget her and really get over it.

This crossroad is a tough one, for it predestines what your fate will be for the next couple of days/weeks/months. It determines what your emotional state will be, what your actions will be, and weather you will be alone on Saturday nights. Heck, it would even determine what your meals will be.

You are so used to this cycle you are caught up in. It happens so certain and frequent that a pattern has emerged — you and she become so attached to each other, get mad at something (big or small, it doesn’t matter), not keep in touch for a time, miss each other, keep in touch again, become attached to each other again, and repeat. It’s a vicious cycle that, admit it, honestly eats up all the hell out of you.

It’s a vicious cycle you know you must break. Unfortunately, this cycle is sort of a black hole  — it sucks you right back to it in an inescapable force. It is a real struggle to get out of this whirl. Srsly. How do you even.

It’s hard because at the back of your head, you have this lunatic notion that the cycle will somehow evolve. There is a lingering feeling, no matter how minute, that the situation will change for the better. You think that, maybe this time, things between you and her will be okay.

Simply put, you are still hoping. But dear, I want you to stop hoping. This, I’m afraid to tell, is a vicious cycle so hurtful that no one emerges from it victorious. In this cycle, no one wins. No matter how great things seem to be, no matter how close you think you are to ‘seeing better days with her’, it shall always go back to the cycle it has always been. There’s no escaping this. You and she will always be apart, together, apart again, together again until one or both get tired.

The cycle will not magically evolve. The situation will not change for the better. There is no ‘maybe this time’, there will be no room for another time.

The cycle will not end unless you ruthlessly snap yourself out of it. And how do you do that? It’s an enormous feat, but boy the rewards are glorious. It takes tons of fortitude to even begin to let go of such a love. Many tears will be shed, and it may take a long time to heal, so brace yourself. But the only way to break the cycle is to get out of it, isolate yourself far from it, no matter how painful, no matter how seemingly impossible.

You can do this. You have done this before. You have triumphed over far tougher situations, and this one is no different. It may seem too hard for you, for you are so attached…but you have detached yourself from various people before and you made it. This is no different. It's time to break the cycle. You can do it. I believe in you.