Waiting in line.

Again Jesus said to them, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you." After saying this he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit; for those whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven; for those whose sins you retain, they are retained. - John 20:21-23

That particular waiting area outside the confession box is a crucial place. Based on my experience, the hardest part of undergoing the Sacrament of Reconciliation is not the confession itself, but waiting in line for the confession.

Everytime I go to confession (and believe me, it is less frequent than you think), I get jitters waiting on the line to the confession box. My mind would go overboard. It would think one or a few of the following:

1. My sins are so severe. God can never forgive me for this.
2. My sins are not that severe. There's really no need to avail of the sacrament. (I might be bipolar :p)
3. It wretches my ego to tell someone about my innermost secrets. And that someone is also a sinner like me, so what's the point?
4. The priest might scold me. How shameful would it be!
5. The priest would be uninterested to hear my story. He has heard it a thousand times.

And so on.

My mind goes on almost paranoid mode before confession. Add to those items my fears, such as "what if I miss or forget one major sin, and make my confession invalid?" or "what if this is the same priest I encountered in my last confession, and he remembers my sins and gets mad at me for committing them again?" or simply "what if I fail in this confession?"

The waiting area outside the confession box is both a comfortable and uncomfortable place. In that area, I find consolation: people who are as wounded as I am, waiting in line, seeking to be healed in this great infirmary that is the Church, through the great antidote that is the Sacrament, by the ultimate Healer that is Christ. How consoling it is to find a fellow sinner seeking the mercy of God!

But that area is uncomfortable for me too: in this place, all my transgressions are rubbed in so deeply to my conscience. The image of the crucified Christ is a few feet away; it reminds me of the price He have paid  for the offenses I put in my list. Add to the discomfort the uneasiness, the doubts, and the second thoughts of not going to confession at all.

My confession last Wednesday is well-etched on my memory; it was not any ordinary confession (Correction: no confession is ordinary. For grace is always extraordinary!). I started crying while waiting in line for my turn. I don't usually do this! Never, never have I cried like this in confession.

It dawned on me that on the other side of the confessional, the one waiting for me is not just a priest, but CHRIST Himself. He is on the other side of the confessional, and at the same time beside me on my side of the confessional. While He very compassionately listens to my sins, He is actually near me, embracing me. The thought that struck me the most is the fact that confessing my sins to Him is like giving Him His death sentence. "Jesus, I did this, and that. I am sorry." To which He replies, "You are forgiven. Now hold the hammer and start crucifying Me, and I will die in your place."

Reflecting about this while waiting for my turn in the confessional made me shed a few tears. It still sends me shivers down my spine.

Pope Francis told us not to get tired of asking for forgiveness, for He never tires of forgiving us. Let us always avail of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Let us be truly sorry for our sins and find ways on how not to commit them again. May we always pray for each other as we struggle in the path of holiness. All for the greater glory of God!

Worst advice ever.

"Do whatever makes you happy" is probably the worst advice one could ever give.

We don't merely do what makes us happy; we ought to do WHAT IS RIGHT. Doing just whatever makes you happy leads you to countless undiscerned, selfish decisions in life.

If cheating with your girlfriend is what makes you happy, will you do it? If aborting that little "clot of blood" in your womb shall make you happy by guaranteeing you a better, undistracted life, will you do it? In these cases, if you just "follow your heart" and do what makes you happy, isn't that too selfish of you?

We don't base decisions on what will make us happy; we always consider the greater good.. Choosing what is right is regardless of our fleeting emotions. We ought to discern if our decisions are right or wrong. Sometimes, most of the time, the right thing hurts. But we ought to do it, because we can always be sure that the Good Lord is just and merciful and He rewards good deeds; something good will come out of it in His most perfect time.

Jesus never said "do whatever makes you happy." On the contrary, He actually suggested, no, commanded, the opposite! "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If you want to follow me, deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24). Is God a masochist? No, of course not. He definitely wants us to be happy, but unfortunately, that happiness is not of the world. That inexplicable joy that He promised is to be with Him forever in that Place where there is pure love and no pain. In the meantime, we shouldn't be too happy in this world so severely, or else, we will get attached to it.

If Jesus merely did whatever makes Him happy, He could and would have not died two thousand years ago. If He followed His fleeting emotion, He would have "let this chalice pass," (cf. Luke 22:42). The gates of heaven would have been forever locked on us.

But doing what is right can be painful. It should be painful. Jesus took the greatest pain from doing the most righteous thing. Therefore, we ought to share His pain by doing the right thing, too.

______________

"We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him, whom he has called according to his plan." (Romans 8:28)

February 28, 2013.

Ah, Feb 28. On this day, two momentary and historical events will transpire in my life.

1. On Feb 28, the Universal Church will be having no pope. I am talking about Pope Benedict XVI's renouncing of his papal office. Due to health reasons, he decided to step down. I felt sad hearing the news. I didn't even believe it at first. "The Pope will resign? What kind of prank is that?" was my initial reaction. Of course, it was the first time for hundreds of years. It's really sad. I felt spiritually orphaned.

2. On Feb 28, I will be having no job. See, last week, I filed a formal resignation that will be effective on the 28th. You probably already know my struggles as I blogged about it here. So my resignation is quite self-explanatory.


Will Feb 28 be a blessed day for both me and my beloved Pope Benedict.

The unfulfillment.

I will be honest. I find it hard to tell anyone about this predicament I've been having, let alone publish it in a blog. It seems difficult to share *this* part of me to you, dear reader.

But you know, I now realize how important it is for Christians to be 'witnesses' of our faith (cf. Acts 10:42). This sharing of selves by Christians strengthen our faith in Him and our fellowship with one another. Of course, to be an effective witness, I must disclose my troubles too. No matter how little and light this burden is, it still burdens me, and so I now share it to you and hope that you pray for me.

