Drawing the line.

 I can't seem to draw the line between getting more mature and losing the zeal in life.

At times I find myself getting unexcited by the things I would have been excited about if I were seventeen. I seldom laugh my heart out, cry my heart out, get surprised and scared. A few years back, I would have been easily moved. But now, at times I find myself disinterested, tepid, noncommital, grouchy, unenthusiastic and downright apathetic. It's almost as if I'm a walking zombie.

Maturity and lukewarmness in life seem mixed-up to me; honestly, I don't know how to draw the line. How do I know if my eagerness in life is still here? How do I make sure I'm getting "more mature", but without losing my youthfulness?

What if I just don't notice it, but in my pursuit of maturity, I have already missed the fervor of life? What if in my efforts to blend in with the world of grown-ups, I have left the youth in me? What if trying hard to survive as an adult, I have killed my inner child?

Have I gotten too exhausted with figuring out the intricacies of life, that I failed to enjoy its simplicity? Have I been earnestly chasing money and career and identity, but in the midst of it all, left behind the joy of the chase? Have I been awfully old at heart? Have I turned bitter and terrible?

I want to get in touch again with the naive, carefree, childlike part of me; that part of me seems sound asleep. I wish to bring back the zeal and the joy. I want to wake up with no worries about what will happen today. I want to laugh until I hurt my belly; I want to cry for the silliest reasons; I want to yell my lungs out at the slightest startle... just like how I was a few years back.

But at the same time, I wish to retain the wisdom of growing up I have gained. I want to remain calm and composed; I want to be sturdy in adversities; I want to be in control; I want to be in charge. I wish to remain mature, sensible and sagacious.

Is it possible to grow yet un-grow? Can I mature and yet remain a child? Can I become one and still be the other? Can I get the best of both worlds?

My dear friends, help me draw the line. The grown-up part in me says it is but a little bother, but the child in me says that the sorrow stings like hell.