The Breakup Playlist.

Since it's love month, at least unofficially, let's talk about romance, it's bitter endings. Yeah. I'd like to delve into the emotion of sadness, particularly over a breakup. Here are songs I fancy listening to when I feel that [inevitable] sadness creeping in again. (I know I'm no expert in breakups. But these songs help, really. And no, I don't feel like listening to mellows whenever I'm sad. So Adele's not on this list.)

I Lived, OneRepublic

Best lines: [I] hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad | The only way you can learn is give it all you have | And I hope that you don't suffer, but take the pain

Also: They did this inspirational music video that enhances the song one hundred times.

Try, P!nk

Best lines: Just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die | You gotta get up and try, try, try

Also: The music video is an artistic representation of your emotional struggle.

3 Things, Jason Mraz

Best lines: I go where I know the love is | and let it fill me up inside | Gathering new strength from sorrow | I'm glad to be alive

Also: There isn't an official music video for this song (sad), but you may sing along with this official audio.

Face Down, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Best lines: One day this world's goin' to end | As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Also: I know right! Alternative punk rock for a breakup song, why not? The song about breaking away from an abusive relationship, along with the screamo at the bridge and coda part, is perfect. The music video is here.

One For the Pain, Lifehouse

Best lines: Coz the war is over now, now | Life is back in color now || Walk away from this madness that I crave

Also: For you folks who are having a long-term attachment to something you know you shouldn't. The official audio is here.

Here Comes The Sun, The Beatles

Best lines: Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces | Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here

Also: Just the first few chords of this song are uplifting enough.

Refocus.

It's Valentine's Day again! As Raj of Big Bang Theory said, "What is it about this holiday that makes people so unhappy?"

Yeah, Raj, what?

I notice that in this holiday, not only are couples the ones who are all-mushy and showy in social media... The singles, oddly, are. They are the ones actively filling their social media accounts with motivational quotes such as "pizza is love" and "being single is awesome." Well, I'm not one to judge, it's probably their way of coping with this holiday, and they're probably as sick of these commercial stuff as I am.

Let's not fog our understanding; Valentine's Day is such a beautiful, wonderful celebration of an awesome saint. Valentine, a pious and courageous Christian of the early era, deserves this day of commemoration. Christians all over the world should imitate the strength of his faith, his undying Love of God.

Sadly, the focus has been lost on God, lost on Valentine and his good works, and has settled on chocolates, roses, dates, and all that romantic stuff. Love is a good thing, it is always good, because it comes from God; but romance is different, it's something you can't quite cling on to. It's fleeting. And some of us get bummed out by Vday for the lack of romance in our lives.

Let us refocus this lovely holiday by living out what it really stands for: LOVE. And by this love I mean God's love, the love that radiates to all our other relationships, the love that grows, hurts, waits, perseveres. Let us be happy to know that this love is plenty.

Happy Valentine's Day! God loves you!

St. Valentine, pray for us.

Some things can't be rushed.

I was so resolved to finally resume work last Friday.

I went to the office for an appointment with the company physician, determined to get that fit to work status, to finally get my life back on track. But when he saw me (still looking sickly thin, to my dismay) and checked my findings, he told me that apparently, my disease was in sort of "advanced" stage, and I need another month to rest. I was distraught, to be honest. Another month? I might as well be a monk and head to the mountains since I'll be gone for that long.

I bargained if I can work already when my lab tests get better. But what he said to me finally shut me up: take your time to heal.

I was so eager to get things back to normal, that I may have been rushing myself to heal. Once I felt there was no pain anymore, I hoped that was it: I'll be finally healed soon. But there is healing that takes place unseen by my eyes, the healing happening inside me that I know nothing about. And this kind of healing takes time.

This disease teaches me, among all things, the virtue of patience. I've been so impatient as to want to move the hands of the clock, if only I can; my sickness teaches me to just let this clock tick. It will tick in its own time, not in mine. I can do nothing but wait.

For some things can't be rushed.

I choose me.

For the past two years

I have chosen you.

I chose you against all odds,

I chose you though it hurt.

I may have made the wrong choice.

So this year,

I come across another chance

To choose again.

I have chosen me.

I choose to choose me.

I cannot undo anymore

The two years I chose you

The two years I chose you in vain.

But this year, I do have a choice.

And I choose me.

Still blessed, more than ever.

I'm starting the new year with a BANG! Well, literally.

I'm sick.

But before you type that "Get well soon" comment, before you grab your phone and text me "Anyare sa'yo Mich?" Let me tell you I'm good. I'm doing well. And definitely not gonna die. Grabe ba? Haha!

I'm currently on week 3 of a one-month leave. I keep my fingers crossed, in hopes that my doctor would finally allow me to go to work on February. One month of leave has its perks: rest from exhaustion, needless to say; a well-deserved break after months of working my ass off; lots of time for introspection.

