A song, a guitar, and a walk down memory lane.

"Feels like I took my last step, and my last breath in my life...


... My sun doesn't shine, without you."


Browsing YouTube for a song to play lead me to this song. This song that made me walk down that hurtful, or rather insightful, memory lane. We were acquaintances and we talked casually. I don't know what happened.  You had that certain charm that make girls go gaga. One day I just found myself falling for you. Falling damn hard that I looked forward to seeing you everyday.

This song is memorable to me because I heard you sing it. I showed you my guitar and you asked if it was mine. Then you played that song right on that bench, your voice not a popstarish one but sweet enough to melt my soul. I thought, oh how I wish that song is for me.

"Have you ever seen a flower that never bloomed? Seen a starless night without the moon?
Well that's me without you, so come back and turn my nights into day."

But just like everyone else in my life, you had to go. I had a little idea that you had to. Other than my friends' stories to me, I found no courage to ask your plans. I secretly prayed that you did not have to shift. It was hard knowing that you really wanted to go somewhere else, despite the fact that you were already happy here. Follow your dreams. Follow. Chase it. Don't give up. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. I had my biases. You know I never wanted you to go.

So you left, and I cried. It was painful that I never had the guts to tell you how I feel. Days, weeks, months passed. The pain lingered for so long. Then just like a natural scar, it healed slowly. On and on to my healing stage until the memory doesn't hurt.

Sometimes I wonder what my reaction will be if I pass you by on the street. Sometimes I still wish that I could talk to you face to face. But of course, those are just wishes. And parts of my wildest dreams.

Tugsh. My short note for today

"I never knew a man
Who'd give his life for sinners like me,
But yet because he loves us so,
He's promised us eternity

And we could have this promise and be His
If we have faith and just believe."

~Take Me Out of the Dark


TUGSH.

In the name of faith.

'Di mahulugang karayom' (no needle could fall to the ground). credits to lakbaylente.com

As I write this, I watch TV Patrol featuring a report on the Feast of the Black Nazarene. In this time of the year, thousands of devotees from all over the country (and maybe from abroad, we never know) come together to join the procession and "pahalik" of the Nazareno along the roads of Quiapo. For many, it has been a panata (vow) to join this procession. For others, they have a certain prayer that they lift up to the Poong Nazareno. All of these risks in the name of faith.

I could not imagine myself walking along the avalanche of people. For one, my asthma might kill me. I am also too short, so maybe all I could do is climb up a tree like Zacchaeus.

But trust in God is ultimately what drives these people to continue their panata every year. Even the 80-year old lolas and sick people join. Even celebrities! I am amazed at everyone. Before going to the procession, they are completely aware of their uncertain fate. Stepping in the streets of Quiapo comes all the risk of stampede and health dangers one might encounter.

All in the name of faith. This is how people in the Philippines show their devotion and worship to God. I am proud and thankful to be in a culture where people just express their faith freely. Even in the verge of danger,  their trust in God as the Ultimate Healer shine forth. I pray for a safe and fruitful paggunita of the Feast.

Laudate Dominum!

Hurts all the more.

It hurts all the more
When I have to give up.
It hurts all the more
When I am crying inside
And nobody knows.
It hurts all the more
When I have to suppress  the feelings.
It hurts all the more
When I need to get hurt
In order that someone would be happy.
It hurts all the more
When my heart wants to shout
But could only whisper to the wind.

That perplexing question.

ARGHHH. I CAN'T THINK OF SOMETHING TO BLOG!

The moody writer that I am.

______________________

What will happen in the next three months?

Will I be able to finish everything?

It's up to me.

And to HIM.

When escapism is not an option

I admit I am an escapist. When problems start to arise and I deem I cannot solve them, I run away like hell. I usually literally run away (I mean not exactly literal, I walk not run), like I go somewhere where I could be alone. Or I go to a friend to tell my headaches.

That is what I want to do now. Or at least I think. I want to run away now! Responsibilities start to haunt me. I could crack anytime on the pressure. Three months to go and my thesis should be done. Less than two months to go before the concert. And! My committee's way waaaay behind our schedule. It's my fault. My mishaps are all my fault. I have a lot of debt. Financial debt and time-debt (you know when you say to your friends 'I'll make it up to you'? That's time-debt. I have a lot of something like that promised to my friends). If burdens were food, I'd probably be throwing up.

Usually, people are in their comfort zone and they're ok with that. But right here right now, I admit I am not in my comfort zone due to these responsibilities I'm not really used to. I'm supposed to be OH SHOCKS I GOT DISTRACTED AND FORGOT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO WRITE, SO I GUESS I'LL SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH.

