Midnight Mass realizations. Merry Christ-Mass!

There was a gush of realizations on today's midnight Mass on the Solemnity of the birth of our Lord. I could feel God's words swelling up like it was still 33 AD. Truly, when the Word of God is remembered, the past and the present seem to converge. The Word is alive!

a. Even before the Angel Gabriel came to her, Mary was already beginning her 'fiat' when she was betrothed to Joseph. It was this very first act of submission to God's plan that proceeded to her eventual 'fiat' to becoming Christ's mother. Mary's life, in its entirety, is an act of submission to God's will.

b. Mary asking "How will this be so, since I have no relations with a man?" (Lk. 1:34) shows faith seeking understanding. There is nothing wrong to ask God about his will for us; it is certain that our human understanding will find its limits. We might find answers that are vague and beyond our understanding, but God's ways are always the wisest.

c. When Mary came to visit Elizabeth, I could imagine how awestruck the latter is. "And why is it granted me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?" (Lk. 1:43) This is the true Sense of the Sacred: a thumping heart and awe-filled soul when face-to-face with the Living Sacrament. Mary's mere presence fills the soul with the Holy Spirit. This is possible not by Mary's own merits, but by the Child who was in her womb!

d. When exulted by Elizabeth, Mary responded by giving back the glory to Christ: "My soul magnifies the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior" (Lk. 1:47). It has always been Mary's role in the history of Christianity: to magnify the Lord. When she is exulted, she humbles herself and exults Christ instead. And with this, her beauty radiates even more.

e. When the time for Mary to give birth came, Joseph frantically, but well-composedly tried to find an inn for them. I can see how the Lord planned this perfectly: that St. Joseph be father to Christ, because he will do everything for Mary and Jesus, even if it meant knocking on endless doors and begging to be taken in. I wish that every girl find a man like this to be her own husband: a man after Joseph's own heart.
In our times, we tend to be like the innkeepers, who kept the door shut for Christ. We tend to be too busy that we may not have any room for Christ in our heart. But the only way to experience the divine is to accept his simplicity and let him in; like how the owner of the barn took the Holy Family.

f. As if coming to the world as a mere human is not enough, the Lord decided to do something even more humbling -- be born in a manger. The King of Kings was born on a manger. THE KING OF KINGS WAS BORN ON A MANGER! Even I was born on a hospital bed, complete with medical supplies and safety kits. But the Lord of heaven and earth chose to be born on a manger? This is the first of the numerous instances where Christ would humble himself to be living example. This, truly, is the Lord of humility.

In order to find the Lord, one need not look far and wide; one need not search the most royal of palaces. Because the Lord is found in the simplest place in the world -- the manger. In simplicity, the true riches are hidden. In simplicity, the divine is found.

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All these reflections and more in the best season of the year. May we experience and share to others the true meaning of Christmas as we meditate in the life of Christ. MERRY CHRISTMAS! Gloria in excelsis Deo!

O sing to the LORD a new song; sing to the LORD, all the earth!
Sing to the LORD, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day.
Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples!
Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
let the field exult, and everything in it! Then shall all the trees of the wood sing for joy
before the LORD, for he comes, for he comes to judge the earth. He will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with his truth. (Ps. 96: 1-3, 11-13)

Still, omnia in bonum.

12-20-31
Posted on Facebook:

When God led me to this company, my initial plan was to stay for just a few months until I get the job I was really pining for. The thought that I would actually like this job didn't occur to me. I thought I would hate the tiring routine, the overtime, the long travel, the Saturday work...

But in a mystical way, I found a profound joy in this job, which I didn't find in my previous job, and which trumps all those other minimal concerns. I learned that what matters the most is that one finds peace of mind in his work, no matter how hard the circumstances are.

This inexplicable joy and peace of mind is the reason why I am sure that this is precisely where God wants me to be right now. Finding joy in this work, I can feel that in this way, God is using me for his greater glory. I may not be the best and perfect editor as of yet, but with this joy I find in my work, I may finally let God perfect me, and in turn, let others see him through me.

Omnia in bonum (everything is for the good). God never fails in reserving the best for his people. May we never falter in believing in him, no matter how confusing his will sometimes is.

PS. By God's grace, I am now a regular employee, and I opt to stay longer. Thank you, Lord!

My theological questions on soulmates and destiny. Yep, for real!

