I wanna be a donkey.*

There was a donkey that lived thousands of years ago. Most of the time, people would use him to ride on while travelling. He would happily have the people ride on his back, and he would take them to wherever they intended to go.

One day, a tall and well-composed man decided to ride on his back. As they reached the gates of Jerusalem, more people gathered on their way. The crowd spread their cloaks on the street. They gathered palm leaves and waited for their arrival. The donkey was thrilled to see how the people welcomed them.

When they passed by, the crowd cheered them and waved their palms. Oh, how happy was this donkey! He had never caught this much attention by anyone. And it is happening now.

However, after a few moments, Jesus was not riding on his back anymore. The people stopped rejoicing. No one was noticing the donkey again. He was dismayed that he asked his mother donkey, "Why is the crowd like that, mom? Why did they stop hailing me?"

Mother donkey creased her head, while saying, "Are you out of your mind, son? They were praising not you but the One who rode on your back. Without Christ, you are nothing."

___________

Oh, how I wish I were the donkey in the story. I wish to be a servant of Christ by serving my purpose in this world, just as the donkey fulfilled his purpose by having Jesus ride on his back.

How I wish I were as nothing as the donkey. He was empty-handed, but when Jesus rode on his back, it felt as if he was at the top of the world. I wish that Jesus would use me that way, too, so that His glory would manifest greatly. I wish to shrink myself so deeply in order that Someone more glorious, holy and deserving would excel out of me.

I wish to recognize that like the donkey, without Christ, I am nothing; that I could never attribute even a small accomplishment to me, because I could not do anything in my own efforts. All goodness comes from the Sole Provider, and in reality i do not possess anything, even my own self. I wish to be remembered that when God ceases to ride on my back, I would return to the nothing that I came from. I want to be least of all donkeys because it is in this littleness that the Rider would be hailed the most by His people.

I want to be a donkey. How about you? c:

*inspired by a homily by Fr. Thor Villacarlos

Graduation thoughts 1: That inner calling

I have an inner calling. Inner calling means that deep in my heart, God is calling me for this vocation. I can clearly say that this an inner calling because, first, when I do it, I feel that I am perfectly designed for this work. I can do it without sweat, I get positive feedback from people for this work, I do it regularly even if no one pays me. I feel that I am meant to do this for the rest of my life. Second, I feel a profound, joyful bliss when I do it. You can just lock me up in an empty room for a week and have me do it, and I will survive.  Finally, when I do it, I feel that God is at work within me, and that brings about great fulfillment.

Okay, I will tell what "it" is. It is writing. I have been in the choir, in theater plays, in the press, in the field gathering data and in the academic institution, but nothing beats the moment when I am in solace, writing stuff in my notebook or tinkering with my laptop. In college, when I discovered blogs, I had to sign up for one immediately. I even took Journalism as my major during my sophomore year, although that is completely a different story.

When I write, I become friends with words. I have to write a lot about my thoughts, dreams, pains, and especially my fears. I especially highlight fears because I tend to write when I am afraid. I am afraid mostly of the future. During my first semester in UP, I had to write a lot. Also, when I became part of the Execom of the ministry in which I am a member, I wrote a lot about my fears. Writing became my refuge, the comfort zone of such a melancholic as I.

I do not have anything to write about politics, biology and math. I don't have much in my head for academic stuff. Also, my grammar is a little bad. But I do have some few inspirations - my being a Christian, my experiences in the Catholic faith, my personal relationship with Jesus, and the healthy relationships I have with people that are also rooted in Jesus. I do not have much, but I have Jesus! He is everything I have. Therefore I can write about Him.

Writing is my inner calling. And writing for God is my ultimate dream. I feel that God is calling me for this purpose. I even think that my writings in high school were a preparatory step for a greater calling in this field. So great is this calling that wraps my heart. I am enthralled and excited by my dreams. I know that God, in time, will lead me to the right direction where I can fully fulfill this longing.  I am constantly hoping for it.

Oh, the things we do for love.

1. Love is that moment when it's late at night and the husband is sleepy, but then his pregnant wife asks him to buy food outside. He's about to get pissed but instead, he runs outside and gets her request.

2. A husband cheats on his wife and ran away from home to live with his girl. Love is when she comes to him in the girl's house to give him medicine because he was sick.

3. Love is that moment when a girl waited for a guy for lunch, but he kept her waiting until 3pm. Upon arrival, he told her that he just finished having lunch with someone. In extreme hunger, she replied, "It's okay."

4. Love is when a mother feels so sleepy at 11pm but still chose to sew the torn jeans of her daughter who will fly to LB the next day.

5. Love is when that same mother forgives her husband who had cheated her for countless times.

6. Love is when that same mother sent another set of money for her daughter after the daughter just lost her wallet.

Because I truly believe that love is action. Love is giving. Love is SACRIFICE.

PS. These are real stories from people I know.

I hope I won't forget this song.

Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must have spent...
A little more time on you.

Missing the music.

My throat isn't okay for how many weeks now.

I couldn't sing. Well, I could sing a few pop songs but I cannot let out my usual soprano voice. I've been missing a few choir practices and I could not go up the choir loft because I could produce no good voice.

I miss singing. Badly.

For now, let me listen to the songs I used to sing.

St. Blase, ora pro nobis.

Bejeweled.

