The unfulfillment.

I will be honest. I find it hard to tell anyone about this predicament I've been having, let alone publish it in a blog. It seems difficult to share *this* part of me to you, dear reader.

But you know, I now realize how important it is for Christians to be 'witnesses' of our faith (cf. Acts 10:42). This sharing of selves by Christians strengthen our faith in Him and our fellowship with one another. Of course, to be an effective witness, I must disclose my troubles too. No matter how little and light this burden is, it still burdens me, and so I now share it to you and hope that you pray for me.

I feel...sad.

But not the I'm-gonna-go-back-to-being-emo kind of sad. Not even the I'm-gonna-cry kind of sad.

So what kind of sadness is this?

Since August after my contract ended, I've been a bummer. It was not my plan to be unemployed for a long time, but it seems that the *right* job for me continued to elude me. I kept filing applications for companies and agencies left and right. I was bummed for four months.

Okay, to be completely honest, I was slightly to blame for being bummed out. I eventually cancelled most of my applications because of the few select jobs I was really pining for. You know, the jobs that would ultimately satisfy my inner calling. Those jobs called me and interviewed me, and I thought the interviews turned out well. I hoped for the best. I begged to God for the things I hoped for.

Who would say no to a Catholic Foundation that is rooted in development communication? That is ultimately who I am - a Catholic and a devcom advocate! Who would say no to a position as a segment producer in a Catholic radio station? I would not mind travelling to and from their far office just to have that job. That's the dream... (You see, I have simple dreams.)

Those were my two outstanding applications. There are others that I really liked, but these are the ones I would fight in the Hunger Games for. For my application in the radio station, I cancelled two applications in (insert a university here) and (insert its rival university here). Both universities already offered me the job, but I was determined to chase my inner calling.

But if it's for you, no matter where all the twist and turns go, it will eventually lead back to you. Those jobs were not for me... At least for the meantime.

Last December, my bum days finally commenced: I was hired as a Publication Staff for a research and development foundation. In my joy, I heard trumpets and angels descending from heaven (hihi! Joke!). Finally, I get to do contribute something to the world and earn money.

But as you see, this job is far, way far from the calling I originally felt in my heart. Don't get me wrong; this job isn't actually bad at all. In fact, I am quite lucky: the work environment is good, the job is good, the pay is good, the schedule is excellent. But I must admit, everytime I think about that calling, the calling that is way waaaay apart from what I do, I feel kinda sad.

In my last blog, I told you that knowing God more and more is so overwhelming that if you don't tell it to the world, you're gonna burst. And that's exactly how I feel right now; I am about to burst.

I feel that God is constantly asking me to follow Him by responding to the call. But when I finally decide that I'm ready to follow, He holds me back. 

His attraction to my soul increases day after day. Sometimes, I cry and beg Him to show Himself to me, because I ache so much in this longing to be with Him (nuts? See my last blog). Everyday, I feel more and more that there is nothing more important to me than seeing His face (and that's why when I watched Les Mis, I cried myself out. I really long for Him).

I ache so much for Him. I couldn't wait anymore; I have to respond to His call.

But it seems that He attracts me and repels me at the same time. For the meantime, I have to "unfulfill" my inner calling - because I have to be at God's different work - R&D. It's a different ministry I never envisioned for myself, but nonetheless, there is a mission I have yet to accomplish here.

Unfulfilling my inner calling is sad... So sad that it's hard to accept where I ended up after the long chase of following the call. But I am not yet giving up on it; I know that in time, He will ultimately lead me to where I ought to be.

Dear reader, that is why I'm sad. But don't worry, It's a rough patch. I can make it through, because "when I am weak, I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10).

There, I disclosed a very personal story of me and that makes me a little vulnerable. But, finally talking about this makes me feel good somehow. I hope you didn't get bored, I know the blog is too long. Thank you reader. High five!

What a freak.

01-16-13 02:04PM

As some of you already know, I used to be "emo" during my first two years in college. But after a spiritual encounter that swept off my soul anew, I rediscovered how blessed I am.

I found out that there is a profound Love who loved me, and did it so greatly and graciously that I couldn't do anything about it, except to reciprocate that love.

People might think I'm nuts. In fact, they already do; they do believe "religion freaks" and "Jesus freaks" are, well, nuts. But religion freak and Jesus freak I am. That's who I am now, so haters gon' hate.

What those people do not realize is that if you just find out how God loves you and what He has done for you, you cannot simply shut up about it. I posted this on Facebook one time: Hindi mo talaga mako-contain ang pagmamahal ng Diyos; kakailanganin mo itong isabog sa mundo. The love that envelops your entire being becomes too strong that it cannot be kept inside; you must tell the world, or else you're gonna burst. "You are the light of the world. A city built on a mountain cannot be hidden" (Matt. 5:14).