What is God's stand on soulmates, serendipity and destiny? As far as freewill is concerned, I am free to choose wherever and I want to be and whoever I want to be with. Right?

But then...

If God set it that I were to meet a guy in a certain area, but I choose not to go, then I would have eluded the guy who was supposed to be my soulmate. (So in that case, he was not really my soulmate to begin with. Or is that the case?) Confusing, right?

How does all of this work? Is it true that God reserves for people (who are bound to enter the vocation of marriage) someone who is bound to be their "soulmate"? Up to what point does He interfere with this aspect of life?

I always like to think that, while God allows circumstances to happen to me, in principle, I am in control of my life -- the freewill that God gave me makes me the captain of my own ship. The whole point of freewill is for us to freely choose and love Him, so in principle, He would not dare mess with our freewill. But if I meet a guy in a serendipity-like manner and marry him, is it valid to say that it was God's arrangement? Or was it MY arrangement (because you know, I was the one who chose to fall in love), and God merely allowed that arrangement because He gives consent to my will of marrying this guy? What caused me to meet the guy in the first place -- me or God? And what caused me to actually fall in love? Really, whose moving is this? What role do I partake in this situation, and what role does God?

Jagged pieces.

Broken, like glass that’s fallen, that's what I am
into pieces, a thousand fragments, broken by
every shattered dream and every time I fail,
every word of anger, each time hate prevails.

You are a broken glass. You fell, failed, and was scattered into many pieces. You try to carefully tread into the way, but still you continue to be wounded. You are smashed beyond repair.

And nobody uses a broken glass like you. A broken glass is kept away and put to trash; nobody will have the audacity to pick you up. You are a broken glass; you will be dispatched, because you are useless.

Or are you?

You continue to resist being touched, because you are afraid of baring to others how broken you are. Anyone who touches you gets pricked; therefore, you are sure to harm others. Instead of causing others to bleed, you choose to bleed alone.

This is why you try your best to cover up this brokenness -- by putting on a classy robe that hides it. This robe distracts you and others from looking within. It gives you the idea that you are invincible. Everything seems well and easy, and you hope this strategy works.

Or does it?

Too often I’ve run away, and too often I’ve hid my face;
too seldom, I’ve sought your boundless embrace.

This robe is the cloak of your busyness, your distractions -- your excessive working, your running to and fro, your gadgets and technological whatnots, your endless parties, your nonsensical entertainment and your shallow friends.

You are so afraid of silence, for in silence, another Voice becomes audible... This Voice, no matter how soothing, is also terrifying; It reminds you of the emptiness you feel. And so for you not to be reminded of that brokenness, you keep drowning the silence by constantly listening to "music". This music pleases the ears but not the heart, and you know it, but you keep listening anyway... You try to to hush down the Voice that is heard only "when you shut down the world's volume."

...but you know deep inside, at the end of the day, that you will have to remove this robe. Sooner or later, you will have to face the truth.

Then all your brokenness will be revealed again. This is why you are afraid to take off the robe.

What is a way out of this mess? How do you heal your brokenness?

You don't.

At least for now.

And though glass can cut like nails,
still You pick up these jagged pieces
though they wound You with pain and pride.
You soothe them beneath Your fingers
and comfort this broken child.

If you try so hard to heal yourself, you will have tried in vain. You will seek refuge to the world...but the world can only do so much to heal you. The world in all its vainglories cannot heal you.

But there is Someone who can. He is the hand that picks you up in spite of your brokenness. This Hand is not afraid to touch a broken glass like you. In fact, He will lovingly and willingly do so. He knows that you are prickly and painful to touch, yet He carries you anyway.

In the process, His hand gets pricked, because you are stubborn and you keep resisting His embrace. You continuously pierce Him while struggling to run away from His presence. He holds you tighter to His bosom and you resist it, and you make Him bleed... but all the more He holds on to you dearly.

The world continuously makes His heart and hand bleed, for man's persistent resistance to Him makes Him bleed like hell. There is bloodshed in the heart of God.

But this blood is the only way to heal the world. God's pain became mankind's gain.

How odd and ironic is it?

And he won't let you go, no matter how much you hurt Him.

There is no way you can heal yourself. Because there is only one person who can heal you, one Hand who can pick you up.