However, it can be a wee bit boring, too. Sometimes I wish I were in the office, so I'd have something to finish instead of just sitting here. Sometimes I wish I had the capability to travel, given the luxury of time I have now. But the doctor says it clearly: I have to rest at home. And so I do.

Some of the things I planned for myself were also revamped because of my untimely sickness. I remember saying I would finally straighten up my academic plans in 2016. I had been putting a pin on it ever since, and unfortunately, that plan has to wait for another while. Also, I planned a trip to Baguio before I got diagnosed. I didn't expect to be on bed rest this long. So nope, that trip's not happening. Bummer.

I realize I haven't told you yet what happened to me. Haha, okay. Last Christmas, I woke up coughing significant amounts of blood (sorry, TMI!). Merry Christmas, 'no? Bloody red, Pasko daw kasi? Haha. I was alarmed. But then it was a holiday, I knew it was not a good time to go to the hospital. So I decided to wait the next day. When I got there a doctor (of internal medicine, not exactly the one I needed) checked up on me, prescribed meds for the bleeding, and suggested I take x-ray and lab tests. It was pretty hard to find a pulmonologist that time, since it was the holiday season and most doctors were on vacation. Tl;dr DON'T get sick during the holidays.

I also noticed my lungs grew weaker in the following days, as if the infection grew exponentially. I felt pain on my left lung. I couldn't properly move, stretch, lie down, and get up. The doctor suggested to have me admitted in the ER immediately (which, in retrospect, was unnecessary). Upon reaching the ER, the doctors there wouldn't admit me because I was still very stable, and that time, I had not talked to a pulmonologist yet. Whew!

Anyway, I was finally able to complete my tests and find a pulmonologist (after new year na, told you they were difficult to find). He was very kind, and still is; he painstakingly explained the condition of my lungs. Apparently the infection had been there for a long time; it had accumulated for months or even years. My lungs were in pretty bad condition, especially the left one, which first had the infection and contracted it to the right lung. I am no radiologist but when I saw my x-ray, I could definitely tell something is wrong. My right lung looks very different from my left lung. The left one also seems to have shrunk in size. Both lungs have fuzzy stuff floating on them (I don't know what they're called, so let's just call them fuzzy stuff, okay?).

This is the disease that killed St. Therese of Lisieux. It is also what killed St. Don Bosco. Well, many saints and famous people in the olden days were killed by this godforsaken disease. If I lived in the nineteenth century, I would have been dead too.

But that's the thing. I live in the twenty-first century, and in this era, this disease is very easily curable. All I need to do is to have some rest, drink my medicines, and avoid close contact with people. That's it! It's not even a painful cure. It's not really that bad. In fact, this is nothing when I compare myself with people who are really sick -- now they are the real survivors. They are the ones we should be praying for.

What do I get out of this sickness now? There are three things I am thankful to God for:

First, modern medicine. Thank God for advancements in medical technology. This disease has killed so notoriously before, it's unfathomable how easily it can be cured now. Doctors are blessings. Medical practitioners are heavensent. Those who work in hospitals are the real unsung heroes.

Thank God for allowing me to have, of all diseases, this one -- one that is within our capability to cure. I do believe this sickness is only for the good; it couldn't have been for anything else, because God is good. He allows it to happen to me so I may learn something from it. If anything, this is a fountain of grace. Omnia in bonum -- Everything is for the good.

And finally, thank God for my life. I know it's quite obvious (even in this blog) that I was in a not-so-happy place the past year. Honestly, I haven't fully recovered from that yet. There are still times when life seems void of meaning. At times, I feel so purposeless.

I guess when you see blood in your mouth, your perspective is bound to change. When you feel physically weak, you become alarmed that you want to cling so dearly to the very life you once rejected -- this one and only life you have. You realize you still want to live it. Your life suddenly becomes not pointless at all.

When your lungs go bad, you become thankful for literally each breath, because you know you could have been dead, but God continues to breathe life into you.

And I am thankful to God for every breath.

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"The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4

My Sheerio fandom.

Photo credits: parade.com

Sometimes I don’t get what I see in Ed. I’ve never fangirled this hard before. Ngayon lang to. Pramis.
It’s not even normal for me to blow a huge amount of money on just a night. But because I am such a Sheerio by blood, heart, and soul, my officemate Leah (who is also a Sheerio by blood, heart, and soul) and I went to see him perform live in Manila. Best day ever.

How did my fandom start? It started with the song Everything Has Changed. I really liked that song, though I was familiar only with Taylor. Then one time, someone posted on Facebook about Ed. I was intrigued. Ed Sheeran who? Upon exhaustive research (just kidding, it was just Google), I found out that he was the one in EHS. I downloaded his whole discography…and boy was I in for a treat. One thing led to another and I was hooked! His songs are sort of addictive. I was high on Ed’s songs.

Lego House was the first to catch my attention (I heard it many times before and liked it, but I didn’t know it was him). A-Team, Where We Land, UNI, All of the Stars, Drunk… I cannot possibly enumerate everything. They're a delight! And of course my most favorite of all, Give Me Love. There is something to that song that makes me play it over and over. It probably has an audial drug or earworm of some sort. Seriously, what is up with that song??? As of the moment, I have played it 599 times on my media player (yes folks, I really checked).

