Jagged pieces.

Broken, like glass that’s fallen, that's what I am
into pieces, a thousand fragments, broken by
every shattered dream and every time I fail,
every word of anger, each time hate prevails.

You are a broken glass. You fell, failed, and was scattered into many pieces. You try to carefully tread into the way, but still you continue to be wounded. You are smashed beyond repair.

And nobody uses a broken glass like you. A broken glass is kept away and put to trash; nobody will have the audacity to pick you up. You are a broken glass; you will be dispatched, because you are useless.

Or are you?

You continue to resist being touched, because you are afraid of baring to others how broken you are. Anyone who touches you gets pricked; therefore, you are sure to harm others. Instead of causing others to bleed, you choose to bleed alone.

This is why you try your best to cover up this brokenness -- by putting on a classy robe that hides it. This robe distracts you and others from looking within. It gives you the idea that you are invincible. Everything seems well and easy, and you hope this strategy works.

Or does it?

Too often I’ve run away, and too often I’ve hid my face;
too seldom, I’ve sought your boundless embrace.

This robe is the cloak of your busyness, your distractions -- your excessive working, your running to and fro, your gadgets and technological whatnots, your endless parties, your nonsensical entertainment and your shallow friends.

You are so afraid of silence, for in silence, another Voice becomes audible... This Voice, no matter how soothing, is also terrifying; It reminds you of the emptiness you feel. And so for you not to be reminded of that brokenness, you keep drowning the silence by constantly listening to "music". This music pleases the ears but not the heart, and you know it, but you keep listening anyway... You try to to hush down the Voice that is heard only "when you shut down the world's volume."

...but you know deep inside, at the end of the day, that you will have to remove this robe. Sooner or later, you will have to face the truth.

Then all your brokenness will be revealed again. This is why you are afraid to take off the robe.

What is a way out of this mess? How do you heal your brokenness?

You don't.

At least for now.

And though glass can cut like nails,
still You pick up these jagged pieces
though they wound You with pain and pride.
You soothe them beneath Your fingers
and comfort this broken child.

If you try so hard to heal yourself, you will have tried in vain. You will seek refuge to the world...but the world can only do so much to heal you. The world in all its vainglories cannot heal you.

But there is Someone who can. He is the hand that picks you up in spite of your brokenness. This Hand is not afraid to touch a broken glass like you. In fact, He will lovingly and willingly do so. He knows that you are prickly and painful to touch, yet He carries you anyway.

In the process, His hand gets pricked, because you are stubborn and you keep resisting His embrace. You continuously pierce Him while struggling to run away from His presence. He holds you tighter to His bosom and you resist it, and you make Him bleed... but all the more He holds on to you dearly.

The world continuously makes His heart and hand bleed, for man's persistent resistance to Him makes Him bleed like hell. There is bloodshed in the heart of God.

But this blood is the only way to heal the world. God's pain became mankind's gain.

How odd and ironic is it?

And he won't let you go, no matter how much you hurt Him.

There is no way you can heal yourself. Because there is only one person who can heal you, one Hand who can pick you up.

So I’ll offer these broken pieces
each day I’ll bring them where You reside
and rest there, safe in Your presence
forever, Your broken child.
Your broken, beloved child.

Because you need to be broken in order to be shared.

...

If you ask me how I'm doing,

I would say I'm doing just fine...

I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.

But I go out and I sit down

At a table set for two,

And finally, I'm forced to face the truth.

No matter what I say, I'm...

not over you.

Crazy schedules and answered prayers.

Oh dear, it had been a crazy August.

Right now I am looking at my calendar on my desk at the office. This is where I write my OTs. Almost every day for the month of August was blocked. There were times I spent the night at the office. Coffee and energy drink ran in my blood just to keep up with the long hours. Whew! How did I end up this way anyway?

I started this job in the editorial department of a publishing company in Quezon City. The company produces mostly academic books, with law books as the its premiere products. Our section in the editorial department is assigned with the basic education books (elementary and high school). I don't have any Educ background (except perhaps DEVC40. Uhmmm I'm not sure if that counts), so I was a little afraid, but since I have Journ background, they figured that editing materials for books might be up my alley. 