I realize that life is similar to the game Bejeweled. Every move I do affects all the other jewels. The arrangement of other jewels will be depending on how I move just one jewel. Everything is interrelated. This holds true looking through the lens of ecology.

If I leave the house at 8am, it will not be the same as when I leave at 8:05. My passing in UP meant that a slot in Devcom was given to me and if I did not take the slot, someone would have done it in replacement of me. This is how life goes. In every decision I do, someone will be affected. My actions have a ripple effect on humanity, and might even affect eternity.

Wag na tayong mag-Alay Musika!

I love asking God "why?" Kung sa bawat tanong ko ng bakit ay may bente pesos na natatanggap ang Diyos, siguro meron nang avalanche ng bente sa langit.

Pero iyon pa rin ang itinanong ko sa Diyos noong naging parte ako ng ProdCom for Alay Musika 26. Hanggang ngayon nga ay itinatanong ko pa rin ito. Bakit ako? Marami namang ibang magaling dyan. Hindi pa organisado ang buhay ko. Bakit naman ako ang napili ng Diyos?

Sobrang daming napagdaanan ng AM na ito. Lahat naman ng AM ganito. Masyado kaming sinubok sa lahat ng  aspeto.

1. Kaperahan. Imagine, bago ma-Xmas break eh wala pa sa 1/4 o 1/3 ng perang kailangan ang nalilikom namin. Wag na tayong mag-AM!

2. Physical, maraming tao ang nagkasakit dahilan para di makumpleto sa mga practices. Mismong conductor nagkasakit na rin. Wangwang. Wag na tayong mag-AM!

3. Emotional. Para kaming nag-roller coaster ride ng emotions. Iyak, tawa, iyak-tawa, galit, tampo, takot. . . at marami pang iba. Wag na tayong mag-AM!

4. Paranormal. May mga nakakatakot pang chever at eklat. Galit na galit na siguro sa atin ang demonyo dahil mag-aalay tayo sa Diyos. Katakot nang mag-AM! Wag na tayong mag-AM!

5. Spiritual. Nakaka-uhaw. . . Pakiramdam ko walang Diyos. Ay hanep, wag na talaga tayong mag-AM.

Bawat vigil nga palaging idinadalangin 'yan. "For the success of Alay Musika 26." Na wala namang kasiguraduhan kung matutuloy nga. Pati sa mga rosaryo yun din ang dinudulog sa mahal na Ina, kahit di ma-perfect perfect sa practices ang Marian song na "Inay."

Pati mga sarili namin problema rin namin. We are imperfect people trying to stage a concert for a perfect Being. Napakaraming naging pagsubok dahil sa mga kahinaan namin. Kung mismong sarili namin problema natin, ay shocking pluto. Wag na talaga tayong mag-AM, as in.

But then. . . 

I'm still filled with awe everytime I imagine the stage. The spotlight that is so hot. The fog machine that caused Aning to nebulize during the concert (but amazingly, she still sang Reflection beautifully). The adrenaline rush we felt during the performances. And the "kilabot" and gushing tears brought by the witnesses and AVPs. Grabe, lahat nang ito naging posible?

Habang pinagninilayan ko ang naging flow ng concert, naisip kong parang kakaiba yung flow. Script Committee ako, oo, pero parang hindi ako ang nagplano. Lahat parang bago sa akin. Ako ang may pakana ng ganung flow, pero parang noon ko lang na-realize kung bakit talaga ganun ang pagkaka-patse patse ng mga istorya.

Kung ako ang nagplano, maiisip ko na "ay hindi na ako gaanong magiging emotional, nakita ko na ang concert na 'to eh." But no! Pati sa akin parang bago yung kwento. My hairs stood on end from one transition to the next. I've already seen that Passion of Christ video  a lot of times but it still left me in tears. I've already heard the witnesses' stories but I still felt the awe everytime I imagine their struggles. Kahit 7PM show na, pakiramdam ko bago na naman at 1st time kong makikita ang lahat.

Ngayon, kahit daan-daang beses ko na yatang napanood ang AM ay tumitigil pa rin ako kapag may nagbubukas ng AM videos dito sa A1. Tinitingnan ko pa rin ang photo albums. Nae-LSS pa rin ako sa mga songs. Di talaga maka-get over? Sori naman.

Tunay na hindi bumibitaw ang Diyos sa Kanyang pangako. Hindi nawalan ng saysay ang mga petitions na "For the success of Alay Musika." Ngayon, ang sasabihin na ay "THANKSGIVING for the success of Alay Musika." Maraming pinagdaanan ang Alay Musika na ito pero wala namang katumbas ang mabuting bunga nito. Ang sarap pala magpagamit sa Diyos. Magiging kumpleto ka na, mapapasaya mo pa ang iba. Tapos hindi ikaw ang makikita, kundi Siya.

Ang batang matanong ay batang matalino, kaya hindi matatapos ang aking pagtatanong dahil ako ay matalino. Tatanungin ko pa rin ang Diyos kung bakit. Bakit ako ang pinili Niya para dito? Pero makuha ko man ang sagot o hindi, masaya na ako. Basta alam kong sa Diyos ito, go lang ng go.

PS. One day, I will face God and ask Him to show me all the lives inspired by Alay Musika. Then He will show me the souls that were moved, and hug me and say, "Thank you, My Child, for laboring with me in this endeavor." That joy will be a blissful one, I promise.