So I’ll offer these broken pieces
each day I’ll bring them where You reside
and rest there, safe in Your presence
forever, Your broken child.
Your broken, beloved child.

Because you need to be broken in order to be shared.

...

If you ask me how I'm doing,

I would say I'm doing just fine...

I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.

But I go out and I sit down

At a table set for two,

And finally, I'm forced to face the truth.

No matter what I say, I'm...

not over you.

Crazy schedules and answered prayers.

Oh dear, it had been a crazy August.

Right now I am looking at my calendar on my desk at the office. This is where I write my OTs. Almost every day for the month of August was blocked. There were times I spent the night at the office. Coffee and energy drink ran in my blood just to keep up with the long hours. Whew! How did I end up this way anyway?

I started this job in the editorial department of a publishing company in Quezon City. The company produces mostly academic books, with law books as the its premiere products. Our section in the editorial department is assigned with the basic education books (elementary and high school). I don't have any Educ background (except perhaps DEVC40. Uhmmm I'm not sure if that counts), so I was a little afraid, but since I have Journ background, they figured that editing materials for books might be up my alley. 

This job serves a a breather from all the soul-searching I did prior to this job. As some of you know, I took some time struggling with the so-called quarter-life crisis (or is 22 too early for that? Whatever). After I graduated, I found it hard to find my place in the workplace and, consequently, in the adult world. I got a temporary contractual job, which I fondly enjoyed while it lasted, then I found myself clueless again about where I should go.

A few weeks into the unemployment, I attended a Life-in-the-Spirit Seminar, with the hopes of consulting my internal compass - God, about all the mess I've been having. It was such a blissful and fruitful experience, and I did get His message for me that time. But of course, it's not like God would magically solve my confusion, so I still had to struggle about my vocation and unemployment issues.

After another three months of unemployment, I finally landed a job in a research foundation somewhere in Ortigas. I stayed there for a short while, then I resigned. Then after my brief experience in that job, I had to face yet another phase (see what I did there? They're homonyms. hihihihi) of unemployment. Wow, yaman ko noh? Please... I was broke and empty for months. I can't imagine how I survived those months penniless. Good thing my parents never left me in my time of need.

In May 2013, I finally got this job in the publishing company. In June, I was all set and good to go. Honestly, I wasn't really excited about this job, for I was expecting something else. A day before I accepted this placement, I braved going to AFP; their Reserve Command was in need of a writer and I figured I could try my luck. So I marched there, took the tests, and faced the interview with the Commanding Officer herself (she was kind, but I was scared!). I told God that if it was really not His will for me to take the job in the publishing company, He would get me through this by letting me work at AFP. I also prayed that it was actually His will to place me there (Haha! I'm terrible. I remembered, prayer doesn't work that way. Hayyy). Much to my dismay, that night the Commanding Officer texted me. I didn't get the job. So after that bad day, I halfheartedly said yes to the publishing company.

I was resolved to spend "just a few months" in the company, during which time I would see if I have a shot with the "dream jobs" I was really pining for.

But truly, God's ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9), and His plans turned out to be different and better than mine. Have I known all along that He truly is the perfect planner of my life, I wouldn't be so skeptical of His plans for me.

It turns out I actually like my job. I like editing, I like the books, I like the company, and I like the thought of actually contributing something to the service of people. :) I knew I should have trusted Him about this job. How good is the Lord, who is true and faithful to His promise!

There are downsides to this job, however. The insane long hours of work, particularly during the peak season; the location (for crying out loud, I reside in Makati, and yet I chose a job that's far away); the traffic (hello Quiapo and España); the Saturday work (it seems I'm missing out on a lot of things); and the potential membership in an organization in my own parish I neglected because of my hectic schedule (busyness was not my primary reason for backing out, but it was a major setback).

But I believe that if one really enjoys what he is doing, he can endure these things, no matter how hard. It's amazing how I manage to cope.

I feel that this might not yet be the end stop for me... I am young and I have a lot in mind. But my heart is contented and happy, and carefree as it may sound, that is what matters to me right now. With this, I can rest my mind and finally focus on serving God through my work. Finally, I may not worry (for now) about where I should go next, but instead, enjoy the journey and let God take care of the future. When the time comes when I'll have to leave (alis agad iniisip, di pa nga regular? hahahaha), I hope that God would be gracious to help me through it. After all, I wish to be docile to the plan of God, and I pray He would grant me the grace to be one, given that I am so hardhearted and proud and all.