This job serves a a breather from all the soul-searching I did prior to this job. As some of you know, I took some time struggling with the so-called quarter-life crisis (or is 22 too early for that? Whatever). After I graduated, I found it hard to find my place in the workplace and, consequently, in the adult world. I got a temporary contractual job, which I fondly enjoyed while it lasted, then I found myself clueless again about where I should go.

A few weeks into the unemployment, I attended a Life-in-the-Spirit Seminar, with the hopes of consulting my internal compass - God, about all the mess I've been having. It was such a blissful and fruitful experience, and I did get His message for me that time. But of course, it's not like God would magically solve my confusion, so I still had to struggle about my vocation and unemployment issues.

After another three months of unemployment, I finally landed a job in a research foundation somewhere in Ortigas. I stayed there for a short while, then I resigned. Then after my brief experience in that job, I had to face yet another phase (see what I did there? They're homonyms. hihihihi) of unemployment. Wow, yaman ko noh? Please... I was broke and empty for months. I can't imagine how I survived those months penniless. Good thing my parents never left me in my time of need.

In May 2013, I finally got this job in the publishing company. In June, I was all set and good to go. Honestly, I wasn't really excited about this job, for I was expecting something else. A day before I accepted this placement, I braved going to AFP; their Reserve Command was in need of a writer and I figured I could try my luck. So I marched there, took the tests, and faced the interview with the Commanding Officer herself (she was kind, but I was scared!). I told God that if it was really not His will for me to take the job in the publishing company, He would get me through this by letting me work at AFP. I also prayed that it was actually His will to place me there (Haha! I'm terrible. I remembered, prayer doesn't work that way. Hayyy). Much to my dismay, that night the Commanding Officer texted me. I didn't get the job. So after that bad day, I halfheartedly said yes to the publishing company.

I was resolved to spend "just a few months" in the company, during which time I would see if I have a shot with the "dream jobs" I was really pining for.

But truly, God's ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9), and His plans turned out to be different and better than mine. Have I known all along that He truly is the perfect planner of my life, I wouldn't be so skeptical of His plans for me.

It turns out I actually like my job. I like editing, I like the books, I like the company, and I like the thought of actually contributing something to the service of people. :) I knew I should have trusted Him about this job. How good is the Lord, who is true and faithful to His promise!

There are downsides to this job, however. The insane long hours of work, particularly during the peak season; the location (for crying out loud, I reside in Makati, and yet I chose a job that's far away); the traffic (hello Quiapo and España); the Saturday work (it seems I'm missing out on a lot of things); and the potential membership in an organization in my own parish I neglected because of my hectic schedule (busyness was not my primary reason for backing out, but it was a major setback).

But I believe that if one really enjoys what he is doing, he can endure these things, no matter how hard. It's amazing how I manage to cope.

I feel that this might not yet be the end stop for me... I am young and I have a lot in mind. But my heart is contented and happy, and carefree as it may sound, that is what matters to me right now. With this, I can rest my mind and finally focus on serving God through my work. Finally, I may not worry (for now) about where I should go next, but instead, enjoy the journey and let God take care of the future. When the time comes when I'll have to leave (alis agad iniisip, di pa nga regular? hahahaha), I hope that God would be gracious to help me through it. After all, I wish to be docile to the plan of God, and I pray He would grant me the grace to be one, given that I am so hardhearted and proud and all.

My end goal is for my life to be always of service to God, no matter where He wills me to go and what He wills me to do. It sounds almost insanely impossible, but I believe that since I was bought by the blood of such a precious martyr called Christ, this is what every Christian must do. Frankly, I am alarmed and perpetually afraid of this goal, because if He asked that I give up my all for Him, I don't know if I would be gracious enough to say yes. I am constantly afraid that that day would come. Seriously, how does one say 'fiat' (Be it done) as wholehearted and trusting as the Virgin Mary did?

But for now, I feel that my vocation is in this job, and in my other roles as well -- daughter, sibling, friend, lover (of my imaginary boyfriend, who else. loljk). I must focus on these things, and even if I suck at this path to holiness most times, I pray that He would be patient with me. Pray with me, my dear friends in faith, that we may become Christ's witnesses in our workplace (even if most of the time, life is a bitch).