And so, with much effort, I often try (sometimes succeed. Yeah, just sometimes) to incorporate my everyday life with that of my faith. I cannot be Catholic only every Sunday; I have to be a Catholic every single minute of my life, at all places, and in every fiber of my being. And I love it alright.

Slow and steady.

01-14-13 02:05PM

I feel like I'm hurrying to read a wonderful book with a happy ending; the ending is so exciting that I am tempted to skip all the way to it.

But then, the pages turn in their own pace.

On learning and living.

02:27PM

I am amazed at myself. I have been so so so lazy to write. Lots of ideas are running in the little meat in my head, but when I start to pick my ballpen up or open Notepad in my laptop, something keeps me... I must have been really timid these days, or too distracted by so many clutters.

I am new in the office; right now I am trying to survive the adjustment period. My learning curve is steep... I learn things here in my slow, steady pace, like an infant learning her first crawl.

--

Twenty-one is young. Back in high school, I thought that when I hit this age, I'd be old. I thought I could even get married.

Being in this office with people in their thirties, forties and fifties, it sank in to me that I am still at the dawn of life. And, getting married? Nah, forget it. That's the farthest thing on my mind right now. (-_-) I still have to experience and learn a lot of things. it thrills me and terrifies me at the same time.

One step out of the comfort zone.

01:54PM

Today, I was oriented about my job - Publication Staff for a scientific journal. It doesn't seem too tough, although the task of constantly asking people to submit materials for the paper is not very much my forte. Aside from that, I have to do other activities in the office as well, such as managing our website, writing letters and minutes of meetings, and a little accounting too (numbers! aaaaaah!).

Whew. I hope I can do all these things. Of course. there is (and has always been) a faint voice in me that says I can't. The tasks, in a way, terrify me. But knowing myself, this has always been my pattern whenever I'm faced with something unfamiliar. And, unlike the past, coward me, I won't let these thoughts turn me down.

New things alienate me. No, they terrify me. Being outside my comfort zone is, well, uncomfortable. But I could never run away from change - it is constant, and sooner or later I'm gonna have to deal with it, no matter how much I resist. All I have to do is accept and embrace it. Because if I don't, will I ever grow?

Finally, an encouraging quote from my favorite Catholic apologist: "Only when we cease to rely on our own strength can we discover that God's strength is always with us." - Scott Hahn

Pre-birthday jitters. Just kidding, I have no jitters.

12/13/12 11:30pm

Thirty minutes from now, I am turning 22.

This year, I don't want to make my birthday a big deal. I have plans to go out - file a police clearance, photocopy some papers, jog for at least an hour, and have a little date with the Lord in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. If possible, I might attend a choral concert before the day ends.

I might even prefer quiet celebrations than loud surprise parties at this point; I think I may have outgrown these practices. Or maybe I'm just not in the mood. Of course, the surprises are sweet and thoughtful, but they're not a necessity. No cake will be fine, no spaghetti will be fine, no fancy gifts will be fine. In fact, I anticipate it - a quiet birthday for a wimpy kid who grew a year older and gained a few pounds.

But nonetheless, I couldn't thank enough the very sweet people who remember my birthday and make an effort to greet. Of course, those who prepare special stuff for me are the most appreciated (those would be my family, my best friends, my lisyu family and the good souls who pray for me).

My wish? Well... Earlier this week, God already granted it. so I guess there's nothing else to do but to thank Him.

I thank the Lord for 22 years of unfailing love. 

I thank Him for giving me blessings, despite knowing how ungrateful I have been.

I thank Him for not giving up on me, though I said many times this year "Ayoko na po. Di ko na kaya." (Turned out I was just freakishly scared).

I thank Him for taking this tiny speck of dust in the universe called Mich, and breathing life into it. I thank Him for loving this girl, so excessively that He willed to die for her.

I thank Him for Mama, my spiritual mother who continues to lead me to the path to her Son.

I couldn't thank Him enough, that if I were to offer all the days of my life and repeat my life to offer it to Him all over again, it still wouldn't be enough.

And my only wish is for Him to use my life to glorify Him.

Twenty two years. And still, God's love never waivered.

Miserere.

If the desert is dry and sad
And the heat is just too deadly
I look up for the oasis
That comforts the weak and thirsty.

But what I find is endless sand
And in my hand, an empty cup
The spring is now nowhere to find
Maybe somehow, it just dried up.

Where on earth is this wondrous spring
That has always restored my zeal?
Where else can I find the spirit
In life that the spring made me feel?

Maybe the spring did not exist
Or maybe I am just too blind
Is this beautiful spring over
Or am I just too tired to find?