I feel...sad.

But not the I'm-gonna-go-back-to-being-emo kind of sad. Not even the I'm-gonna-cry kind of sad.

So what kind of sadness is this?

Since August after my contract ended, I've been a bummer. It was not my plan to be unemployed for a long time, but it seems that the *right* job for me continued to elude me. I kept filing applications for companies and agencies left and right. I was bummed for four months.

Okay, to be completely honest, I was slightly to blame for being bummed out. I eventually cancelled most of my applications because of the few select jobs I was really pining for. You know, the jobs that would ultimately satisfy my inner calling. Those jobs called me and interviewed me, and I thought the interviews turned out well. I hoped for the best. I begged to God for the things I hoped for.

Who would say no to a Catholic Foundation that is rooted in development communication? That is ultimately who I am - a Catholic and a devcom advocate! Who would say no to a position as a segment producer in a Catholic radio station? I would not mind travelling to and from their far office just to have that job. That's the dream... (You see, I have simple dreams.)

Those were my two outstanding applications. There are others that I really liked, but these are the ones I would fight in the Hunger Games for. For my application in the radio station, I cancelled two applications in (insert a university here) and (insert its rival university here). Both universities already offered me the job, but I was determined to chase my inner calling.

But if it's for you, no matter where all the twist and turns go, it will eventually lead back to you. Those jobs were not for me... At least for the meantime.

Last December, my bum days finally commenced: I was hired as a Publication Staff for a research and development foundation. In my joy, I heard trumpets and angels descending from heaven (hihi! Joke!). Finally, I get to do contribute something to the world and earn money.

But as you see, this job is far, way far from the calling I originally felt in my heart. Don't get me wrong; this job isn't actually bad at all. In fact, I am quite lucky: the work environment is good, the job is good, the pay is good, the schedule is excellent. But I must admit, everytime I think about that calling, the calling that is way waaaay apart from what I do, I feel kinda sad.

In my last blog, I told you that knowing God more and more is so overwhelming that if you don't tell it to the world, you're gonna burst. And that's exactly how I feel right now; I am about to burst.

I feel that God is constantly asking me to follow Him by responding to the call. But when I finally decide that I'm ready to follow, He holds me back. 

His attraction to my soul increases day after day. Sometimes, I cry and beg Him to show Himself to me, because I ache so much in this longing to be with Him (nuts? See my last blog). Everyday, I feel more and more that there is nothing more important to me than seeing His face (and that's why when I watched Les Mis, I cried myself out. I really long for Him).

I ache so much for Him. I couldn't wait anymore; I have to respond to His call.

But it seems that He attracts me and repels me at the same time. For the meantime, I have to "unfulfill" my inner calling - because I have to be at God's different work - R&D. It's a different ministry I never envisioned for myself, but nonetheless, there is a mission I have yet to accomplish here.

Unfulfilling my inner calling is sad... So sad that it's hard to accept where I ended up after the long chase of following the call. But I am not yet giving up on it; I know that in time, He will ultimately lead me to where I ought to be.

Dear reader, that is why I'm sad. But don't worry, It's a rough patch. I can make it through, because "when I am weak, I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10).

There, I disclosed a very personal story of me and that makes me a little vulnerable. But, finally talking about this makes me feel good somehow. I hope you didn't get bored, I know the blog is too long. Thank you reader. High five!

What a freak.

01-16-13 02:04PM

As some of you already know, I used to be "emo" during my first two years in college. But after a spiritual encounter that swept off my soul anew, I rediscovered how blessed I am.

I found out that there is a profound Love who loved me, and did it so greatly and graciously that I couldn't do anything about it, except to reciprocate that love.

People might think I'm nuts. In fact, they already do; they do believe "religion freaks" and "Jesus freaks" are, well, nuts. But religion freak and Jesus freak I am. That's who I am now, so haters gon' hate.

What those people do not realize is that if you just find out how God loves you and what He has done for you, you cannot simply shut up about it. I posted this on Facebook one time: Hindi mo talaga mako-contain ang pagmamahal ng Diyos; kakailanganin mo itong isabog sa mundo. The love that envelops your entire being becomes too strong that it cannot be kept inside; you must tell the world, or else you're gonna burst. "You are the light of the world. A city built on a mountain cannot be hidden" (Matt. 5:14).

And so, with much effort, I often try (sometimes succeed. Yeah, just sometimes) to incorporate my everyday life with that of my faith. I cannot be Catholic only every Sunday; I have to be a Catholic every single minute of my life, at all places, and in every fiber of my being. And I love it alright.

Slow and steady.

01-14-13 02:05PM

I feel like I'm hurrying to read a wonderful book with a happy ending; the ending is so exciting that I am tempted to skip all the way to it.

But then, the pages turn in their own pace.

On learning and living.

02:27PM

I am amazed at myself. I have been so so so lazy to write. Lots of ideas are running in the little meat in my head, but when I start to pick my ballpen up or open Notepad in my laptop, something keeps me... I must have been really timid these days, or too distracted by so many clutters.

I am new in the office; right now I am trying to survive the adjustment period. My learning curve is steep... I learn things here in my slow, steady pace, like an infant learning her first crawl.

--

Twenty-one is young. Back in high school, I thought that when I hit this age, I'd be old. I thought I could even get married.

Being in this office with people in their thirties, forties and fifties, it sank in to me that I am still at the dawn of life. And, getting married? Nah, forget it. That's the farthest thing on my mind right now. (-_-) I still have to experience and learn a lot of things. it thrills me and terrifies me at the same time.