May you walk with me hand-in-hand, and together, let us walk amidst the ungodly world towards God.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord,

"Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and on your own understanding rely not;

In all your ways be mindful of Him,

and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

_________________

P.S.

I realized that I prayed about this job last September 2012. The job I was praying for was different than this, but to my surprise, I like this job a thousandfold more than that job I was praying for. Thank God, and glory be to Him! This job is the answer to the prayer I asked God last September, and this job is actually better than what I originally asked for. Truly, omnia in bonum (everything is for the good). I am humbled and enthralled by His graciousness. His goodness is unfathomable. Every time He answers my prayers, He humbles me.

The fingerprint, the zebra and the snowflake.

The fingerprint is an amazing feature in the anatomy of humans. Most fingerprints seem identical in our eyes; yet it has been proven that no two fingerprints are alike.

The same goes with the stripes in a zebra. They all seem the same to us; yet every stripe is unique. Thus, no two zebras are alike.

Also, it is the same with snowflakes; they all have the same basic form and shape, but if you look closely at their intricacies, you will realize that each snowflake is different. No two snowflakes are alike.

See how our perception deceives us? There are many things in life that, at the first glance, seem ordinary; things that look like they merely blend in with others; things that seem indistinct when compared with the rest of their kind.

It is a valid temptation (and a persistent one indeed) to think that I do not matter as an individual; after all, there are millions of people who are identical to, even better than me. The company I work in can easily replace me in the event that I resign. A lover whom I left would find it a piece of cake to find another lover even more beautiful than me. My friends and family might weep a little over my loss, but would eventually move on without me. My demise would be barely noticed by the world; I would be "just another girl" who was born, who lived, and passed away.

Thus, I have asked God numerous times: what difference does it make that I am here? In the sea of people who keep competing against one another, do I have a role? What's the point of striving so hard, if there will always be someone out there better than me?

But the most consoling counter-argument to this is the fact that no matter how tiny and insignificant I am, somebody as big as the Lord of all creation sees me. In fact, He knows all details about me. He does not see me as "just another somebody"; He knows how unique I am.

People see me as just another fingerprint; but God can see through me; thus, He sees my uniqueness from all the other fingerprints. He sees my every fiber and says, "That is My child, whose personality I planned perfectly, and whom I single out among the rest."

To everybody's eyes, my life is just another stripe of black and white, like that of a zebra; but God sorts out beyond the black and white, unearths the intricate pattern, and loves me for that unique pattern.

While I lament on my ordinariness, there is God watching me, admiring the little snowflake that I am. He is there, hoping that I would realize that I must see myself the way He sees me.

"O what is man that you are mindful of him?" (Hebrews 2:6) Indeed, we are but a little speck in the vast universe of God. Therefore, it is mind-boggling and overwhelming to think that we would be noticed by, who else, but the Creator of all of these. Would he be interested with all our tiny troubles?

But He would, because to His eyes, we are special. And we shall be enthralled and humbled and forever thankful of this truth.

May we always remember that we are a fingerprint, a zebra, and a snowflake: carefully planned, unique, beautiful and special. May we see ourselves as creatures with worth and dignity, as the Lord so lovingly sees us. And may we use our uniqueness to harmonize with the rest of His children, so that His Name may be glorified in all the ends of the earth. Because if we are created "in the image and likeness" of God (cf. Genesis 1:26), then how beautiful are we indeed!

Drawing the line.

 I can't seem to draw the line between getting more mature and losing the zeal in life.

At times I find myself getting unexcited by the things I would have been excited about if I were seventeen. I seldom laugh my heart out, cry my heart out, get surprised and scared. A few years back, I would have been easily moved. But now, at times I find myself disinterested, tepid, noncommital, grouchy, unenthusiastic and downright apathetic. It's almost as if I'm a walking zombie.

Maturity and lukewarmness in life seem mixed-up to me; honestly, I don't know how to draw the line. How do I know if my eagerness in life is still here? How do I make sure I'm getting "more mature", but without losing my youthfulness?