My end goal is for my life to be always of service to God, no matter where He wills me to go and what He wills me to do. It sounds almost insanely impossible, but I believe that since I was bought by the blood of such a precious martyr called Christ, this is what every Christian must do. Frankly, I am alarmed and perpetually afraid of this goal, because if He asked that I give up my all for Him, I don't know if I would be gracious enough to say yes. I am constantly afraid that that day would come. Seriously, how does one say 'fiat' (Be it done) as wholehearted and trusting as the Virgin Mary did?

But for now, I feel that my vocation is in this job, and in my other roles as well -- daughter, sibling, friend, lover (of my imaginary boyfriend, who else. loljk). I must focus on these things, and even if I suck at this path to holiness most times, I pray that He would be patient with me. Pray with me, my dear friends in faith, that we may become Christ's witnesses in our workplace (even if most of the time, life is a bitch).

May you walk with me hand-in-hand, and together, let us walk amidst the ungodly world towards God.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord,

"Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and on your own understanding rely not;

In all your ways be mindful of Him,

and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

_________________

P.S.

I realized that I prayed about this job last September 2012. The job I was praying for was different than this, but to my surprise, I like this job a thousandfold more than that job I was praying for. Thank God, and glory be to Him! This job is the answer to the prayer I asked God last September, and this job is actually better than what I originally asked for. Truly, omnia in bonum (everything is for the good). I am humbled and enthralled by His graciousness. His goodness is unfathomable. Every time He answers my prayers, He humbles me.

The fingerprint, the zebra and the snowflake.

The fingerprint is an amazing feature in the anatomy of humans. Most fingerprints seem identical in our eyes; yet it has been proven that no two fingerprints are alike.

The same goes with the stripes in a zebra. They all seem the same to us; yet every stripe is unique. Thus, no two zebras are alike.

Also, it is the same with snowflakes; they all have the same basic form and shape, but if you look closely at their intricacies, you will realize that each snowflake is different. No two snowflakes are alike.

See how our perception deceives us? There are many things in life that, at the first glance, seem ordinary; things that look like they merely blend in with others; things that seem indistinct when compared with the rest of their kind.

It is a valid temptation (and a persistent one indeed) to think that I do not matter as an individual; after all, there are millions of people who are identical to, even better than me. The company I work in can easily replace me in the event that I resign. A lover whom I left would find it a piece of cake to find another lover even more beautiful than me. My friends and family might weep a little over my loss, but would eventually move on without me. My demise would be barely noticed by the world; I would be "just another girl" who was born, who lived, and passed away.

Thus, I have asked God numerous times: what difference does it make that I am here? In the sea of people who keep competing against one another, do I have a role? What's the point of striving so hard, if there will always be someone out there better than me?

But the most consoling counter-argument to this is the fact that no matter how tiny and insignificant I am, somebody as big as the Lord of all creation sees me. In fact, He knows all details about me. He does not see me as "just another somebody"; He knows how unique I am.

People see me as just another fingerprint; but God can see through me; thus, He sees my uniqueness from all the other fingerprints. He sees my every fiber and says, "That is My child, whose personality I planned perfectly, and whom I single out among the rest."

To everybody's eyes, my life is just another stripe of black and white, like that of a zebra; but God sorts out beyond the black and white, unearths the intricate pattern, and loves me for that unique pattern.

While I lament on my ordinariness, there is God watching me, admiring the little snowflake that I am. He is there, hoping that I would realize that I must see myself the way He sees me.

"O what is man that you are mindful of him?" (Hebrews 2:6) Indeed, we are but a little speck in the vast universe of God. Therefore, it is mind-boggling and overwhelming to think that we would be noticed by, who else, but the Creator of all of these. Would he be interested with all our tiny troubles?

But He would, because to His eyes, we are special. And we shall be enthralled and humbled and forever thankful of this truth.

May we always remember that we are a fingerprint, a zebra, and a snowflake: carefully planned, unique, beautiful and special. May we see ourselves as creatures with worth and dignity, as the Lord so lovingly sees us. And may we use our uniqueness to harmonize with the rest of His children, so that His Name may be glorified in all the ends of the earth. Because if we are created "in the image and likeness" of God (cf. Genesis 1:26), then how beautiful are we indeed!