Speaking of comfort zone, whenever I'm being shaken out of my comfort zone, I tend to run away. But this time, I guess escapism is not an option. How could I possibly escape when I have a family waiting for me to get that diploma (THAT DIPLOMA! How dare you make it so hard for me)? How could I run away from an entire organization that needs me because of an essential task I hold in this concert we hold for Him? How about my job as a tutor? Will I ever be able to pay my debts if I don't work? I have a crappy schedule these days.

I am constantly being reminded by the story of Jonah. Jonah was an escapist too, so I guess he's my great great great great great grandfather to the nth level. When God sent him to proclaim judgment to Nineveh (thanks Wiki for helping me), instead of heading straight to the place, he decided to run away. He attempted to flee by ship, but God sent a great storm on the sea. The crews cast Jonah overboard to appease God's wrath (thanks again Wiki) and a gigantic sea creature swallowed him. He stayed inside the creature for three days and three nights, pondering over the runaway from God he attempted.

Am I on the same situation? Mandated by God for a lot of tasks but still resisting to take them. If I were Jonah, three hundred fishes could have swallowed me because of my stubbornness. But even if i want to escape from all of these, I know I can't; so I guess I'll have to pray for the gift of long-suffering.

I wish to take this yoke because I could be totally sure that I won't carry it alone. I wish to take the cross because I love the One who carried it for me before. No matter how far I am from that ultimate desire to feel His pain, I still want to go nearer and nearer until I could almost feel the nails on my hands and feet.

Pray with me that I would never run from my tasks again. Because I could never be an escapist for the rest of my life. Somehow, somewhere, I know I got to face it all. So help me God.

Sakit e. Sulat lang ako para mabawasan yung sakit.

There are people who come to your life once in a while. And after that, they're gone forever.Then there are people who come, go, return, walk away again, and repeat the cycle until you get tired. Still there are people who come into your life and stay for good, this is good.

But the people I'm pissed off right now are those who become one of your best friends, talk to you everyday, share meals with you, text you whatever, and then snob you all of a sudden. He or she does not tell you if he or she's angry or bored with you. You're left wondering what you have done wrong. It's paranoia in your part.

Bottomline, I'm really pissed right now. I don't know how to release this tension. I don't want to cry! For some reasons, I've become tired crying. But then, I want to tell someone. But who's gonna listen? Nobody listens. Nobody is interested to hear anything from me. So I guess I'll just let it all out in the blog.

Why the cold shoulder? Alam ko marami akong pagkukulang. Marami akong hindi kayang gawin. Marami akong pagkakamali. Pero bakit ganito ang trato niya sa akin? Makina ba ako na papansinin niya lang kung may kailangan siya?


Sorry. Wala akong mapagsabihan ng problema ngayon. Melancholic talaga ako. Para na akong sasabog ngayon.


Nangingilid na ang luha ko. Pero bawal umiyak. Sa mundong ito, ang mga umiiyak ay lalong kinakawawa. Once you've shed that tear, you're a loser. I don't want to be one. I want to be strong. Just this one time.


Buti na lang marunong akong magsulat. Kahit paano, may outlet ako. Kung hindi ako nagsulat ngayon, baka kung saan ko nailabas ang tensyon na ito.


Bakit ko nga ba siya poproblemahin kung wala naman siyang pakialam sa mga tao sa paligid niya? Duh, edi wala na lang pakialamanan. Nakakapagod ring magmahal (not in a romantic sense).


Ang Diyos, hindi napapagod magmahal. Mahal pa rin Niya ako kahit ano pang kasamaang ginawa at gagawin ko. Pero tao lang ako. Gustuhin ko mang gayahin ang Diyos sa wagas Niyang pagmamahal, mukhang hindi ko pa kaya yung talagang magmahal nang walang hinihinging kapalit (again, not in a romantic sense). Pwede bang tumigil na muna sa pagmamahal? Pwede bang mag- time out sa pagkalinga at pag-intindi ng kapwa? Pagod na kasi ako. Wala namang pagmamahal na bumabalik. Bigay lang ako ng bigay. Eh ako, kailan ko kaya mararamdaman na mahal rin ako ng mga taong mahal ko?


Ano kayang nararamdaman ni Hesus kapag nasasaktan ko Siya? Ako nga ngayon, wasak na. Siya pa kaya? Sa tuwing idedeny Siya ng mga tao? Sa tuwing lalayo sila sa Diyos?


Buti na lang, may nag-iisa na lang na totoong nagmamahal sa akin. Buti na lang nandyan Ka. Thank you for keeping my sanity. Kahit i-reject ako ng mga tao, ayos lang basta alam kong namatay Ka para sa akin sa krus. Ok na ako basta andyan Ka. Yun nga lang, nasaktan ako. Pero ayos lang, try ko na ring maging okey.