What if I just don't notice it, but in my pursuit of maturity, I have already missed the fervor of life? What if in my efforts to blend in with the world of grown-ups, I have left the youth in me? What if trying hard to survive as an adult, I have killed my inner child?

Have I gotten too exhausted with figuring out the intricacies of life, that I failed to enjoy its simplicity? Have I been earnestly chasing money and career and identity, but in the midst of it all, left behind the joy of the chase? Have I been awfully old at heart? Have I turned bitter and terrible?

I want to get in touch again with the naive, carefree, childlike part of me; that part of me seems sound asleep. I wish to bring back the zeal and the joy. I want to wake up with no worries about what will happen today. I want to laugh until I hurt my belly; I want to cry for the silliest reasons; I want to yell my lungs out at the slightest startle... just like how I was a few years back.

But at the same time, I wish to retain the wisdom of growing up I have gained. I want to remain calm and composed; I want to be sturdy in adversities; I want to be in control; I want to be in charge. I wish to remain mature, sensible and sagacious.

Is it possible to grow yet un-grow? Can I mature and yet remain a child? Can I become one and still be the other? Can I get the best of both worlds?

My dear friends, help me draw the line. The grown-up part in me says it is but a little bother, but the child in me says that the sorrow stings like hell.

The unsolicited gift (2)

Is there some level of truth to the movie Inception? Probably. The fact that ideas can be planted in one's mind while one is asleep cannot be true for humans (at least for now), but it is true and possible with God.

God pre-planted the idea of Himself in the mind of everybody. Whether He did it while we were asleep or while we were in our mother's womb or in some other instance, we cannot know. But the only certain thing is this: the idea of God is deeply planted in our instincts since the dawn of time.

Why is it necessary for God to pre-plant this idea in us? Why are we the only species that possesses this concept of God? Why didn't He plant it in the minds of animals and other organisms? I can think of only one reason: humans have a special purpose to serve, and this "God instinct" serves as our compass in life.

This God instinct must be the guiding concept that humans need to navigate through the complexities of life. It does not mean that humans are just supposed to blindly follow this intuition of God, or the "I feel that God exists, therefore He does" attitude; rather, it pushes man to seek the Truth about God, in order that God may reveal Himself to him.

In reality, we would not have known God if it were not His initiative to reveal Himself to us. The greatness, majesty and glory of God (not to mention His three divine Persons) are too mind-boggling and overwhelming for humans to comprehend; this is one limitation of the small chunk of meat in our heads. Simply put, we cannot fathom Him in all His fullness, even if we combine all our minds together.

But in retrospect, the story did not stop there. He did not intend His children to be forever puzzled whether or not there is a God; He did not intend to surprise us when we die and say "Voila! I do exist!"; He did not leave us orphans by hiding His face to humanity. God is not just a God of all majesty and grandeur; He is, above all, The God of Love. God is a God who reveals himself. And so in order for man to love God, he ought to know Him first. "God is not ashamed to be called their God; indeed, he has prepared a city for them" (Heb 11:16).

It is for this reason that God revealed Himself to man through the course of time, as attested by the heroes of our faith in the old and new testaments. From generation to generation, God made a gradual revelation of Himself. All our brethren in the Old Testament - Adam to Noah, to Abraham, to Isaac and Jacob, to David, to Isaiah, and then on and on to John the Baptizer... laid down and foreshadowed the God, the Messiah who is to come. In the fullness of time, this revelation of His being was finally consummated - through Jesus Christ, the Second Person of the Triune God. "But when the fullness of time came, God sent his Son. He came born of woman and subject to the Law " (Galatians 4:4). In that perfect moment, He came down on earth, humbled Himself by being born on a manger, lived in silence, preached, healed, made miracles, and finally, allowed some rude men to pierce His hands and feet.

After Christ's time, the fullness of God has been unveiled; now we cannot say anymore that God is anonymous to us and that He cannot relate to us (or we to Him). It is He Himself who made the Spirit truly alive. Now God has revealed His face; now Spirit and matter are in harmony. "In him and under him God wanted to unite, when the fullness of time had come, everything in heaven and on earth" (Ephesians 1:10).