Then his latest album was released, X. The songs are even more breathtaking. I’m a Mess, Afire Love, I See Fire, Photograph, I willl stop enumerating now because you should honestly check out everything. I looped almost every song on that album, and I’m not finished yet.

I also started searching his background (not the creepy-stalker type ha, just a typical fangirl), following him on social media, and making his photos or song lyrics my wallpaper (okay, now that I think of it I kinda sound creepy). I find him cute and adorable. I am also mesmerized with the things he says and does. He is really cute, isn’t he?

Last 2014, Leah and I had a deal that if he were coming to Manila, we would definitely watch, no matter how costly. And much to our surprise, he did! Reserving tickets online was the hunger games of reservations. A few hours (or was it minutes?) into after the registration, there were almost no slots available. Boy, the sheerios are really fast, all hell broke loose. Good thing, a small window of opportunity opened: two adjacent seats in the lower box. We reserved it and paid via credit card (thanks Leah!). We even bought sheerio shirts to wear on the concert. It was all set. See you on March 12, Ed!

I remember counting down 67 days before the concert. Every day I waited slowly and patiently, until days 10, 5, 3… either time passed by in a blur or we were just so freakingly busy, or both, but we almost didn’t notice the time was getting near. I was thrilled! OA man sabihin, pero it had been the most blissful countdown of my life. No kidding!

Those 67 days of countdown, the exhausting week, the extra effort we exerted at work in order to render undertime, the long line, and the two hours we had to kill before the concert… All of those troubles disappeared when he stepped on stage.

*melts*
Video screenshot credits: Cherry Mariano

There was no “Hi, hello, good evening Manila!” There was no intro nor any warning. The lights suddenly dimmed out, and there he was, strumming to the chords of I’m a Mess. Nganga!!!

I couldn’t explain the feeling. I know I used to scoff at people who cry seeing their idols at concerts, but now I understand how that felt. When I saw him, I was so awestuck I myself began to cry!!! It was so overwhelming. It was like I was dreaming, but it was oh so real. Ed is an actual person. And he is singing right in front of me. No back-up dancers, no props, no elaborate stage design; just him, his guitar, his loop pedal, and a few digital backdrops. No one else was there, yet his presence was enough.

Leah and I and pretty much everyone yelled so hard, I thought our vocal chords were going to be ripped. And as if that wasn't enough, the crowd also sang along in literally every song. Including the rap parts. Other singers would normally not like that, but Ed was so amazed at the crowd he even sang second voice along with us at the lumiére over me part of Tenerife Sea. That. Was. Just. Magical. Imagine the chills, guys.

I honestly did not want the concert to end. To me, it felt like I was in one very huge jamming session, and in that moment I wanted time to freeze. Almost in a mystical way, the concert was vast and at the same time, intimate. It was paradoxically beautiful. I have never felt something like that before.

I can't tell everything here, for I was so blissful I was almost in a trance; but check out these detailed posts from cool sheerios that pretty much captured what I felt: read here; see photos here and here.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. After his last song, Sing, he left us chanting the coda  "ohhh" part, and we sang it probably for a good three minutes before realizing Ed was not coming back on stage. I yelled "Noooooo!" so hard it was seriously the loudest "no" I have ever said. But of course. Ed was gone; the concert had passed.

Leah and I were high after the concert. After a few days, we were still high on Ed. We kept on looping his songs for weeks. Seriously, that amount of rush and bliss we felt that night was pretty hard to shake off.

I know Ed would come back in Manila, because he said it so. I shall patiently wait for it. 

Thank you, Ed, for making one of the most wonderful nights of my life. Your music runs over and over my head, through my veins and straight to my heart (whatever's left of it, anyway).

And I will see you soon, because when you had us chant that "ohhh" at the end of the night, you know we never stopped. The concert is not over. We are waiting.

Listening again.

I’ve been listening again
to the album I used to listen to
when I fell in love with you.

I’ve been listening again
to this album of a familiar tune
where every song reminds me of you.

These songs were once a happy melody
that kept me awake on sleepless nights,
that touched my heart and so much more,
that soothed my very soul.

Now when I close my eyes
as these songs play on the background
I remember the times you hurt me,
the times I hurt you,
the silly fights we could have let go,
the essential fights we could have not let go,
the times you made me cry,
the times I made you cry,
the times things were complicated,
the times we weren’t happy anymore.

And then this album
becomes a collection of sad songs
and all those happy memories
are replaced with the sad ones.

We could have worked things out
we could have just been honest
we could have cleared out the vagueness
of this confusing whirl we were in.
but we didn’t.

And so I am left
with this lonely line of songs I must endure.

I shall still listen to these songs
though it hurts me to the core;
I hope next time I play them

I won’t miss you anymore.