And so this is the overwhelming Truth (with a bold and loud capital T) that He has revealed to us. It is so comforting to think that He (in human terms) "went through all the hassle" in order to save a race that is called humanity. This Truth is almost unfathomable, indeed a mysterium fidei (mystery of faith). Only when we let the Spirit lead us where He wills shall we fully understand His mystery; only when we give in to this idea He "incepted" to us shall we find purpose and everlasting joy.


"Faith is the assurance of the things hoped for,the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)

The unsolicited gift.

Humans are skeptical beings. They tend to find empirical evidence before believing in something, and that evidence must be verified a couple more times before its authenticity is validated.

The concept of Faith seems foolish to man. It defies man's tendencies: to find evidences they can see or touch, to appear 'rational' to others, and to succumb to a higher Authority (which he does not even see!). To some people, this act of succumbing is the deal-breaker; the concept of a higher Authority whom they must follow seems unthinkable to them that they are left with only one choice: to deny His existence and live as a soulless being who shall perish with the world.

Therefore, Faith must be something divine. We will not be capable of having Faith if this Faith is not given by God Himself. Faith is not something we "struggle" to acquire; it is an unanticipated, unsolicited, and at most times, undeserved gift. If we have even a little flicker of this gift, we remain connected to God.

Man has always thirsted for a genesis - an explanation on how things, including himself, came to be. He is boggled by the past and the future. And even if he does not know it, and no matter how hard he denies it, his mind shall forever brew this idea that there must be a higher Authority.

The only way to quench this thirst of God is to surrender to it; otherwise, you will get tired of running away from the Truth. This very act of acknowledging His Lordship is the first step to Faith. This is the first of the thousand steps in your relationship to God. This relationship, when nurtured, shall consume your being, greater and greater until this relationship becomes all that matters to you. It shall matter the most, and it should, because in reality, it is indeed the only thing that matters in the end.

While you constantly resist the Authority, you reject the gift of Faith that He had long sewn in your heart. Only by acknowledging His Lordship shall the thirst of the purpose of life be quenched; only by submitting to Him shall one become at peace with the present, past and future. For while a great part of man denies this submission to God, there is a small, whispering part of him that longs for this submission.

With this note, let me share with you a beautiful excerpt from the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which so wonderfully summarizes this blog:

27 The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for:

The dignity of man rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion with God. This invitation to converse with God is addressed to man as soon as he comes into being. For if man exists it is because God has created him through love, and through love continues to hold him in existence. He cannot live fully according to truth unless he freely acknowledges that love and entrusts himself to his creator.

28 In many ways, throughout history down to the present day, men have given expression to their quest for God in their religious beliefs and behavior: in their prayers, sacrifices, rituals, meditations, and so forth. These forms of religious expression, despite the ambiguities they often bring with them, are so universal that one may well call man a religious being:

From one ancestor [God] made all nations to inhabit the whole earth, and he allotted the times of their existence and the boundaries of the places where they would live, so that they would search for God and perhaps grope for him and find him - though indeed he is not far from each one of us. For "in him we live and move and have our being."

29 But this "intimate and vital bond of man to God" (GS 19 § 1) can be forgotten, overlooked, or even explicitly rejected by man.3 Such attitudes can have different causes: revolt against evil in the world; religious ignorance or indifference; the cares and riches of this world; the scandal of bad example on the part of believers; currents of thought hostile to religion; finally, that attitude of sinful man which makes him hide from God out of fear and flee his call.

30 "Let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice." Although man can forget God or reject him, He never ceases to call every man to seek him, so as to find life and happiness. But this search for God demands of man every effort of intellect, a sound will, "an upright heart", as well as the witness of others who teach him to seek God.

You are great, O Lord, and greatly to be praised: great is your power and your wisdom is without measure. And man, so small a part of your creation, wants to praise you: this man, though clothed with mortality and bearing the evidence of sin and the proof that you withstand the proud. Despite everything, man, though but a small a part of your creation, wants to praise you. You yourself encourage him to delight in your praise, for you have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.

_______________________________

(This blog is inspired by the latest encyclical of our Holy Fathers, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI and Pope Francis, Lumen Fidei. I cannot describe how deeply moved I am by their writing. Read the encyclical here.)